Prayer for Brokenness

So my last post was like two weeks ago. If there are any faithful readers other than myself, then yeah I'm not happy about it either. It's hard to always find things to write about. I guess things have been moving kind of slowly as of late, but very fast at the same time. The feelings I currently have are at odds because they confuse me. Break was last week and it was interesting; it was different because it was harder to seek out the God and I wasn't consumed in the Spirit as much as I have been at school. I've come to realize that being at JMU really keeps me in line with my faith. I never think that going to secular school with so much temptation around and so many people that do their own thing would be the place in which I keep myself in line. Over the course of break I can think of one instance where I disobeyed God which felt guilty for, but every time we sin we disobey God and guilt and conviction is a good thing because it forces us to either humble ourselves before the Lord and completely admit that we are failures in many areas of our lives. I speak for myself. Some may feel they aren't failures, but I'll be the first to raise my hand and say I am, well maybe not the first, but I'll raise my hand none the less. My speed has decreased drastically over the years. For me being home was both good and bad. I was happy to see my family and friends, and some things are going well, while others need work. I really feel God wants to use me whenever I am home so I need to be more willing to spread his word when I am home. I think I may have to be less sensitive to people's feelings when it comes to dealing with Jesus Christ. My heart cries out so much for my friends and family, I cried saturday, sunday, monday, and tuesday for my family and friends, and a lot for my mom, but when I cry I no longer look at it as a bad thing. I can remember when I was little I would cry just about every night, and it was the worst thing in the world, now it's not so bad. It's okay too mourn because that's when Jesus comforts us. It's truly beautiful too cry, it shows how sincere and badly you want something. I fear that my heart has become hard towards myself though. It's like when I fail God, I accept the fact that he will forgive me and not so much cry about being a failure. I consider that a bad thing. I hope God's not frustrated with me or has turned a cold shoulder to me, I read Hebrews 10:26 and it says, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of truth, no sacrifice for our sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and raging fire that will consume enemies of God." When I read this I came to believe their is a number of times that God allows one to sin before his mercy let's up. It could be the devil either trying to confuse me or me being paranoid and wanting to give up because maybe I have failed God too much. Or the worst possible thing I can think of is maybe I no longer stand a chance at God's gift of eternal life. If that be the case, what would be the point of even living anymore. I also wonder what this may hold for other Christians. Maybe their number and mercy has let up too. This particular scripture has frightened me to the point where sometimes I doubt that I know my own heart. Like I start to get confused about things and worry that even though I read my bible and feel what I perceive to be God's presence, all of a sudden it all gets really confusing. Like there is the part of my heart, that loves reading Go'd word, loves hearing testimonies of people being saved, love to be in God's presence, and loves the fact that Jesus Christ died for my sins, I also love talking to others about how God has moved in my life, but then the same day, I question my own sincerity. I think to myself that maybe I'm just a fake, maybe I do all of this faith stuff because I'm so helpless that I have no idea what else to do, and maybe everything that has happened was just coincidence and things in my life are going extremely well. I have a hard time believing that because I think this is the longest I've gone without actually complaining about my life. The longest time of my life where I have been thankful for being alive. Luckily tonight Aaron helped understand the passage better. I mean reading that passage hasn't stopped me from seeking after God by any means. Now I should also make mention that I prayed a prayer for God to break me. So along with that, I'm being prepared to fill up with much information and wisdom of the word, so when I go home I God can use me to win some souls for his Kingdom, and so I can see my friends and family in heaven. Because what does it matter if I am saved, if the people I love are not. Even the people I don't necessary are entirely too fond of I want to be saved. Why have I written so much? I don't
even have a poem to write with this. Actually I kind of do:

Broken into the Light

See the broken moonlight
as I sit alone with you
Amazing how there was no word
if there was a word
it wasn't heard
because my self-centered mind
thinks I stood a chance
at standing on my own two feet
without your help
See the broken moonlight
and though I see it
I feel as if it's trying to show me more?
Are you tring to show me more?
or am I just imagining what I want to see
because no one wants to be alone with me
and no one wants to see what I hope to see
They need to see the broken moonlight
to know how broken things can be
Broken things namely my heart
it's not your fault it was mine to start
And how I wish I could see the moonlight
in all it's glory, in all it's might
as it shines in the endless sky so bright
How I wish I could be with you
under the sky, through and through
By faith I know your love is true
As the broken moonlight
comes out from behind it's clowd
my heart will praise you oh so lowd
then I'll pray with my head bowed
that I will be taken to the Holy Place
And I can only get there by your grace
So make my love pure and for you alone
And when it is your will, Lord take me home

The reason I did not think I had a poem to write was due to the fact that this particular poem, at least the first half of it was written for a girl, up until the stanza that ends in start. I'm not going to say who it was written for because that's no one's business, but now it is written for God. I'm not really too sure what the broken moonlight metaphor even means in this context, but I can imagine it has something to do with the fact that as of now I can only see or feel a very small part of what glorious things God has to offer. It talks about how I am alone with him and talk to him or I may be quiet before him, and how sometimes I sit before him, hoping he will work miracles immediately. It even makes mention of how sometimes i question things like when it says, "Are you trying to show me more?" God wants to reveal more of himself to him so long as we are willing to seek. Sometimes I get down and feel alone and feel like no one will ever put up with me and I get very hard on myself. But even though sometimes I get upset with myself or things in life, I still have such hope like, hope I can't even describe that I will one day see God in all his Glory and it will be amazing. As I keep seeking God and as more of him is revealed to me and as amazing things happen, my faith will grow to levels I could never imagine and one day by his grace I will be in his kingdom forever praising his name. Peace and God's Love



I wrote this to my friend Ben at 1:15 in the morning. I just wanted to put it in here for my own memory:

I just want it to be known that there are a lot of things that I don't understand about life, there are a lot of things that I don't like to accept, but I do, and I get upset about a lot of things, and I wish I could say that I always had a close family to come home too. But I truly believe and may be certain about this more than any other thing I've ever thought I've known or believed in my life, that everything in my life has happened because God has allowed it and it's apart of his plan, and I can't do anything about it. I no longer can do anything in my life and be happy, in less I feel God is putting it on my heart to do so, and as I've been in school I've learned that the people I've grown up with, I can't be with on this earth forever, but if even I can have the hope that I can live eternally with them in Heaven, I would believe in just about anything because I so badly want to live in peace and harmony with those I love forever.