Doubting Yourself

So seeing how I have nothing to do over the course of this break, I've been reading my bible daily, trying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, trying to help the situation around me, and trying to enjoy myself, I've also been writing some poems. However, I don't necessarily like the direction my poems have gone that I have been writing in the past couple of days, I've accepted it. In other news, I've been spending my nights around the town going ice skating, playing night dodgball behind various schools, and driving around aimlessly with good company. So break has been pretty fun, but also pretty depressing. Anyway here is what I have been working on:

No Doubt in the End

In spite of it all
There’s been a loss of control
The loss of some lives
Of both young and old
It never mattered in the beginning
It still doesn’t matter in the end
To all those that found sinning
Something worthy to defend
What good did it ever do?
Hell on earth, is what it has made
All that the world holds true
Are words that continue to fade
Have the blessings been counted?
Or did the failures cancel them out?
Suppose that love fails
Would there be more reason to doubt
Does the love of God sustain?
Is there ever understanding?
It seems some love the pain
That comes with hard landing
The fall of man into hell
The unfortunate fate of most men
But imagine that all will be well
Even when no one else can
The dream of every human soul
Worshipping God in the holiest place
Fill every heart and every hole
Dreams that comes to pass by His grace

Doubt Comes to an End when the End Comes

What if it never comes?
Then who was made the fool
All this time spent waiting
Obeying every single rule
All the hopes and all the praise
The longing in one’s heart
For the day the dead would raise
And the sky would divide apart
Heaven would open and fall to earth
The believer’s souls would be redeemed
Every second suffering was to be of worth
The prophecy fulfilled or so it seemed
All those saw what John saw
And there was no reason to disbelieve
Every human soul stood in awe
For a blessing to be received
The glory it could have been
And the hope that it still can come
Maybe there’s no way to win
But the faith remains in some
Salvation never seemed so far away
Because their isn’t a single happy face
And even on a good day, no reason to stay
People just want to leave this place
But if for some sickening reason
This depressive world is meant to be
There’s hope that in this season
It will come to an end, so fittingly


No End to this Doubt

What if He never comes to my home
Then what am I to do
Because maybe I was alone
All those times I talked to you
All I could do was await
A second coming that never came
And all I’m left with is my faith
Faith that was all in one’s name
I banked my life on you father
Please don’t let me down now
Before I slip away even farther
Please come back to me now
You say you never left me
But you tell me who left who
When you’re up there in your glory
And I’m here suffering for you


Now I could understand how one could read these poems and think the writer struggles with some stuff that seems a little intense. I could also understand how these poems may lead a reader to doubt some intense stuff. And I could also understand how one could say doubt signifies a loss of faith. But my question is, for one to continue to believe yet to be filled with so much doubt, is that not a good thing? Think about it because there are a lot of unexplainable things, and sometimes even though it may be the devil working an succeeding I even doubt my God. And I don't doubt Him because I don't believe in Him, I simply doubt him because I look at the perdicament I'm in and just shout, "Where the Heck Are Ya?" I'm here looking around seeing the walls crumble down, and you know I've been in this situation before and I've waited before, but sometimes I'm confused whether you God have helped me out of the situation or if I've just walked over to a new set of walls and avoided the area that has been crumbling. Because often you know it seems like I just allow things to crumble because I pray about things, it seems like God doesn't answer and then eventually I just forget about stuff. Like most things in life with most people, when poop hits the fan, people just move on. People without knowing God get by easily, so what's to make me think that I just didn't get by, by coincidence. No doubt God's looking out, but I start to question, how blessed am I really? Granted my attitude has changed a lot, I'm happy with life, I personally have no real horrible outlook on life as I used to. Granted everything around me still appears to be screwed up. Granted I still feel alone amongst many individuals and granted things are nowhere close to perfect, and I'm sure God has helped me through most of it, and I'm thankful Jesus died for my sins, and I'm filled with joy when I receive the Holy Spirit, and it seems like no matter how much God throws at me that is positive and that is suppose to be of him, like I could witness someone being healed right before my very eyes, like see a limb grow back, but you know what I'd still have doubt in me. To me it just seems like it's only logical to doubt. Until I see the changes in me and around me that my heart desires I will doubt because I want to be blessed more. I want people around me to be blessed. There is no point to life unless God is going to work in us abundantly. I don't want this half-ass God serving me and I don't want to serve a half-ass God. And maybe all that means is I need to do a better job, but it's the same old same old folks. There is never enough I can do, there is never enough you can do. I devote my time I pay my dues, I pray, but ultimately it's not in my time, it's in God's time, so sometimes all you can do is just what your doing, and if that's doubt, than that's what it's got to be. But the second you take your doubt and allow that to be a reason for you to stop believing in a God that can do miracles signs and wonders, the second you take that doubt and refuse to go seek out the Holy Spirit and be filled, the second you take your doubt and say there is no such thing as sin and refuse to accept that Jesus died for our sins, is the same second when you've probably stamped your invitation to Hell. So go ahead criticize me for doubting, but your not going to convince me that doubt isn't apart of this whole faith thing. I've been thinking a lot lately about if it is possible to doubt and still claim to have faith, and I wrote down that question in my devotional and I realized, I don't listen to worship music and sing to God, and pray, and read my bible out of habit because I some of those things I do more than others, and my attitude is willing to do those things because I enjoy it. I enjoy seeking out God, I don't enjoy doubting but I do. And I'll agree that my faith needs to be stronger, but other than that their is no argument. Of course you can have faith and doubt. That's why it's faith and not fact. That's why some people don't believe at all. Peace out, God Bless!

