I so don't want to do anything anymore

I don't have anything new or profound to write about. I'm up to my chin in work though. I felt like I got so much done and I still have so much to do. I think I did good on a test today. I have a quiz tomorrow and still have to do my communications homework. Tonight was the Chi Alpha meeting, it was nice to worship God since I missed churched Sunday. Although every time I've heard a sermon or bible study, all I'm being told is I'm never good enough. I'm not good enough for anything or anyone and that's a good thing I guess so I don't have a lot to live up to. I don't get how people that are disconnected from God seem to have everything together. Everything is so backwards. Here's a poem:

Hear in the Dead Lights

Abrubt endings are common for those in darkness
They will see the light, but it's too late
Because they are frozen and gone in a flash
God willing, when I see that light I'll embrace it
And be filled with such elation
How glorious it all could be
Hopefully, one day we will all be enlightened
But you may end up in total darkness and
the only thing you will have left is your faith
You'll be entirely alone
alone with your faith here in the dead lights
But isn't that better than having no chance
like a deer in the head lights
After all, aren't we deserving of a chance?
How do we recognize such an oppurtunity
when the lights are dead and sound is mute?
Is it even possible?
Perhaps, we have no control over whether or not
we even receive the oppurtunity to accomplish the goals we dream about
How unfortunate it would be if our lives were based on coincidence
instead of fate and God's design for our lives
The odds that we would dodge death would be slim to none
Just like the deer in the headlights
Had we listened to the words of God's only son
it wouldn't be so hard to hear in the dead lights

Basically, I believe in Jesus Christ, I've come to the conclusion that ultimately I can't change anyones mind about what they should believe so if God's gonna speak through me he's gonna speak through me. I can't control it so whatever happens, happens. Right?

Highly Exalted

I warn anyone who reads this now, that this will be a long entry because I have a lot to write about, and I haven't written in a while. My first order of business has to do with a song I've been listening too. I don't own the cd its on or even have it downloaded on my computer, but I was checking my good friend Dave's myspace and I heard the song "Long Day" by Matchbox 20 and I've kind of been going back to his myspace just to listen to it as odd as that may be. Not so much because the music, but because some of the lyrics. I'm gonna put the lyrics in here and just discuss the parts that effect me which isn't much of the song but heres the song:

Its sitting by the overcoat
The second shelf, the note she wrote
That I cant bring myself to throw away And also
Reach she said for no one else but you,
Cuz you wont turn away

When someone else is gone
Im sorry bout the attitude
I need to give when Im with you
But no one else would take this s*** from me
And Im so
Terrified of no one else but me

I'm here all the time
I wont go away
Its me, yeah I cant get myself to go away
Its me, and I cant get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldnt feel this way
(chorus)

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out your hope for me
Its been a long day, always aint that right
And no lord your hand wont stop it
Just keep you trembling
Its been a long day, always aint that right
Well Im surprised that youd believe
In any thing that comes from me
I didnt hear from you or from someone else
And youre so
Set in life man, a pisser theyre waiting
Too damn bad you get so far so fast
So what, so long
(chorus)

Its me, yeah and I cant get myself to go away
Its me, yeah and I cant get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldnt feel this way

Now I can't remember the last time a girl gave me a note that I didn't want to throw away; then again not many girls passed me notes anyway, but that doesn't matter. The line "And Im so terrified of no one else but me". That's where I find myself thinking about how even if some of my problems are caused by other people it is my own fault for just feeling sorry for myself rather than moving on. Which is why "I'm here all the time, I won't go away". But even when times come where all I want to do is run I can never seem to run that far. Because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, and I just need to ask God to help me through it. I'm hoping that God will "Reach down your hand in your pocket and pull out your hope for me" But the song is about having a long day. In God's eyes our lifetime could be as short as a day, so I feel the song is interpreting this long day as my life. For some reason I have this outlook like my life has been a very long quest for hope which is the case for most people. I think most of the time no matter how hard I try I fall short. I try and be a good person by not conforming to drinking and partying while everyone else appears to be doing that. Luckily I don't feel tempted by that type of thing, but I just feel so darn lonely. Between never putting my full trust in anyone, and holding back from getting too close to someone I literally feel alone all the time. The contradiction that has always plagued me is how when I'd go to church I'd hear some teachings about if your down and out and feel like you have no friends and you can't count on your family at times you can turn to God. That's all good, but if you could live a fulfilling life alone with God why hasn't anyone achieved that and if someone that is in almost complete solitude has, come tell me how. Now I try to bring people to God even though it's uncomfortable to see if they will reject me and my faith. I even try my best to act godlike in my manner, not mighty and powerful, just polite and helpful, but I'm only human. I like being around people for the most part for people who have been torn apart and crapped on by everyone they meet how are they suppose to build up enough confidence to attempt to save others. What if you are so hurt by people that you don't care whether they go to heaven or hell. Are you going to hell for not helping them. When you are judged before God chances are he is going to want to know what you did in order to help his kingdom and when someone says to him, "Well, truthfully I was too scared to approach anyone because I'm so sick of being crushed that I just gave up". Will God have any mercy? I don't know, in fact I don't even know how I got on this subject so I'm changing the matter at hand. Tonight I was talking to my dear friend Ben about life and how we are now forced to grow up and what we would do if we could go back in time and do ove knowing what we know now. We talked about old memories in Mr. Holmes class and various things and if we have anything left to look foward too. I realized by talking to him that now that I'm growing up and have been impacted by so many things, it is time for me to impact people in a positive way. It's now an oppurtunity for me to guide others in some way or another. Now that I've written all of this I need to just put a poem here at the end so here it goes just to wrap this up:

