Stay just for Today
So my last entry I wrote like 16 hours ago and I was pleased that I felt I was helped and guided in some sort of direction because God helped me out in figuring out the meaning of my poem. But right now, things changed, all at once I was sitting in Communications class and things started becoming blurry. It seemed as if a fit of rage came over me Here's what I wrote amidst a presentation:
People are so eager to prove something or someone wrong. No one is willing to take things for what they are or believed to be which is why some go crazy. If you spend all your time trying to figure out whats "right" you goin g to get caught up in something wrong. Why is faith constantly tested? How do I stop questioning things? All of a sudden things jump to not making sense, just as quickly as how I believe God answers me. This battle sucks. There is no victory. If you find victory in one thing I'm bound to get something else wrong. There's never balance. I figure one thing out but I f*ck up in some other area of my life whether it be school or being a "good" person. I so badyl want to drop everything and find a way to do what God wants completely, but what if there is a chance I miscontrue what God wants me to do and I f*ck up my whole life. He wouldn't allow that though right? This type of though destroys ones desire to do anything. Now I'm f*cking depressed again and I did nothing to deserve it. Why?
Now I don't know what in that passage so desperately needed to be written. Because I look at that and see someone complaining, someone that is a baby, someone who doesn't know what the hell they want. The bottom line is this, here where I'm at, at school, I've gotten nothing accomplished. No change has developed in me. I don't want to be here still. I still have no direction, in fact I'm losing patience. For a moment I was just getting content, just dealing with the fact that I'm so damn average. Dealing with the fact that I'm not good at a whole lot. Dealing with the fact that I can't measure up to anything. In fact I don't want to measure up to anything. I was thinking the other day about stuff too, but my attitude was better than today so I dealt with it differently. I tried to think about what type of person was. I decided I have priorities, number 1 on my list is being a Chrisitian, and I realized this though I've been hard on myself a lot because I feel I'm not doing a good job, but the bottom line is, I do do my best to keep God on my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week, when I do something wrong I recognize it immediately and for the most part my mistakes are accidental, I read my bible, I go to church, and I love God and enjoy worshipping in many ways. However, I'm an unhappy person, thats just the way things are, some people have something in them that doesn't allow them to be happy, thats life, I'll deal with it and enjoy the brief moments I can convince myself I'm happy with myself. Desptite the fact that I do get caught up in video games and try and do a lot of schoolwork the bottom line is God is #1 even though I constantly end up feeling like sh*t whenever I hear a sermon about not doing enough, face it you can never do enough, another thing that I will come to deal with. I heard someone talk about settling with being average a couple weeks back, but the fact of the matter is average is a place you have to deal with being for a while. I guess I'm prepared with being in the state of averageness until I die which God I hope is sooner than later. Anyway the second thing I am is a student. I try and get work done, I'm at college and I hate it, good thats number 2. The third thing I am is a writer. I spend a lot of time writing, I deal with things that way, I don't have a lot of people to open up to, maybe its my fault, but after a while you learn not to trust many people, the world does that to you. The 4th thing I am is an athlete, although I've been sick a lot lately, I enjoy doing physical activity, it keeps my mind off of how worthless I am, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that shows I have a little bit of respect for constituting as a person. Other than that I have nothing going for me. Now that I'm at college, I don't talk a whole lot to my family, I don't have what I'd consider to be any close friends. I'm just looking to get by until I realize what the hell I have to do. So things suck right now, I'll "man up" and deal with it, get by, not have pity on myself maybe, or maybe I won't do any of it and cry myself to sleep like I used to do, but in either case somehow it will get dealt with. Anyway I wanted to write a poem, but this is all I wrote.
If only I could Stay
Sitting there
I was alone
So unaware
Just hold the phone
How could I
Be hurt so bad
A place in the sky
I hoped I had
What caused my pain?
What makes me doubt?
Am I insane?
