Calling God for an Answer

If I was a reader I wouldn't even bother reading this. In fact I'd encourage you to stop before I thoroughly confuse you and myself. Basically I'm attemtping to work through this state of mind of impatience. Impatient because nothing changes around me for the better, impatient because I can read the word of God and get little to no knowledge out of it. Impatient because time moves so slow yet so fast at the same time. I slept most of my days away. I don't mean just during my break so far, I'm just talking about life in general, so much time wasted that seemed to fly by. All days of public school are behind me, but realize I'm happy with that. I take notice that I never did so much of the things that the rest of the world or at least kids did in high school. I mean me and other friends were I guess the odd ones out, and sure part of it was because I chose to be; I didn't want to go by what everyone else was doing, didn't want to fall into the whole school spirit, school dances, and party aspect of school. I wanted to keep to myself and enjoy the friends I had that were different. What does this have to do with anything is basically that I avoided the world but at the same time I didn't do nearly a good enough job seeking God. Maybe if I had, I could have helped some more people along the way instead of seeing them suffer now. I guess I refused to be used, or just didn't have enough wisdom to understand it, but once again that's my own fault, It's always your own fault for the most part. I mean I'm sorry I can't understand God, I'm sorry back in high school I was such a failure when it came to seeking out God, I'm sorry my faith was weak, I'm sorry God didn't reveal himself more to me, but once again that's my fault, all my fault, is it ever not my fault? No, it's always our own fault, but I've never wanted to take the blame. I mean I came to an already thouroughly messed up world. It was like this before I got here, but I was born into sin, I never stood a chance at coming close to perfection. I was counted out the minute I was born, knowing that my whole life I would have to strive to measure up to something that can't be measured up to. My whole life striving to attempt to live life to live perfectly for a second, but constantly being reminded of how flawed we all are. Who's fault is that, mine too? Adams for eating the forbidden fruit? Eve for tempting him? Satan for deceiving her? God for allowing all of it? If any of this is this case, then life is meant to me this screwed up, I meant to amount to nothing no matter what I do on this earth. Maybe I'm meant to never make a difference in the lives around me when all I desire is to see everyone saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and living for God, but I truly cannot blame people for not understanding. Will you look around for two seconds in how this world is? I'm surprised by the little faith God has blessed me with. I sometimes surprise myself that I am able to worship something I've never seen in its full glory, something I've never heard or at least know Ive heard. If God or an angel were to come to anyone, whetehr they walked in faith or not, I'd say it is very likely they would follow the will that has been placed on their lives just as Mary did. Believer or unbeliever I think they would suffer if an angle or God directly spoke to him, but what I have is the word of God in written form, unbeknownst to me if it has been changed or altered, I just take it for what it is and believe it because I have nothing else to believe in because I have no good reason to doubt. But I mean some people do seem to have good reason to doubt, I mean they think sin is fun and for the most part it can be if you don't feel guilty for partaking in it. But if I so much as say one wrong thing I immediately feel guilty, if I so much as forget to read my bible for a day I feel guilty, I guess that's a blessing of sort because God is holding me accountable, but what about those who aren't held accountable those who are lost and completely happy with their lives. It makes me wonder how lost they truly are. Because I one who is not "lost" if I screw up such as they I am worse off than them. I am not bitter because of this I am blessed again because I know right from wrong and God does indeed hold me accountable so I know what to and not to do. But at the same time when most everyone else around me does not know and does not abide by this principle how am I suppose to feel. Why should they listen to anything I have to say, if I tell them they are wrong? Because after all there could be hundreds of others telling them its okay, if they want to know for sure God needs to be the one to tell them not me. And if God were to use me, you'd think he'd speak through me instead of me stumbling over every word. But once again my fault right, yes indeed its my fault. I mean what do I have to do, if I knew I 'd do it, if it meant leave everything I have, if it meant dropping everything never seeing any family or friends again, present the oppurtunity and 'll go God because quite frankly my life is pretty meaningless. Sure I have some poetry I can write, sure I had this little dream of being a professional wrestler since I was 2, and sure I have family and friends that I love less than you God, but ultimately none of it has taken me places. The fact that not too many people even care to read my poems isn't taking me places, the fact that I have not done anything to pursue this worldly dream of being a pro wrestler has taken me nowhere, the fact that I love my family and friends has brought me a few steps backwards due to the fact that I hurt to know that most of them don't share my faith. I mean what do I have to even live for other than for fulfilling a purpose that I can't even come close to imagining. I mean I wish I had a clue, I really did, maybe a hint in the right direction instead of a confusing dream or confusing vision or a vague prophecy given that says "God wants to use you wherever you go" like what does that even mean, yeah I freakin want him to use me wherever I go and if you think for two seconds I'm not