His Exaltation

Believe that a miracle is not a hallucination
The Lord's power has no limitation
So go ahead and save yourself some aggravation
By being wise enough to accept his invitation

If you desire eternal life, find the motivation
to seek Him out for a spiritual elevation
Heartbroken? Anticipate complete restoration
because when one accepts God, there is total jubilation

It's simple, Jesus is the foundation
who leads us to salvation
which enables us to resist temptation
preventing us from eternal damnation

This faith is not to be a decoration
instead it should be, the believer's proclamation
Not just proclaimed here but to every nation
Join a family of believers for his glorification

Worship together and hear the ovation
And allow the word of God to be the newest sensation
For he should be the center of concentration
Yet the world still has not come to the realization

That our existence is the result of God's creation
Stop with false idols and false adoration
See that sinners are unworthy of acclaimation
Do not envy them, it will only lead to frustration

Brand him on your heart and taks His affirmation
Rev: 7:14 "These are they who have come out of great tribulation"
Lift praise unto the Lord's appellation
Let Him be the only one deserving of adulation

For those who feel they are lost in the equation
Know that only God can be your liberation
He's the Alpha and Omega, sheer perfection, that's no exaggeration
It's his second coming, did you get the revelation?

Praise God!

What's my work worth?

I haven't stuck to my guns by writing everyday because time seemingly flies by way too fast. This morning I went to church on 6 hours asleep and was dozing off. Am I a bad person for that? No, because I got the message completely. The message was in regards to humility and humbling yourself before God. What triggered in my mind during the whole message probably wasn't what I was suppose to get out of it because all the message did was make me feel like a piece of crap. The messaged offered hope in that if you humble yourself before him he will answer your prayers, but all I felt when I heard it was that no matter what I do it will never be good enough. That seems to be the attitude I've taken on as of late. The message also made us aware that our pride should not be important to us which makes plenty of sense. I'm more than willing to admit that my pride gets in my way sometimes, but at the same time I'm aware that I can never measure up to God which truly means no matter what I am doing I can be doing more. As that train of thought goes on, I have another train of thought that feels like I have no time to do anything else, so I can I do more when I feel like I have no time to do anything. This messaged depressed me, so when I got back from service I fell asleep until 5:00. I wasted more time, nor do I even feel rested. Obviously I still have so much to learn about life and the second I feel like I've accomplished something I realize there is so much I haven't accomplished in comparison. These entries still have not taken on the positive outlook that I hoped they would because I'm still working towards that. I'm still a work in progress. Now to transition how I feel right not into a poem I've been working on the past couple of days. Here it:

Work in Progress

I am a demon that is not possessed
I am an angel that failed to be blessed
I am always the opposing view and scheme
The same old scenario with a different theme
My life is the punchline of your dirty joke
I’m the air that, you breathe that, makes you choke
Sometimes my progress turns out to be fruitless
I am useful for many things that end up being useless
I run to the darkness when it appeared to be light
I escape the violence but find myself in a fight
I am the perfect canvas that you allow to be scarred
I am the ace of the heart that you want to discard
I am the flawless jewel you let sink in the ocean
I am movingly gifted, yet you cease my motion
My emotions are strong, yet you cast them as weak
I am labeled as wrong, but I’m right; here with the meek
I am the anchor that only floats on the surface
I’m worth the price of gold when gold becomes worthless
I am the writer whose words are erased
I am the work in progress whose work goes to waste



I feel that even in this poem there is a sense of imcompletion. I feel like there should be more to it, but just like the title says it's a work in progress. I think ultimately this poem sums up everyones life. If we never can reach perfection and no one can ever do enough than we are all just works in progress, but it hurts me when it seems like so many people have it figured out. I don't have anything figured out. If people ask me for advice the only was I can give it to them is if God speaks through me. I alone know nothing. I alone don't know how I can get work done, which is probably why I don't get work done. It seems I like I don't even have time to sit down and read my bible which would mean I have to find a way to make time, but I don't even know how to go about doing that. It seems the more I analyze what establishes my faith as faith the more hopeless I feel, the more I feel like I can never please God, like I can never do enough. It's constantly feeling inferior despite the fact that I am inferior. It's me feeling so inferior that I can't do anything. I'm helpless. I could be doing something about it right now, but instead I am writing and now I'm not even going to do that anymore.

