Speak for me or through me

Recently I've been trying to get back into the Word, or the Bible to those who don't call it the word. I started in Luke because I like Luke and I've been looking for a scripture that I read a while ago. Last night I came across it again and it stuck out so I highlighted it though it still confuses me in different ways. Luke 13:30 says "Indeed those who are last will be first, and first who will be last." It probably appears in the bible a couple of times, phrased differently, but I've found this particular contradiction to pierce my flesh because I find myself being almost torn apart when I think deeply about it. Much like every set of contradiction I find I try and figure out what is a more accurate half of the contradiction. Usually I never come to a clear cut decision and I'm sure I won't come to a clear cut decision about what I want to say about this particular verse either. The reason it torments me so is because I can't figure out which side of this verse I am on and maybe I shouldn't think about it and just focus on bettering my relationship with God. But when I look at the verse, I notice "those who are last will be first". So often I feel like I'm pitying myself for finishing last or being falsely accused, or argued with, I feel like I try so hard to avoid argument, in the past avoid heartbreak, avoid dwelling on where I'll be led in the future, but I still think about it. I almost try and convince myself I'm finishing last, but the word says those who finish last will finish first so that should give me some hope right. Nope, of course not because there is another side to this contradiction. "and those first will be last". This leads me to question how good of a job I'm doing to put God first. Maybe I'm doing a bad job and I'm putting myself first which is why I feel like I'm finishing last. Or maybe it just varies from day today. Some day I try and make myself finish first and ignore God, but end up finishing last while other days I do a good job of helping others and serving God, or putting myself last, and maybe I'll feel good at the end of the day. As usual I have no full fledged answer. Another scripture that has confused me as of tonight is from Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer". This scripture amazes me because if we truly believe everything in the bible is true, then how could this be false. There are a lot of things I would never think to ask for like material posessions, but I have been asking for direction, motivation to get work done, and just do a good job of living life and find some satisfaction in what I'm doing. I've been going out some nights and spending an hour just alone with God so to speak. So often it seems like my prayers don't get answered, but once again maybe I'm just drawing pity on myself, nonetheless I feel that way sometimes, which leads me to question if I'm doing a good job of believing my faith. I mean I just don't know if it's possible to pray and convince myself that I believe, but really I'm not proving to God that I believe good enough. That praobably doesn't make much sense, but I don't really write anyway to make sense to others, I try and make sense out of life to help myself mostly. Hoping that maybe God will speak through me and answer some of my questions. Anyway, I'm gonna share another poem:

Dummies

I can't control myself
But who pulls all the strings?
You set me on the shelf
with these other lifeless things

I have you speaking for me
My mouth moves at your command
Please find yourself another hobby
There's not much more I can withstand

Try to imagine how I feel
When your hand is deep inside my back
And let us hope I don't reveal
the rage, that may compel me to attack

Why do I dream so hopelessly
to be like Pinnochio or Chuckie and his wife
But maybe it will turn into a reality
that I'll be given a chance at life

Cut the strings and set me free
And I will be grateful to exist
Even though I will still be a dummie
At least, you're not my ventrilliquist