Calling God for an Answer

If I was a reader I wouldn't even bother reading this. In fact I'd encourage you to stop before I thoroughly confuse you and myself. Basically I'm attemtping to work through this state of mind of impatience. Impatient because nothing changes around me for the better, impatient because I can read the word of God and get little to no knowledge out of it. Impatient because time moves so slow yet so fast at the same time. I slept most of my days away. I don't mean just during my break so far, I'm just talking about life in general, so much time wasted that seemed to fly by. All days of public school are behind me, but realize I'm happy with that. I take notice that I never did so much of the things that the rest of the world or at least kids did in high school. I mean me and other friends were I guess the odd ones out, and sure part of it was because I chose to be; I didn't want to go by what everyone else was doing, didn't want to fall into the whole school spirit, school dances, and party aspect of school. I wanted to keep to myself and enjoy the friends I had that were different. What does this have to do with anything is basically that I avoided the world but at the same time I didn't do nearly a good enough job seeking God. Maybe if I had, I could have helped some more people along the way instead of seeing them suffer now. I guess I refused to be used, or just didn't have enough wisdom to understand it, but once again that's my own fault, It's always your own fault for the most part. I mean I'm sorry I can't understand God, I'm sorry back in high school I was such a failure when it came to seeking out God, I'm sorry my faith was weak, I'm sorry God didn't reveal himself more to me, but once again that's my fault, all my fault, is it ever not my fault? No, it's always our own fault, but I've never wanted to take the blame. I mean I came to an already thouroughly messed up world. It was like this before I got here, but I was born into sin, I never stood a chance at coming close to perfection. I was counted out the minute I was born, knowing that my whole life I would have to strive to measure up to something that can't be measured up to. My whole life striving to attempt to live life to live perfectly for a second, but constantly being reminded of how flawed we all are. Who's fault is that, mine too? Adams for eating the forbidden fruit? Eve for tempting him? Satan for deceiving her? God for allowing all of it? If any of this is this case, then life is meant to me this screwed up, I meant to amount to nothing no matter what I do on this earth. Maybe I'm meant to never make a difference in the lives around me when all I desire is to see everyone saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and living for God, but I truly cannot blame people for not understanding. Will you look around for two seconds in how this world is? I'm surprised by the little faith God has blessed me with. I sometimes surprise myself that I am able to worship something I've never seen in its full glory, something I've never heard or at least know Ive heard. If God or an angel were to come to anyone, whetehr they walked in faith or not, I'd say it is very likely they would follow the will that has been placed on their lives just as Mary did. Believer or unbeliever I think they would suffer if an angle or God directly spoke to him, but what I have is the word of God in written form, unbeknownst to me if it has been changed or altered, I just take it for what it is and believe it because I have nothing else to believe in because I have no good reason to doubt. But I mean some people do seem to have good reason to doubt, I mean they think sin is fun and for the most part it can be if you don't feel guilty for partaking in it. But if I so much as say one wrong thing I immediately feel guilty, if I so much as forget to read my bible for a day I feel guilty, I guess that's a blessing of sort because God is holding me accountable, but what about those who aren't held accountable those who are lost and completely happy with their lives. It makes me wonder how lost they truly are. Because I one who is not "lost" if I screw up such as they I am worse off than them. I am not bitter because of this I am blessed again because I know right from wrong and God does indeed hold me accountable so I know what to and not to do. But at the same time when most everyone else around me does not know and does not abide by this principle how am I suppose to feel. Why should they listen to anything I have to say, if I tell them they are wrong? Because after all there could be hundreds of others telling them its okay, if they want to know for sure God needs to be the one to tell them not me. And if God were to use me, you'd think he'd speak through me instead of me stumbling over every word. But once again my fault right, yes indeed its my fault. I mean what do I have to do, if I knew I 'd do it, if it meant leave everything I have, if it meant dropping everything never seeing any family or friends again, present the oppurtunity and 'll go God because quite frankly my life is pretty meaningless. Sure I have some poetry I can write, sure I had this little dream of being a professional wrestler since I was 2, and sure I have family and friends that I love less than you God, but ultimately none of it has taken me places. The fact that not too many people even care to read my poems isn't taking me places, the fact that I have not done anything to pursue this worldly dream of being a pro wrestler has taken me nowhere, the fact that I love my family and friends has brought me a few steps backwards due to the fact that I hurt to know that