Blessed Beaver

I don't have anything to write about, other than I took a quiz in History and did good on it even though I thought it was going to be my hardest class. In History I wrote two poems about beavers because that was mentioned in the lecture and it just stuck out in my head. So here are my two poems about beavers:

Beaver Damned

Playing in any field
requires loads of energy
But once my legs groq weak
I know that's it for me

Luckily I am perseverant
as I head on back to my niche
Lesser beavers would tire faster
and simply pass out in a ditch

Low and behold the motor cars
have crowded up the road
However there is no time to wait
because mother will be woed

So now I began to scurry
across the sun burned black tar
What is now running through my head
happens to be the tire of a car

Perhaps my patience should have been
my one and only priority
For a split second I lost my head
and now my head is apart from me


Damn Beavers

Driving in my pick-up truck
down a seemingly empty street
my wifes jabbering but my concern
is on what she is making me to eat

Been driving for several hours
on the way back from the rodeo
My eyes were growing heavy
until my wife yelled out "Hey Joe!"

I was like "Damn Deloris,
You scared the piss right out of me!"
She gave a little giggle but
that will cease when she does my laundry

She shouldn't have taken her tone so loud
Now I must drive with my wet pants
I should turn up the radio
before Deloris goes on one of her rants

Thump! "What did I hit?
Lord Jesus, I'm not a sinner!"
Deloris replies, "Joe calm yourself
it's not a person, just your dinner."


I was inspired to write these poems not just from the fact that I was bored in history, but 6 months ago back in Jersey I witnessed a gopher get hit by the wheel of a van that was driving in front of me. Now the gophers head didn't smash open but it did get hit in the head and spun a complete 720 in the middle of the road. When I witnessed it I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. I ended up laughing. I'm a horrible person i guess, but when it stopped in spinning it lay peacefully in the middle of the road lying on its back with its arm stretched towards the sky. That's all! God Bless!

Say No More

I talked to my brother a couple of days ago and he assured me that in 2 weeks I'd probably get used to this whole college thing. It's definitely a different atmosphere and I've had to adapt a lot. I'm sick now, have a cold or something. I'm out of it more often than not. Every day goes by really fast and it feels like I never have time to do anything or I just end up wasting my time. Everyday things happen that end up making me feel like garbage, but through all of this I've been keeping a positive outlook and trying to remember God in everything I do. I've definitely been looking for a good outlet and a place to fit in, in order to stay with my faith. What I dislike feeling most is trying to convince myself that everything is a test. It's hard to believe, that I have to feel so misguided through this whole experience; this is what I have been feeling and God isn't going to tell me over night what I'm meant to do, is he? No, and the worst part is I'll always be the one to blame and I'll always be told I'm not seeking God enough, not doing enough, I wish I just would give up easier or maybe I give up too easy. Why don't I ever feel good about the outcomes of thing. Should I go back to feeling numb about people walking all over me or should I stand up for myself even if I may have to compromise my beliefs. It hurts to even think about all this crap. Even if I say I don't want to play the victim, or I'm not trying to be the victim, I feel like I'm contradicting myself. I just want to feel one solid emotion for one period of time. Damn! I can't even put my words into what I want to say anymore. Total frustration. When will I have something positive to write? End this now! Before I keep dwelling on the same old crap that happens every single day. I'm trying my best here. I didn't even want to go college. I never wanted to live to see 18. Why do I consistently manage to convince myself that my life is a burden? How come everything I write makes it seem like I have serious problems? Would you believe me if I said I didn't have problems? Would you consider this normal? Why can't I find contentment? Why does no one take me seriously? Why would I even want to be taken seriously? Why can't I just deal with everything that happens? Why am I always worrying about the future, always disappointed with my past, and never concentrating on what's going on right now? Why does nothing ever get figured out? Why am I so worthless, and moreso why do people insist on lying to me and telling me I'm not? Why can't I just run away and be alone forever? Why can't I just stay and feel like it's a blessing that I'm here? Why don't I trust anyone? Why do people feel like I am an approachable person? Why do I ever open up to people? Why do I allow people to open up to me when I can so easily disregard their existence? Why do I feel emotionless when people leave my life or I forget about other people? Why do I grow bitter towards some for leaving me and be fine others who leave me in the dust? Why can't I do everything right when I am supposed to? Why can't I recpgnize what is right? But all these questions that plague me truly mean nothing because all I want to know is...
Why am I here? What is my purpose? and if I truly do have a purpose, when will I find out what it is? I don't know the answer to any of these stupid tedious questions that some of you readers may ask yourselves. I don't even have the answers to the simplest of questions. Truthfully I can't convince people that what I say is true nor what I believe is true so why do I bother sometimes. But I have nothing to say. All this has not meant a thing. I'm just gonna share a poem and end this.

