Lost My Direction, Lost the Sense of Time, Maybe the worst is Behind

I've been contemplating whether or not I should move out of my dorm. Unfortunately there are pros and cons concerning this matter. If I leave, it basically means I'd have to meet a whole new group of people, basically grow apart from the friendships I have made thus far, and take a risk of getting some really bad roommate. But when I think about the first couple of days, I met new people and got along with them pretty easily, so how hard would it be to go through that again. Plus it was fun meeting new people. However, the people I've met in my dorm are really cool and great people each in their own individual way. I can't decide whether I am moving out until there is a reassignment opening. If I do move out I want it to be sooner than later. The longer you wait to do something the harder it is, this has held true so often in my life. But it leads me to doubt myself because I often feel that I never am satisfied with how my life is, so I don't know if any difference will be made. I am also a pessimist so I feel almost every decision I make ends up being the wrong one anyway. I need to pray about it tonight, so I'm going to do that as soon as I am done writing this entry. The poem I want to share has summed up how I feel when I am most upset about the way my life is going. It also states how I never have any idea what choices I am suppose to make. It seems I am so lost all the time and I am sick of feeling that way. I need to pray more and read scripture. Anyway here is my poem:

I Used to Know Where I was Going Until I Got Here

Unfortunately for me I woke up again
I guess I tend to do that every now and then
I made more bad choices and when the wrong direction
And I took another hard fall trying to reach perfection
Just like before I fell asleep, when I awakened, I cried
But I had one peaceful dream, you know the one where I died
This cycle of repetition, all it does is create a numbing pain
Failing over and over again now only brings shame to my name
A different ego shattered but who needs pride anyway
Although, at least my pride kept me going from day to day
More failure, more temptation, and more of being tested is whats in store
Those are the things I know are coming, but I still want something more
The good things I don't expect because I'm paranoid for the worst
Maybe that's why before I'm happy, I battle years of sadness first
No reason to live other than for God, but why don't I want to live?
Because I'm selfish and there is less to get the more and more I give
But at times it feels like I've got nothing left to give so I lose hope
So I deal with all that crap that tumbles on me and I try to cope
I'll bleed for a cause because I'm willing to be run dry
I'll break all these laws, if gravity means I can fly
I need to soar through time and fix all that's unfair
Because most of my problems, someone else put there
At times I could kill because there was nothing I could do
How I wish I cold just forget it all and put my trust back in you
But one day I will get over it and realize that nothing that happens, matters
And as I watch another mirror fall, I'll be hoping my reflection shatters
Luckily, soon I will have lost this fight so please don't bet on me
I'm losing more day and night, I'm still 0 for infinity
At one time I envisioned a futre for myself, I even drew out a plan
I kept a positive outlook, even told myself "Yes I can"
But so many failures have just lead me to further doubt
that everything I live for I would rather live without
I've been broken in mind, no longer can I concentrate
I try praying, running, should I also learn to meditate?
All I write about is failures; it seems that's all that I see
For some reason it's so easy for misfortune to find me
Don't pity me, I've had my heart attacked and it's pretty severe
And I used to know where I was going; until I got here


This poem may seem a little exagerrated, but sometimes I feel more hopeless than this poem. I read it sometimes and try and look at it as if someone else wrote it and I cry simply because I know that others have it worse so I can't imagine what they would write if they could put how bad they feel into words. By no means do I want people to think I have a hard life, I just want a better life for myself. I so badly just want to feel like things are going in the right direction even if they aren't. I'd rather feel that way, then have my life go in the right direction and not even notice it. It pains me to think about this, so I'm going to spend some time in prayer and look for answers to what I'm doing with the rest of my time here. I assure myself that things will get better because after all, all I can have is my hope that all will be well. Bye!