most of them don't share my faith. I mean what do I have to even live for other than for fulfilling a purpose that I can't even come close to imagining. I mean I wish I had a clue, I really did, maybe a hint in the right direction instead of a confusing dream or confusing vision or a vague prophecy given that says "God wants to use you wherever you go" like what does that even mean, yeah I freakin want him to use me wherever I go and if you think for two seconds I'm not willing than guess again because I have no other reason to breathe, I breathe in hopes of that day when I see my family and friends all saved and rejoicing because God has done amazing things, I live for the day when maybe you know God can use my desire to be a pro wrestler to glorify him maybe, or live for the day when someone could read something I wrote a poem or anything and shed a tear because they think something I say may make a little bit of sense to them isntead of making a little bit of sense to everyone but not enough sense to change a life. Because it gets to the point where you think you can have all these hopes and desires and just see them behind a glass case that I can't break through, just put on my heart and mind as a trick from the devil just to make me suffer because nothing I do can ever be good enough, nothing I do can never truly bring me to a place where I can say everything is completely okay in the world, and sure I have no reason to complain about my life, sure I have a cold as I write this, but I'm not gonna die, sure I got a couple of C's this semester, but thats better than getting a D or failing, and sure I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea what to do with myself but God does and I guess that's all I can rely on is God, and just have faith that his plan is worth waiting for whatever it may be, because quite frankly I have nothing else to bank on, my skill has only led my to failure more times than I can count, relying on myself has led me to fail countless times, just read anything I've written before going to college. I mean sure you don't have access to it, but I do and I've read it over and over again, looking back at how pitiful I was, how lost I was, how I would cry almost every night about not wanting to live, I haven't been that much of a baby in at least 5 months which is amazing to me which is thanks to God because I thought I was meant to hate my life forever, I thought I was meant to be miserable until I die, but I myself am happy with how my life is right now, but that doesn't mean I don't want more for myself and more importantly those around me. I can only ask why I don't have more, but I know the answer to that, and it's my own fault, because I myself have come to a point where I don't know how to have more. I don't know what to do as usual. I'm alone in this basically. I look to one side and see people with such faith that it's sickening, people with such faith that even when they don't do miracles or don't really have anything to say, say it and still believe God has worked even when he hasn't visibly, people who pray the same prayer for someone even when no healing has occurred, when it takes the same time to heal whether they've been prayed over or not, but you always blame someone for not having enough faith, more faith, more faith, more faith, I wish it were that easy to say those words to say the words, devil don't tempt me and never be tempted again to say the words more faith and have faith to literally move a mountain. Why doesn't that happen? Then there are those at the opposite side of the spectrum, those who are so burnt out that they just follow this pattern of principle, this pattern of just do what the word of God says and go through the motions of going to church but never actually seeking after him. I've been there and when I was there I wanted to die, that's not the place to be for me. How about those that don't believe at all? I mean does doubting some things make me a horrible person. Does that condemn me or them? I mean when I doubt I seek, and when I don't find I continue to doubt until that changes. I mean sometimes I doubt when people pray for healing that someone will be healed simply because I don't believe that person has the gift of healing, I especially don't believe it when someone prays over me and nothing happens immediately, if I doubt that am I a horrible person. Is that against God's law? Sorry, it's my fault, I don't have enough faith yet, I mean heaven forbid your faith might be lacking because I don't know your heart so I don't judge you which is why I blame myself, which is why sometimes I am disappointed with myself for not having total faith in others abilities. Which is why sometimes I choose to be alone and sometimes I think it better to be alone with God, because I just don't want to put up with the confusion I am caused by everyone else around me. Sorry, that's my fault for being easily confused or deceived, more faith right. But I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I know my heart and I know what I truly desire, and I know I don't desire to screw up, but I am not always comprehending God's will for me, I am not always doing what God tells me, maybe because I don't recognize, but I know that desire to know and I desire to do, and that is why I refuse to condemn myself because I have enough faith to know that as long as I live, I have a purpose to fulfill. So I'm done with this passage, but I will end off with a poem that I put together from a series of lines I wrote over time and added to all tonight. I hope it makes sense, I just wrote whats on my heart, and what popped into my mind. God Bless and enjoy the poem:

Desires to be Fulfilled

Who's to say that what I say has no been said before?
Who's to say that when I pray, God listens to me no more?
I say that I discouraged for being merely just a man
but honestly who am I to question, the Almighy One's plan?
And things do not go just as man has once expected
but this not mean that you're one that God has rejected
Because God does not leave his people alone in the dark
When He called out a flood He told Noah to build an ark
So we know when we are lost that God provides a light
Just open the eyes of your heart; salvation is in sight
When life get's hard you should remember it's worth the fight
and don't blame God; instead, blame Adam for taking a bite
But when you bite into sin, know that God will bite back
He convicts you not to harm you, but to set you on track
I find myself asking why I along with many others ever disobey
Look at the world and how it twists a message worthy to convey
Jesus died so the Holy Spirit would be the one to have domain
Yet so many believers find Him to be something to constrain
He should be running rampant and lighting fires in our hearts
Yet debates that cause division, divide the Body into parts
Baptist, Catholic, Pentecostal, Evangelical, we are all on in the same
Jesus did now want division he wanted unity to tie in with his name
Let this nation be indivisible under God, with liberty and salvation for all
Instead of a nation of lackluster believers causing one another to take a fall
A little more faith, love, and willingness, aren't those the only things we need?
These are the things my heart desires, so under one allegiance, I will plead
Allow all the glory to go to God because he has led us down a purpose driven path
So long as you accept his Word and find salvation you will be spared from his wrath.

To Your life

Well I'm back at home and while I'm home I'm hoping for some amazing things to happen working through God. Tonight I went to the mall around 9:30 and as I was walking around I realized how much I don't like the mall. It could be because I was there alone, but in either case I don't like it, nor did I find anything worth buying or that I could afford. So I went to the book store at the mall and was looking at a possible Christian book that I may want to read during break, and unfortunately I could not find a single one that interested me. I saw a bunch of self help Christian books, and living your life with God, along with a whole bunch of books about things that argue against the bible, but nothing of real value. I mean its hard to find a book that can teach me something about walking with God and a relationship with him, other than the bible. The bible ultimately is your best bet, and then basically live your life as a book to try and be used for the glory of God. I was so frustrated picking up different books and being like okay this just doesn't seem to be very helpful. So I realize ultimately I have to learn the things necessary from God because his wisdom is so much more mighty than anyone's book on the shelf that I was looking at. While I was looking I also came across a book entitled "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris, and realized this man was bitterly against anything having to do with Christianity. I felt it necessary to go to his website and write him a letter stating that America was the furthest thing from a Christian Nation because the Holy Spirity is lacking compared to so many other countries. A lot of people in America have the Christian front, but open them up and their cover is very misleading. I myself was the same way, and I'm still not even close to perfect by a longshot, but I do know I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, I know I believe in God, and I know I've felt the Holy Spirit come over me on many occasions, and I know for a fact many people in this country that if you say the words "Holy Spirit" too they will look at you dumbfounded. We are not in a Christian Nation, not by a longshot, but if we were I guarentee we would be living in a very beautiful place. I don't have much else to say now, but I will hopefully the next time I write, so I'll just end off with a poem I wrote a while ago:

Title to your Life

What we have here is a story of irony at it's best
One would have thought the lies you tell would be given a rest
Not too mention you're a broken record
anoter record broken
for the most times you've repeated yourself
I've heard it all before
from the girl next door
You knew that she broke my heart too
She shared the same half-truths as you
Your a spitting image
A spitting image of all those who spit on me
You glorify that in which deserves no glory
Sing your praise
in hopes of better days
Abandoned faith, parted ways
Enter into a better blaze
It's mind bending
how you bend your mind
to break off your ties
You broke away from the only thing
that lets your spirit rise
Perhaps, you have something new to live for?
You bleed for a cause
but what caused you to bleed
Did you do this to yourself?
Is this your cry for help?
So you tried to inscribe
your message in blood
The very stain of your shame
is washed away in a flood
Yes, patience were lost
Yes, boundaries were crossed
It seemed no progress was made
Yes, you are broken in mind
but your problems are defined
Now look to be saved

This poem is about how our relationships with God are rocky ones, how we constantly tell God we will do our best to not sin again yet at times we fall short, how we are broken records repeating ourselves at times. It's almost as if God's voice is speaking in the poem. When we sin it's as if we are spitting on him and crucifying him all over again and we get a taste of hell and how bad it is. It's easy to not act upon sin and ollow God yet at times we ignore him. When we should not even live for anything else but God and when you do your cries for help won't be ignored. God's forgiving and He knows we need his help so if you haven't received salvation, then receive it, if you want to fill yourself up and rededicate your life too him, don't waste your time with other things and do it. Live for him, serve him, love him with your whole heart before all else. God is love, and Jesus loves us forever and ever. Please do yourself a favor and find God, feel the Holy Spirit and walk as Jesus did. God Bless!