So They Say

Don't get your hopes up
but be optimistic
Use your imagination
but be realistic

It's cool to be popular
but don't follow the crowd
Silence is golden
But to be heard, be loud

All is fair in love and war
But life is not fair
Mind your own business
But show me you care

You can have free speech
But we will silence the truth
You can respect your elders
But we will forget the youth

You say all these slogans
to convince us they're true
But contradiction after contradiction
prevents me from listening to you


This poem is simple to understand. Sometimes people say things that they believe is good advice, but it's not. Ultimately more of yuor experiences you will have to learn by yourself. Listen to it, but ultimately you will choose whether you will follow this advice.

Seek HIm

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing is wrong with me and it's just me thinking their is or hoping their is so I can have an excuse for my shortcomings and daily failures. What I find most ironic though is as soon as something goes horribly wrong and you want to give up, someone tells you, you can't or that it's bound to get better. Notice when people are really excited about something hardly ever is anyone one going to insult your hopefulness. They will push you to do the thing that your very excited about even when it is obvious that your excitement could likely lead to failure thus ending up in an unfortunate turn for the worst. No one ever tries to bring up the consequences when someone has hope for something. Just like everyone pushing me to get excited about college, the second your forced excitement comes about you realize all the downsides. How everything will eventually go wrong. And then who else can the blame be put on but myself. That makes me feel like absolute garbage especially when someone raises the question, "Well, how's your relationship with God?" Because the answer to that question is always, "Not as great as it can be!'" No matter what, every sermon you hear on the matter the message is you can always grow closer, so when I or anyone else answers that question no matter what answer they give you, what they really are thinking is "Not as great as it could be" which makes me feel insignificant. Knowing I can never reach a point of inner peace for the remainder of my life. Knowing I can never taste perfection. So yeah, some days my life sucks and I hate it. That's not a good thing I know, but don't think this statement is meant to cause a pity party; it's not. I just don't want to be in this position. I never wanted to be in this position. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed getting an education. But in all honesty, even if I wasn't being educated I doubt I'd be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus! I love going to church, I love being filled witht he Holy Spirit. I love listening and reading God's word, but I no longer expect anything out of prayer. When I pray I expect the worst outcome. God's will, will be done whether I pray or not. Whether I want the best for myself or not my life will ultimately be just that, my life. Maybe I am meant to go through life completely unsatisfied with the way it's going at all times. So what exactly is the point of this entry other than to vent and complain. Truthfully I don't know. At this point in time I don't even know if I have a poem to go along with it. But as I search, you readers think about this question. "Is it possible to be fully connected with God and lead a miserable life?" Because what I've started to question is maybe my reason for being unhappy is due to the fact that I am not doing a satisfactory job. Apparently I am doig way below average because I try and seek God and I seem to live a less satisfied life than so many who don't walk with God at all. Or maybe they are just better hiders, and I'm not so good a seeker, If this was Hide and Go Seek I would never win. Now hold up one second because I have just hit a stud in the wall because I think I can work off this metaphor of hide and go seek. This will be the first poem in this blog that I will write spur of the moment (not already written prior to the entry). So here it is:

Hide, and Go Seek


So, you've found your dark crevice
But honestly is this where you want to stay
Should I just leave you be
Or would you like to come out and play
The game is actually quite simple
In fact, you can go back to this very spot
However, I could easily find you
But then again maybe not
Because so many times before
I have looked in the wrong direction
Even when the answer was in the same place
I chose to walk alone without protection
A mistake on my part?
Yes, I suppose I am the one to blame
I could place the fault on something else
It's not the player; it's the game
If I was the one to run and hide
instead of being the only seeker
I could have an easy route of escape
instead of feeling all the weaker
Seeking is no fun
because you usually stand alone
Until you've found a hidden soul
whose cover has been blown
Convince them to seek the truth
so they offer a helping hand
They may be a guiding light
or a sabotage to the plan
In either case, as the seeker
I never seem to be satisfied
because everyone else seems
so joyful when they run and hide
But joining them would never be
considered staying true to my own self
So while they seek their place to hide
I'll be off seeking something somewhere else
I'll seek my own salvation
perhaps underneath a steeple
Right out in the open
along with the rest of God's people
Even if I find myself in failure
I can only hope that he still provide's
Because I believe it's better to go seek
then to be the one that run's and hide's


Guess what, you are figuring this one out for yourself unless you request an explanation so I can get some feeback

Cursed Eyes

Tonight me and my suite mates have devised a bet for who can go the longest without cursing. We are doing this because tensions have grown high and we've been slipping in our words so we are testing it out, hopefully it will work out for the best. I also got thinking about what my favorite song is and how 2 years ago I did't even listen to music and now I have so many different songs that I relate too and enjoy. A while ago I wrote a song describing how I feel involving relationships so I'm gonna share it and explain if after words. The title is a bit rusty but I wrote it in December of 2004. Here it is:

These Eyes Cry


He looks into your eyes
and it makes you break down and cry
but you don't know why
no you don't know why

You say he's shady, oh so shady
But all he wants is a sweet young lady
And he walks among the living
And he's always so damn forgiving
You think that he can't be hated
But some people think he's outdated
And no one gives him a chance
Not even a second glance

