Seek HIm

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing is wrong with me and it's just me thinking their is or hoping their is so I can have an excuse for my shortcomings and daily failures. What I find most ironic though is as soon as something goes horribly wrong and you want to give up, someone tells you, you can't or that it's bound to get better. Notice when people are really excited about something hardly ever is anyone one going to insult your hopefulness. They will push you to do the thing that your very excited about even when it is obvious that your excitement could likely lead to failure thus ending up in an unfortunate turn for the worst. No one ever tries to bring up the consequences when someone has hope for something. Just like everyone pushing me to get excited about college, the second your forced excitement comes about you realize all the downsides. How everything will eventually go wrong. And then who else can the blame be put on but myself. That makes me feel like absolute garbage especially when someone raises the question, "Well, how's your relationship with God?" Because the answer to that question is always, "Not as great as it can be!'" No matter what, every sermon you hear on the matter the message is you can always grow closer, so when I or anyone else answers that question no matter what answer they give you, what they really are thinking is "Not as great as it could be" which makes me feel insignificant. Knowing I can never reach a point of inner peace for the remainder of my life. Knowing I can never taste perfection. So yeah, some days my life sucks and I hate it. That's not a good thing I know, but don't think this statement is meant to cause a pity party; it's not. I just don't want to be in this position. I never wanted to be in this position. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed getting an education. But in all honesty, even if I wasn't being educated I doubt I'd be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus! I love going to church, I love being filled witht he Holy Spirit. I love listening and reading God's word, but I no longer expect anything out of prayer. When I pray I expect the worst outcome. God's will, will be done whether I pray or not. Whether I want the best for myself or not my life will ultimately be just that, my life. Maybe I am meant to go through life completely unsatisfied with the way it's going at all times. So what exactly is the point of this entry other than to vent and complain. Truthfully I don't know. At this point in time I don't even know if I have a poem to go along with it. But as I search, you readers think about this question. "Is it possible to be fully connected with God and lead a miserable life?" Because what I've started to question is maybe my reason for being unhappy is due to the fact that I am not doing a satisfactory job. Apparently I am doig way below average because I try and seek God and I seem to live a less satisfied life than so many who don't walk with God at all. Or maybe they are just better hiders, and I'm not so good a seeker, If this was Hide and Go Seek I would never win. Now hold up one second because I have just hit a stud in the wall because I think I can work off this metaphor of hide and go seek. This will be the first poem in this blog that I will write spur of the moment (not already written prior to the entry). So here it is:

Hide, and Go Seek


So, you've found your dark crevice
But honestly is this where you want to stay
Should I just leave you be
Or would you like to come out and play
The game is actually quite simple
In fact, you can go back to this very spot
However, I could easily find you
But then again maybe not
Because so many times before
I have looked in the wrong direction
Even when the answer was in the same place
I chose to walk alone without protection
A mistake on my part?
Yes, I suppose I am the one to blame
I could place the fault on something else
It's not the player; it's the game
If I was the one to run and hide
instead of being the only seeker
I could have an easy route of escape
instead of feeling all the weaker
Seeking is no fun
because you usually stand alone
Until you've found a hidden soul
whose cover has been blown
Convince them to seek the truth
so they offer a helping hand
They may be a guiding light
or a sabotage to the plan
In either case, as the seeker
I never seem to be satisfied
because everyone else seems
so joyful when they run and hide
But joining them would never be
considered staying true to my own self
So while they seek their place to hide
I'll be off seeking something somewhere else
I'll seek my own salvation
perhaps underneath a steeple
Right out in the open
along with the rest of God's people
Even if I find myself in failure
I can only hope that he still provide's
Because I believe it's better to go seek
then to be the one that run's and hide's


Guess what, you are figuring this one out for yourself unless you request an explanation so I can get some feeback