Reject Acceptance and End Freedom

This is going to be a bunch of jumbled thoughts of things about this week. All in all my week has been good thus far. Tuesday night was the Chi Alpha Christmas dinner which was fun, good food and fellowship, and that night I finished my English Research Paper so that was cool. Wednesday I worked on another paper all day and studied for my final, Thursday I took my Global Politics final and I got a B in that class as my final grade which is pretty cool since I started out with a low D after the first test which was 25% of my grade. God was good like always and helped me through it. I also found out that an E-coli oubreak happened in Taco Bell's in New Jersey, I think this was God's way of telling me not to eat so much Taco Bell because it might be a sin. So when I go home I'll try to eat Taco Bell 2 times a week or less. But luckily God has spared me from any E-coli because that would not be very fun. Thursday night was also DURAG which was pretty cool, but after DURAG I was doing some bible study and was reading in 1 John 5 and was confused by some scripture. I've realized I need to be praying more for wisdom in God's word. I've been reading scripture and been amongst discussions and have been reading the Heavenly Man, and have been trying to figure out the true reason, why are there are so few on fire believers around. I mean many times I myself am not filled with the fire, but I desire it very much I know that for sure. There is way too much going on in America. I wish I was less focussed on anything around me, any posession, I don't want anything holding me back from God, but in America there is entirely too much holding us back, there is too much acceptance of different things. Our country has become so liberalized in ideas, that we just accept anything and everything even though most of which is entirely unacceptable, it's become acceptable for teenagers in highschool to drink, it's become acceptable, to abort babies, it's starting to become acceptable to be homosexual, it's become acceptable to do drugs namely in Colorado where marijuana is legal. In a way the people who are unaccepting and seem to be mean people are really more in the right. It seems our country is getting to the point where there is no break of moral code. Sure it's still illegal to murder, but it still happens, wars are still going on, There is no fire of God because a good job has been done to allow Satan to take control, and he has deceived so many people into thinking that so many things are okay. But listen up, if you willingly fill your lives with this garbage, your going to die, you will not have the gift of eternal life, you will never know Truth on this earth. You will live amidst your lies. It hurts to know that people are so deceived by the devil that even Christians have allowed certain things to just be okay in their eyes. But, I am so desperate to know the Truth in God's word, I mean sure some of the stuff is simple and I understand, but I want to know the Truth in all of it, I've come to this point where I cried out tonight towards the end of prayer that I no longer want to go home, back to New Jersey because when I go home it feels like I'm walking towards the Devil, I'm going to a place that may hurt my Spirit because the people around me are so dead in the Spirit, dead in life, there are those that have never known God and are dying and killing themselves with all their sinful desires, that will soon catch up with them and there are those that have turned away from God, those that think God will forgive them if they make no effort
to change. The Truth of the matter is if people seek out God with their whole heart and not worry about things of this world, God will take care of you. There so desperately needs to be revival and I really and truly believe revival on JMU campus is imminent, when I was praying for JMU tonight, it was the most the Spirit had poured out on me, God put it on my heart that it's close, but there are still things that need to be done. Though I still believe God will work in my family and friends, when I prayed for the campus God made me laugh because He was like its coming soon, very soon. But back to the whole family and friends thing. Basically I cried out to God and decided that if God does not either use me to change some lives when I go home for Christmas break I don't go back. If my mother is not completely healed, if lives aren't changed in those Christians that are asleep in God, and if God does not use me to bring people to salvation, I don't think I'm going back home. Because if these things don't come to pass than that means I am not yet strong enough in God to make a difference in the lives around me, and if I can't make a difference in those around me than my faith is truly weak. Sometimes, even right now I feel down in the Spirit because I feel so helpless. I'm tired of going home and losing everything I've gained from God here at school. He pours out so much more when I'm at school, reveals so much more to me, and I see lives changing more. At home, it's become a destruction to my soul. So unless I go home and see some dramatic changes in the lives of those around me, I'm not going back, guarenteed. It's not enough anymore that people are getting by in life. I think I've allowed that for many people in my life for a very long time now, and I even allowed myself to just get by for most of my life, but God has not given me one reason to complain about things not going well in my own life since I've been here unless I've fallen short for him which I feel I do at times when I fail to be used by him. I'm tired exhausted about thinking about the same family situations and same friendship situations back at home and crying out for them and not seeing or hearing of any changes. I'm tired of it, and I believe I remained pretty faithful to the cause. I need to see change for my Spirit to be raised more. Thank God for all the blessings he has poured out on me, but God please start to pour out blessings on those around me when I go home. Prayer tonight was also pretty cool because I had this image in my head that is pretty hard to explain, but I'll do my best. I saw almost a an entirely gold painting, but the pictures in the gold were basically drawn in black. The figures in the painting were a giant bird that was on fire diving towards the earth, I imagine that the bird was surrounded by a red fire and this bird was huge like an eagle of some sort, and as this bird was diving towards the earth, an upper torso of a man holding up a miniature cross towards the beak of the bird, was standing firm with a pained expression on his face. The bottom of the paper of the painting seemed to be ripped off or burned. I only say this for about 2 seconds. So that is as much as I can remember, but I also remember as it faded out it seemed like the bird turned into an airplane or a missile. I really am not sure exactly if this image or vision had any meaning. But what it seemed like was this man holding this cross outstretched towards the sky, was spared by this fire bird, or missile, or plain, that was heading directly at him, and he put up the cross and was spared by the grace of God. When I think about any meaning it's hard to not be a little scared, of the fiery bird or plane, or missile, but I pray my knowledge will grow more. Other than this vision and crying out and feeling the Holy Spirit, the only other thing I did was sit in silence, tonights prayer was once again awesome, but it was hard for me tonight because I am so desperate for things I've been praying for to play out. Like God fills me with his Holy Spirit, but I feel undeserving and I feel like it's being wasted on me because I know so many people that if they experienced it they would want more and more and I want more and more, but I don't know what more to do to seek after it, but God has been so good to me! One last thing I want to just make quick mention but is not exactly of importance, Way back during the beginning of summer I wrote a poem called "Our Clowning Achievements" and I posted it in my first blog. I make elusion to a song called "Send in the Clowns," and just today in theatre I found out there were actual lyrics to that song, I thought it was just an instrumental, and I found out the song is basically about a man and woman who's timing is horrible, they kind of like each other, but the timing of events in their life don't allow them to be together, when I wrote my poem I had this idea about people who are unsatisfied with life, but I can see how it relates to bad timing in the lives of humans. How we fill our time with so much garbage that when it comes time for church on Sunday that's when the show starts for some people, they put on their smiles and Jesus faces, and act like they've been living for God during the rest of the week when in reality the only time they make time for God is Sunday morning, that in a sense is bad timing. What if Jesus comes back on a Monday, and your Jesus face isn't on. It really makes me realize that time must be made for God and seeking out wisdom every day, Every day we should be in scripture, everyday we need to pray, even worship God, every single day and if you "don't have the time" make it because no one is that busy that they can't make time for God, and if you are that busy than your life is not where God wants it to be by any means. I'd have trouble believing that your life is where you want it to be if you don't have time for God. Anyway, that's all I have to say, so I'm gonna go to be and end off with a poem:

Freedoom Kills

And I will rip my heart out of my chest
Take in some air and give the heart the rest
Feel it beating in my hand
Now I'm in command
of my own destiny
Then I take a bite
So the blood fills my mouth
Bringing ease to swallow my doubt
So I can taste how cold I am
To all of those around me
to the darkness that surrounds me
I was speaking so profoundly
In the puddle of blood in which you found me
So this is why they associate
ones heart with love
I guess my heart does pour out
to something up above
This doesn't change the fact
that I don't cease to bleed
Drowning and choking on my own blood
at least my heart is freed.


Just now I've kind of realized how the freedom we have in America is killing Christians as believers. Freedom diminishes the power of our faith. Basically the images of darkness and blood symbolizes being tortured or suffering for God, and how beautiful it is because God will free our heart of the things that don't allow our hearts to fully pour out to God, and even though we may be drowning and choking on our own blood, as in if we were persecuted by our own country we would be free in a different way because we would realize more how valuable the Word of God, and the death of Jesus Christ was. Freedom kills our fire for God. God has put on my heart that I have work to do in another part of the country at some point in my life. For some reason he has really put India on my heart, I don't reall know anything about India, but he put it on my heart, and I believe it's a part of his plan for me. I hope people will wake up in America and find fire in their hearts and put more faith in Him, instead of all the comforts we have in life that make it so easy for so many of us to live.