But he's always trying to find your eyes
Hoping to catch you by surprise
And you won't realize
No you won't realize

But he knows
how the end to this life story goes
So he'll walk for hours, he'll walk for days
Searching for something in different ways
But he'll never know
which way to go
At times you may not know where he may be
And then just maybe, you might see

That he's always trying to find your eyes
Even when they are in disguise
Still hoping to catch you by surprise
but he'll be the one that always cries
and you won't realize
no you won't realize
and No one will know why
No they won't know why


I wrote this song after becoming close friends with someone of the opposite sex and became attracted to them as more than a friend. When this happens, more often than not the feelings are not mutual or so it seems for me. To you they are almost perfect, but since you're good friends you know their flaws because no one is perfect, while the other person may think of you as a good friend or a shoulder to cry on. They may even like you a little bit, but not enough to put the friendship "on the line." Or they just might not know what they want at that particular time. When this happened to me I felt that no one would give me a chance, it's actually what I have felt so often in my life, but you get over it. You can try and be a nice person and make it obvious that you are trying to "find someone's eyes" or getting their attention but sometimes it goes unnoticed and is meaningless. They may realize and not care. The song also states no matter how hard one tries one will never know the right decision to make, whether it be to tell the person how you feel and risk the friendship or just ignore your feelings so no one will know the true feelings. I don't have an answer to that, and that's all I have to say.

Lost My Direction, Lost the Sense of Time, Maybe the worst is Behind

I've been contemplating whether or not I should move out of my dorm. Unfortunately there are pros and cons concerning this matter. If I leave, it basically means I'd have to meet a whole new group of people, basically grow apart from the friendships I have made thus far, and take a risk of getting some really bad roommate. But when I think about the first couple of days, I met new people and got along with them pretty easily, so how hard would it be to go through that again. Plus it was fun meeting new people. However, the people I've met in my dorm are really cool and great people each in their own individual way. I can't decide whether I am moving out until there is a reassignment opening. If I do move out I want it to be sooner than later. The longer you wait to do something the harder it is, this has held true so often in my life. But it leads me to doubt myself because I often feel that I never am satisfied with how my life is, so I don't know if any difference will be made. I am also a pessimist so I feel almost every decision I make ends up being the wrong one anyway. I need to pray about it tonight, so I'm going to do that as soon as I am done writing this entry. The poem I want to share has summed up how I feel when I am most upset about the way my life is going. It also states how I never have any idea what choices I am suppose to make. It seems I am so lost all the time and I am sick of feeling that way. I need to pray more and read scripture. Anyway here is my poem:

I Used to Know Where I was Going Until I Got Here

Unfortunately for me I woke up again
I guess I tend to do that every now and then
I made more bad choices and when the wrong direction
And I took another hard fall trying to reach perfection
Just like before I fell asleep, when I awakened, I cried
But I had one peaceful dream, you know the one where I died
This cycle of repetition, all it does is create a numbing pain
Failing over and over again now only brings shame to my name
A different ego shattered but who needs pride anyway
Although, at least my pride kept me going from day to day
More failure, more temptation, and more of being tested is whats in store
Those are the things I know are coming, but I still want something more
The good things I don't expect because I'm paranoid for the worst
Maybe that's why before I'm happy, I battle years of sadness first
No reason to live other than for God, but why don't I want to live?
Because I'm selfish and there is less to get the more and more I give
But at times it feels like I've got nothing left to give so I lose hope
So I deal with all that crap that tumbles on me and I try to cope
I'll bleed for a cause because I'm willing to be run dry
I'll break all these laws, if gravity means I can fly
I need to soar through time and fix all that's unfair
Because most of my problems, someone else put there
At times I could kill because there was nothing I could do
How I wish I cold just forget it all and put my trust back in you
But one day I will get over it and realize that nothing that happens, matters
And as I watch another mirror fall, I'll be hoping my reflection shatters
Luckily, soon I will have lost this fight so please don't bet on me
I'm losing more day and night, I'm still 0 for infinity
At one time I envisioned a futre for myself, I even drew out a plan
I kept a positive outlook, even told myself "Yes I can"
But so many failures have just lead me to further doubt
that everything I live for I would rather live without
I've been broken in mind, no longer can I concentrate
I try praying, running, should I also learn to meditate?
All I write about is failures; it seems that's all that I see
For some reason it's so easy for misfortune to find me
Don't pity me, I've had my heart attacked and it's pretty severe
And I used to know where I was going; until I got here


This poem may seem a little exagerrated, but sometimes I feel more hopeless than this poem. I read it sometimes and try and look at it as if someone else wrote it and I cry simply because I know that others have it worse so I can't imagine what they would write if they could put how bad they feel into words. By no means do I want people to think I have a hard life, I just want a better life for myself. I so badly just want to feel like things are going in the right direction even if they aren't. I'd rather feel that way, then have my life go in the right direction and not even notice it. It pains me to think about this, so I'm going to spend some time in prayer and look for answers to what I'm doing with the rest of my time here. I assure myself that things will get better because after all, all I can have is my hope that all will be well. Bye!