My heart pours out
But it’s not enough
No never enough
The “right” stuff
Is lost in the rough
And I’ll admit
When I have failed
Why don’t I quit
I just exhaled
Cease this breath
Keep hope in place
Watch out for death
Watch my face
For I have lost
A heart to be healed
What’s the cost
Of truth revealed
I run away
I made the choice
But I would stay
If I heard His voice
People are so eager to prove something or someone wrong. No one is willing to take things for what they are or believed to be which is why some go crazy. If you spend all your time trying to figure out whats "right" you goin g to get caught up in something wrong. Why is faith constantly tested? How do I stop questioning things? All of a sudden things jump to not making sense, just as quickly as how I believe God answers me. This battle sucks. There is no victory. If you find victory in one thing I'm bound to get something else wrong. There's never balance. I figure one thing out but I f*ck up in some other area of my life whether it be school or being a "good" person. I so badyl want to drop everything and find a way to do what God wants completely, but what if there is a chance I miscontrue what God wants me to do and I f*ck up my whole life. He wouldn't allow that though right? This type of though destroys ones desire to do anything. Now I'm f*cking depressed again and I did nothing to deserve it. Why?
Now I don't know what in that passage so desperately needed to be written. Because I look at that and see someone complaining, someone that is a baby, someone who doesn't know what the hell they want. The bottom line is this, here where I'm at, at school, I've gotten nothing accomplished. No change has developed in me. I don't want to be here still. I still have no direction, in fact I'm losing patience. For a moment I was just getting content, just dealing with the fact that I'm so damn average. Dealing with the fact that I'm not good at a whole lot. Dealing with the fact that I can't measure up to anything. In fact I don't want to measure up to anything. I was thinking the other day about stuff too, but my attitude was better than today so I dealt with it differently. I tried to think about what type of person was. I decided I have priorities, number 1 on my list is being a Chrisitian, and I realized this though I've been hard on myself a lot because I feel I'm not doing a good job, but the bottom line is, I do do my best to keep God on my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week, when I do something wrong I recognize it immediately and for the most part my mistakes are accidental, I read my bible, I go to church, and I love God and enjoy worshipping in many ways. However, I'm an unhappy person, thats just the way things are, some people have something in them that doesn't allow them to be happy, thats life, I'll deal with it and enjoy the brief moments I can convince myself I'm happy with myself. Desptite the fact that I do get caught up in video games and try and do a lot of schoolwork the bottom line is God is #1 even though I constantly end up feeling like sh*t whenever I hear a sermon about not doing enough, face it you can never do enough, another thing that I will come to deal with. I heard someone talk about settling with being average a couple weeks back, but the fact of the matter is average is a place you have to deal with being for a while. I guess I'm prepared with being in the state of averageness until I die which God I hope is sooner than later. Anyway the second thing I am is a student. I try and get work done, I'm at college and I hate it, good thats number 2. The third thing I am is a writer. I spend a lot of time writing, I deal with things that way, I don't have a lot of people to open up to, maybe its my fault, but after a while you learn not to trust many people, the world does that to you. The 4th thing I am is an athlete, although I've been sick a lot lately, I enjoy doing physical activity, it keeps my mind off of how worthless I am, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that shows I have a little bit of respect for constituting as a person. Other than that I have nothing going for me. Now that I'm at college, I don't talk a whole lot to my family, I don't have what I'd consider to be any close friends. I'm just looking to get by until I realize what the hell I have to do. So things suck right now, I'll "man up" and deal with it, get by, not have pity on myself maybe, or maybe I won't do any of it and cry myself to sleep like I used to do, but in either case somehow it will get dealt with. Anyway I wanted to write a poem, but this is all I wrote.
If only I could Stay
Sitting there
I was alone
So unaware
Just hold the phone
How could I
Be hurt so bad
A place in the sky
I hoped I had
What caused my pain?
What makes me doubt?
Am I insane?
My heart pours out
But it’s not enough
No never enough
The “right” stuff
Is lost in the rough
And I’ll admit
When I have failed
Why don’t I quit
I just exhaled
Cease this breath
Keep hope in place
Watch out for death
Watch my face
For I have lost
A heart to be healed
What’s the cost
Of truth revealed
I run away
I made the choice
But I would stay
If I heard His voice
posted by Jimmy at 2:21 PM
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