Say No More

I talked to my brother a couple of days ago and he assured me that in 2 weeks I'd probably get used to this whole college thing. It's definitely a different atmosphere and I've had to adapt a lot. I'm sick now, have a cold or something. I'm out of it more often than not. Every day goes by really fast and it feels like I never have time to do anything or I just end up wasting my time. Everyday things happen that end up making me feel like garbage, but through all of this I've been keeping a positive outlook and trying to remember God in everything I do. I've definitely been looking for a good outlet and a place to fit in, in order to stay with my faith. What I dislike feeling most is trying to convince myself that everything is a test. It's hard to believe, that I have to feel so misguided through this whole experience; this is what I have been feeling and God isn't going to tell me over night what I'm meant to do, is he? No, and the worst part is I'll always be the one to blame and I'll always be told I'm not seeking God enough, not doing enough, I wish I just would give up easier or maybe I give up too easy. Why don't I ever feel good about the outcomes of thing. Should I go back to feeling numb about people walking all over me or should I stand up for myself even if I may have to compromise my beliefs. It hurts to even think about all this crap. Even if I say I don't want to play the victim, or I'm not trying to be the victim, I feel like I'm contradicting myself. I just want to feel one solid emotion for one period of time. Damn! I can't even put my words into what I want to say anymore. Total frustration. When will I have something positive to write? End this now! Before I keep dwelling on the same old crap that happens every single day. I'm trying my best here. I didn't even want to go college. I never wanted to live to see 18. Why do I consistently manage to convince myself that my life is a burden? How come everything I write makes it seem like I have serious problems? Would you believe me if I said I didn't have problems? Would you consider this normal? Why can't I find contentment? Why does no one take me seriously? Why would I even want to be taken seriously? Why can't I just deal with everything that happens? Why am I always worrying about the future, always disappointed with my past, and never concentrating on what's going on right now? Why does nothing ever get figured out? Why am I so worthless, and moreso why do people insist on lying to me and telling me I'm not? Why can't I just run away and be alone forever? Why can't I just stay and feel like it's a blessing that I'm here? Why don't I trust anyone? Why do people feel like I am an approachable person? Why do I ever open up to people? Why do I allow people to open up to me when I can so easily disregard their existence? Why do I feel emotionless when people leave my life or I forget about other people? Why do I grow bitter towards some for leaving me and be fine others who leave me in the dust? Why can't I do everything right when I am supposed to? Why can't I recpgnize what is right? But all these questions that plague me truly mean nothing because all I want to know is...
Why am I here? What is my purpose? and if I truly do have a purpose, when will I find out what it is? I don't know the answer to any of these stupid tedious questions that some of you readers may ask yourselves. I don't even have the answers to the simplest of questions. Truthfully I can't convince people that what I say is true nor what I believe is true so why do I bother sometimes. But I have nothing to say. All this has not meant a thing. I'm just gonna share a poem and end this.

So They Say

Don't get your hopes up
but be optimistic
Use your imagination
but be realistic

It's cool to be popular
but don't follow the crowd
Silence is golden
But to be heard, be loud

All is fair in love and war
But life is not fair
Mind your own business
But show me you care

You can have free speech
But we will silence the truth
You can respect your elders
But we will forget the youth

You say all these slogans
to convince us they're true
But contradiction after contradiction
prevents me from listening to you


This poem is simple to understand. Sometimes people say things that they believe is good advice, but it's not. Ultimately more of yuor experiences you will have to learn by yourself. Listen to it, but ultimately you will choose whether you will follow this advice.