Revolving Doors

I tripped over a chain today, but I kept walking. I ran the wrong direction, and then I gave up. Today thus far has sucked immensely. My roommates thought it would be silly to keep me up till 3 when I had to wake up for class at 8. Unfortunately my alarm didn't work and is still not working. I almost got in a fight today, I was almost hoping for it. It's just been a bad day so I shouldn't feel bad about it because it will get better. I'm gonna share a poem that I wrote a year and a half ago. Now that I read it, it reflects on how I feel at this moment, even though I felt the same way in a completely different place at a different time when I wrote it. But since it is relevant I decided to share it. But be warned a year and a half ago I was not as good a writer so this poem is a little poor.

What Doesn't Revolve Around Me

Sometimes I run away from life,
for all the wrong reasons
and sometimes my moods change
as rapid as the seasons
These days pass me by so fast
I can't enjoy the time spent here
So I contemplate the thought
of what it's like to disappear
And I wonder is it really worth it
to breathe every breath today
When I could be in a place
where I'd do exactly what I say
I wouldn't run nor hide
from things hidden from my eyes
And just maybe I wouldn't be
the only one listening for my cries
When I cry, I fight myself
beating myself into submission
Then the tears stop when I black out
remaining in the same position
It seems I'm running but never moving
Hoping but never choosing
a better path of life other than
the one that leads to losing
Tell me exactly
what I might be doing wrong
So I can solve this puzzle
that I've been living for so long
I can't give up on a solution
it's something I need to solve
But I've been in the same place forever
As I watch My world revolve

Many people sometimes feel that the world revolves around them. This poem places some understanding on what it's like when things don't go exactly our way. The poem has a very negative tone because it doesn't really offer any hope of changing for the better, but rest assure with hope nothing will stay bad forever. I can't guarentee, but I feel it is better to live in false hope because at least you have something to hope for. That's all I feel like writing

Where's your faith at?

Today I had a pretty busy day. I think it could go without saying, but I have homework to do, but I have not yet started it. I slept till 11, went to class at 12, ate lunch, played racquetball, then soccer, then went to history, then to a chi alpha meeting, then dinner, then did laundry. Now I am writing this. I got thinking about people who don't have much faith in God or much of anything in fact. It's not hard to think about things like that when all day I'm faced with different things that are there to make me doubt my faith. In Global Politics we discussed a whole bunch of crap about cultures and negative aspects of American culture, and was just angry because it's so easy to tell that no matter what happens not everyone will be happy. I don't even know why we discuss the things we do because no solutions are ever made clear. It's almost as if we discuss things just to be taught that there is no hope for the world. We reflect on things of the past, but history constantly repeats itself. History there was discussion of pre biblocal period and people that were on the earth, which raises question once again on how earth began and stuff like that. It's frustrating, especially since I'm trying to stay close to my faith, but there is so much to do constantly that whenever I have a free second I just want to sleep or write. Anyway, my point of course relates back to a poem I wrote over the course of the summer. It's two parts. The first part basically relates to the secular world. The second part offers salvation. In either case here is the first part of my poem:

Ye of Little Faith

As usual I am alone in the darkness
Funny how darkness and silence go hand in hand
When it's nothing I hear, I fear everything around me
When I hear everything, it is then I fear nothing
But darkness really gets to me
Not because I am without sight
It gets to me because I am forced to rely on feelings
And I cannot trust how I feel or what emotions I feel
My emotions are underlying in comparison to this reality
Thena gain that is the case with everything in darkness
Nothing is entirely real or without doubt when you lose sight of it
More often than not, at some point
you'll lose sight of everything you believe in for some period of time
I may lose sight of you, you may lose sight of me
I may even lose sight of myself
No matter what the outcome, people are forgotten
Faith is abandoned and exiled from our own reality
We ask, "Why must we ever be in darkness?"
Thus the reasoning behind our faith
When you are blind and all you rely is on feeling
You are relying on faith which is
the only guidance we have in darkness because
we all want to be in the light
But for those who never rely on faith
Life is simple
yet short
and ends without warning

This poem is not meant to knock on the lifestyles that differ from mine, it's too state the unfortunate truth that people who have faith in nothing really don't live for anything but themselves. Ultimately living for ones own self can only end in disappointment. I've been alone in the darkness before and it has torn me up and has made me feel as if my life is not worth living. Some days I seem to reconnect with that feeling, but I know it will pass so long as I humble myself in the presence of my God. I realize that some who may read this may not agree with my beliefs, which is why I try and write poems in worldly perspectives, but most of my poems do have deeper religious contexts. Anyway I need to do homework so I'm done. Peace!