Give me the Time Needed to do your Will

I've been super busy writing papers and doing tons of work as of late, but decided to take a break to glorfiy the things that God has done recently. Last week was pretty amazing as far as lighting a fire in my heart. I'm glad I was well received by God because my break wasn't exactly very spiritually fulfilling, but I'm too blame for that. On Thursday night, DURAG was amazing. It was a pretty intense word about not making enough time for God and it made me realize how during my break I had so much time and there was no excuse for not seeking out God more. I guess I was a little to excited about seeing people I hadn't seen in a while. Next break I need to make God my number 1 priority even though he is by all means, I just need to take more time to set aside for God especially when I am on my own. It's easy when there are tons of organizations and plugged in with a church and people who walk in the same faith to stay close to God, but I need to get better at being able to walk with God when I am all on my lonseome. He has already put on my heart, that my home is anywhere I go because I can feel at home so long as I feel God's presence with me. Friday night at prayer was by no means normal. The first night I went prayer a month ago, it was amazing intercession and crying out to God for so many people in my life and people that I have never met. Then the next two times I met were a bit rocky, but this past Friday was a Divine Appointment like no other. The Holy Spirit was alive and kicking in full force. Pastor Paul gave me a word that God is going to use me not only on JMU but everywhere I go, which really made me think even more about doing Missions Work because if God wants to use me wherever I go than I should go to some different places, but as for now God still wants to use me at JMU. He also said I will do it with a certain gentleness which to me was a little weird because sometimes I can be insensitive and when I talk to people I tend to deal with them in a serious matter when I am frustrated with them, but recently I can see how I am becoming more gentle with those around me. I'm still excited and waiting for God to work in the lives of my family and friends and I know he will whether it be through me or someone else. Friday was so amazing, people were slain in the Spirit, I may or may not have been, but I definitely felt his presence among me and I'm sure everyone else did as well, I don't know if I couldn't stand but I know at times I did not want to, I just wanted to lay before him, and once Pastor Paul gave me a word and prayed over me I fell down and just laid there for about 25 minutes. It was an amazing night. Saturday I must admit I was a little lackluster, I did not really do anything and did not devote enough time to seeking God, I pretty much ate and slept and did work, I read my bible for about 5 minutes. Sunday morning church was awesome. I love when service lasts 3 hours, it's awesome! Afterwards, me and Aaron ate and had good fellowship for while, but then I had to go home and get started on more papers, but I had some good worship cd's to listen to which was awesome and encouraged me as I wrote my paper, i also prepared for my presentation that I presented Monday morning. I was so overjoyed and thankful that God used me to present his word to my English class, I could have cried because I felt so blessed that I was able to do this, and God gave me words to say and present. He was so good throughout the whole process of my Research Paper because he just led me to all the information and scriptures I needed to make an affective presentation. He is so good. Thank you God! Today bible study was also awesome and we got to worship for a little while afterwards. That's all I have to write about, but I do have a poem about something I've been thinking about as far as my family and friends being saved goes.

You Can Say Things Will be Okay All You Want, but Things Will Only be Okay When I Know That You've Accepted Jesus in Your Hearts on This Day

The other day
I heard you say
that everything would be okay

but then this morning when I awoke
My chest was swollen, my heart, it broke
Before I could weap I smelled the smoke

I walked to the door, I felt the heat
Jumped out the window, but didn't land on my feet
Then I got up and ran towards the street

I heard a scream my back was turned
I looked around, my house, it burned

And then I knew what I had to do
I had to go back in and rescue you

I ran back to the house kicked in the door
Heard you scream on the second floor

The devils flames made it hell on earth
but my life is less than what you were worth

Ran up the steps and through the fire
It was hotter and hotter as I went higher and higher

When I finally made it to your room
came the time when I was to meet my doom

I grabbed your hand, led you down the stairs
Your life was saved, an answer to my prayers

As fate would have it the roof above me falls
My flesh is dead, for my Lord's voice, it calls

And even though I may be forever gone from this earth
life is meaningless in comparison to what salvations worth

My mission was to make sure that in heaven we would reunite
which is why I have no qualm with God taking me tonight

The meaning behind this poem is how I will come to feel when I know that my friends and family get right with God and acknowledge him as their savior and when they accept Jesus Christ dying for their sins and accpeting him into their hearts. This is how I will feel when I know they have been filled with the Holy Spirit, and realize that the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, God is our maker and lover, and if we seek a relationship with him everything in life is taken care of. I would spare my own life to know that my friends and family would be in Heaven and I would get to see them there, and I have to make sure I get there as well, but at times I feel I would be willing to sacrifice myself to go to hell if it meant the salvation of all of them. I mean I can say that on earth, but I'm sure it would not be worth it because God's promise to us when we meet him in Heaven is a joy that is entirely too unimaginable to develop words for. But if I lived in a perfect world where everyone was saved, it would be so beautiful, there would be no reason to complain, which is why I may one day have to die for the word of God to be shared amongst others, and I would be totally willing to do that. People need to feel the power and joy that comes with an altercation with the Holy Spirit, but when can only receie this amazing feeling if they seek him and once they seek him enough they can be filled with the Holy Spirit at any time so long as an individual shows a hunger for his presence. Until the day comes I can only imagine what it will be like when I see my closest friends and family dancing and praising God with their whole hearts, but when that day comes, I will be filled with this comfort that I no longer have anything to worry about. I felt the need to give that poem a long title because I know there is quite of work to be done before I will see God move in everyone's life that I desire to see him move in.