Why I don't get my homework done

I'm done my first class today and it was pretty funny, seeing how my professor is very odd and is full of BS. He is cool though. I said something a little too profound and he didn't quite understand it so that didn't really work out. He really seems to have no idea how to teach nor does he really know a whole lot about the information being taught, and he agrees with everyones opinion. It's quite amusing. I still haven't read anything for that class yet. My next class is in about 30 minutes so I need to write this quick. Since the tone of this entry is pretty upbeat I'm deciding to type out one of my sillier poems that some people have already read. I will not be offering any meaning behind it because the poem is basically meaningless. But if I were to make up a meaning, it would be that people get upset over very trivial things.

Why I Destroyed Herbs Lawn Gnome

How dare you taunt me
Acting like it's your property
Guess what, It's not your property
You don't have a deed
And even if you did you couldn't read it
Go back to playing your miniature flute
Speaking of which
I've never heard you actually play it
Always holding it, but never putting it to your lips
Never playing a soft melody
It's an accessory for you

I've seen others like your kind
But none so arrogant
To stand right on the line of demarcation
diving my yard from Herb's
I'm surprised he allows you to stay on his property free of charge
because I know you didn't offer to pay a single penny
Or even ask hi if you could stay there
Sure, Herb is deaf
But you could have contacted him some form
Rather than just standing there
Claiming the spot as your own
Claiming Herb put you there

Every time I look out my bathroom window
you just stare
and I stare back
as if we were engages in some kind of staring contest
of course you always win
because I actually have a life
and I have places to go
Why don't you stare through Herb's window?
He doesn't have a life, He's 83
So I'm sure he has plenty of time on his hands
He would probably love the challenge
of facing you in a staring contest

Yet you continue to torture me
You never let up
Well, guess what? Your hat is stupid
No one wears hats that come to a point
No one with style at least
Luckily I have a plan to get rid of you
And your stupid pointy hat

Still Awake

Tonight one silly thing happened. While studying in the bottom of the dorm one of my sweet suite mates pointed out that the desks are in the shape of swastikas. I thought that was funny in a kind of sick way. I barely got any studying done. I went to a dance party shortly after which was kind of odd at first just simply because I'm not a party goer nor a dancer, but I eventually busted some sweet moves. The most valuable part of the whole night was when I was about to leave the dance party, I received information regarding church organizations from a new friend. I enjoy meeting people that share my faith because I knew they have a good story to tell and usually lead an interesting life. After all when you don't spend your time drinking your usually doing something exciting instead. I'm excited to see where God will lead me while hear at JMU.
Of course I didn't just write this blog to say how my night went; I wrote it to let anyone who may or may not read this my reason for living is God which is what excites me and interests me more than anything. However different people have different things they live for so this poem is basically about why people wake up every day. Here it goes:


For Whose Sake Do You Lie Awake?

Have you ever just layed there?
I'm talking about really laying down
With your eyes open in total darkness
fixed on one direction
staring into nothingess
and for no partciular reason

If there was a reason
it would be to consciously question your purpose
not questioning with words aloud
instead the words just run through your head
while you stare off into nowhere
waiting as if the darkness of all things
will show you the path to take,
show you the life layed out for you

But just like you laying there
your life is layed out in darkness
like a touch tunnel in pitch black
you will get through life on feelings alone
some of the time you will be totally mislead
How unfortunate that you sulk deep inside
about all the times you've been mislead already

It would be wise to just close your eyes
Because in all honesty there is usually nothing to see
Instead you keep your eyes open
Consumed in so much false hope
that a saving grace will appear to you
Because you are in "need" of a sign
those are your words not mine
Who isn't in need?
Honestly we all need something
So needy, that's a sign of imperfection

Imagine resting eashy for just one night
one week, one month, one year, one lifetime
I can't imagine it because truthfully
if I could I would not lie awake with my eyes open
I would close my eyes and trick myself
What I imagine, I sometimes make realistic
But more often than not I lie awake
Waiting for my imagination to take a stride into reality
Instead reality takes over my imagination
Crushing hopes and dreams
thus making my lying awake seem pointless

So eventually I close my eyes
We all close our eyes
Even if we lie awake forever, no progress would be made
No revelation exclaimed
So we lie awake in darkness
Only until our mind serached for words no more
And then slumber is all we end up finding
Just to put us back in touch with the dreams
that will be crushed the next morning

But rest assure for all our sake
That the day we awake
and those dreams finally take shape
We will become ignorant
But what does any of that matter
As long as all our needs are met in the end


This poem is meant to depict common selfishness of human beings. It attempts to make it clear how when things aren't going the way we planned we lay and question whether it be to God or ourselves why certain things in life don't go our way, we doubt ourselves and purpose. Even though we shouldn't do it we do, but it's so easy. Sometimes instead of relying on God for help we try and do things ourselves and are blinded by our own ambition and selfishness thus "closing our eyes to God" but in this poem the poem suggests to "close your eyes" to worldly things. It's basically saying submit to God and let Him guide you through rough times. Everyone needs God whether they believe in Him or not. It's clear that life is not meant to be easy, but it's easier to live with Him than without Him. The end of this poem is basically full of sarcasm which an individual could like or dislike, it basically makes or breaks the poem. The poem could have had a more uplifting ending, instead I chose to take an easy rhyme and sentiment and twist the words to make an entirely selfish statement "what does any of that matter as long as all our needs are met in the end." Despite that last statement being a completely selfish thing to say, I'm almost positive everyone has felt this way at some point. It's clear because sometimes when we go to God and he grants us what we desire, we take it all for granted and act like it was our own doing that brought us success. This was a long explanation so I'm done with it now. Peace Out!

One word at a Time

Today was pretty cool I guess. I mean nothing crappy has happened which is enough to be thankful for. I went to half the football game, now I'm here writing. I feel like writing something everyday so I get in a habit of doing something. I still have yet to get to my homework yet, but I'm getting there. What I have chosen to write about today is a common topic that I have seen a lot of not just in the last couple of days, but throughout my life. I'm not dropping names so let's just say someone I know more a less led on and had hope for something, and was denied it. I've talked to 2 people on both sides of the spectrum. It happens all the time to a lot of people so it's not a unique occurrence. What I did a while back, actually not too long ago, it was July 29, 2006 to be exact. I wrote a poem about how the act of being led on has happened in my life more times than I would have liked. Actually I have several poems on this topic, but this is my personal favorite, so here it is:

Live Your Lie One Word at a Time

Didn't you see me standing outside your window?
Or was it more convenient to ignore me?
Notice I did not make a sound or
attempt to capture your attention with words
because I knew you would never hear me
over the lies you've been reciting to yourself
the same lies you convinced yourself were truths
How did you manage that?
I know how you managed it but you don't
You don't realize that the little faith I had in you
was no match for the amount of faith you had
that your lies would push me away
How right you were, I guess you prevailed
After all you're guilt free, enjoying your night
while I spend mine, probably writing some stupid poem
about some stupid guy who was mislead
Now it's time to make an attempt at a healing process
Maybe, I'll eat some ice cream in my sweats
and watch a movie where falling in love
is portrayed to be so easy and perfect... or not
But I'm a man so that medicine won't do
Instead, I'll play your game and devise a lie of my own
"I was too good for you and you're missing out"
Are you convinced?
Yeah................... Neither am I


This poem was written after a girl had rejected me after quite some time of leading me on. She lied to me in order to push me away, yet she convinced herself what she was saying was true. It's the OJ complex. Now I've been led on, on several occasions, but with this particular girl I didn't call her out on it. I just got over it. In all honesty it didn't tear me up inside, and in reality I believed I truly was too good for her. However, in most cases people do get torn up about it and they feel they weren't good enough for the particular person, which is why I chose to end the poem the way I did. I like the interaction between the reader and writer with the question at the end because some readers might sympathize with the writer and feel that the writer may actually be too good for this person, but the ending shuts down any thought of that. That's my explanation, Now it's time for homework

Common Contradictions

So as everyone knows I am in college now, which means I should grow up, learn to become more independent, and excel at my work. Unfortunately I don't want to grow up, I'm already pretty independent, and I'm so tired of doing schoolwork and I haven't done any thus far. Basically I like how this whole college thing is going. I like the people, the place, the laughter, the food, the fun. I can only complain about the classes, and the lack of single girls. Basically I became a custom to doing little work in high school and now it appears that it is gonna pile up quick. The lack of sleep could also contribute to my low level of comfort and happiness at the moment. Anyway my purpose of these blogs is to share a poem. So here's a poem that relates to how I feel.

The Inside and Outs of Common Contradictions

It's a common occurrence
Far be it from me to ever understand why
Apparently, though I am deserving of it
I can be having the time of my life
But tragedy will tragically brush my mind over
Suddenly, for no reason at all
I am overcome with this overbearing feeling of depression
As if something is trying to make my life completely incomplete
Whatever that something is has succeeded on too many occasions
Each time I cower before it and begin to beg for mercy
Because the power it has over me proves my humanity
It proves my makeshift shell of perfection is easily shattered
I anticipated nothing less, it was all for looks anyway
Those us invincible on the outside are so vulnerable inside
Those vulnerable on the outside are only out for pity
They are more than willing to admit how pathetic they are
How condescending can one be to confuse pathetic with honesty
All of a sudden, being open and honest is a crime?
Your damn right it is!
Why can't you put on your mask and live a lie like everyone else?
What makes you so special?
Don't let me spoil your good time;
clearly you're busy extracting pity
from those of us who act like we have it all together
Now, who's in the wrong?
Wrong question
What can we do to make it right?

This poem is a battle in itself. It's basically trying to make sense of what goes on inside my head when I feel depressed or disconnected from my beliefs or goals. I battle with myself between doing something selfish or what's right. It can be compared to a battle with sin as well, but it's not always a matter of sin. It's more of a battle in life that is just circumstantial on different things that occur most of which I have no control over. I like this poem, mainly for the reason that at the beginning it offers a sad outlook on how quickly ones mood can change, but at the end it more or less tells you no matter what happens just change your outloook from how can I stop myself from doing everything wrong to how can I make things right. That's all I got. Peace!