willing than guess again because I have no other reason to breathe, I breathe in hopes of that day when I see my family and friends all saved and rejoicing because God has done amazing things, I live for the day when maybe you know God can use my desire to be a pro wrestler to glorify him maybe, or live for the day when someone could read something I wrote a poem or anything and shed a tear because they think something I say may make a little bit of sense to them isntead of making a little bit of sense to everyone but not enough sense to change a life. Because it gets to the point where you think you can have all these hopes and desires and just see them behind a glass case that I can't break through, just put on my heart and mind as a trick from the devil just to make me suffer because nothing I do can ever be good enough, nothing I do can never truly bring me to a place where I can say everything is completely okay in the world, and sure I have no reason to complain about my life, sure I have a cold as I write this, but I'm not gonna die, sure I got a couple of C's this semester, but thats better than getting a D or failing, and sure I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea what to do with myself but God does and I guess that's all I can rely on is God, and just have faith that his plan is worth waiting for whatever it may be, because quite frankly I have nothing else to bank on, my skill has only led my to failure more times than I can count, relying on myself has led me to fail countless times, just read anything I've written before going to college. I mean sure you don't have access to it, but I do and I've read it over and over again, looking back at how pitiful I was, how lost I was, how I would cry almost every night about not wanting to live, I haven't been that much of a baby in at least 5 months which is amazing to me which is thanks to God because I thought I was meant to hate my life forever, I thought I was meant to be miserable until I die, but I myself am happy with how my life is right now, but that doesn't mean I don't want more for myself and more importantly those around me. I can only ask why I don't have more, but I know the answer to that, and it's my own fault, because I myself have come to a point where I don't know how to have more. I don't know what to do as usual. I'm alone in this basically. I look to one side and see people with such faith that it's sickening, people with such faith that even when they don't do miracles or don't really have anything to say, say it and still believe God has worked even when he hasn't visibly, people who pray the same prayer for someone even when no healing has occurred, when it takes the same time to heal whether they've been prayed over or not, but you always blame someone for not having enough faith, more faith, more faith, more faith, I wish it were that easy to say those words to say the words, devil don't tempt me and never be tempted again to say the words more faith and have faith to literally move a mountain. Why doesn't that happen? Then there are those at the opposite side of the spectrum, those who are so burnt out that they just follow this pattern of principle, this pattern of just do what the word of God says and go through the motions of going to church but never actually seeking after him. I've been there and when I was there I wanted to die, that's not the place to be for me. How about those that don't believe at all? I mean does doubting some things make me a horrible person. Does that condemn me or them? I mean when I doubt I seek, and when I don't find I continue to doubt until that changes. I mean sometimes I doubt when people pray for healing that someone will be healed simply because I don't believe that person has the gift of healing, I especially don't believe it when someone prays over me and nothing happens immediately, if I doubt that am I a horrible person. Is that against God's law? Sorry, it's my fault, I don't have enough faith yet, I mean heaven forbid your faith might be lacking because I don't know your heart so I don't judge you which is why I blame myself, which is why sometimes I am disappointed with myself for not having total faith in others abilities. Which is why sometimes I choose to be alone and sometimes I think it better to be alone with God, because I just don't want to put up with the confusion I am caused by everyone else around me. Sorry, that's my fault for being easily confused or deceived, more faith right. But I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I know my heart and I know what I truly desire, and I know I don't desire to screw up, but I am not always comprehending God's will for me, I am not always doing what God tells me, maybe because I don't recognize, but I know that desire to know and I desire to do, and that is why I refuse to condemn myself because I have enough faith to know that as long as I live, I have a purpose to fulfill. So I'm done with this passage, but I will end off with a poem that I put together from a series of lines I wrote over time and added to all tonight. I hope it makes sense, I just wrote whats on my heart, and what popped into my mind. God Bless and enjoy the poem:

Desires to be Fulfilled

Who's to say that what I say has no been said before?
Who's to say that when I pray, God listens to me no more?
I say that I discouraged for being merely just a man
but honestly who am I to question, the Almighy One's plan?
And things do not go just as man has once expected
but this not mean that you're one that God has rejected
Because God does not leave his people alone in the dark
When He called out a flood He told Noah to build an ark
So we know when we are lost that God provides a light
Just open the eyes of your heart; salvation is in sight
When life get's hard you should remember it's worth the fight
and don't blame God; instead, blame Adam for taking a bite
But when you bite into sin, know that God will bite back
He convicts you not to harm you, but to set you on track
I find myself asking why I along with many others ever disobey
Look at the world and how it twists a message worthy to convey
Jesus died so the Holy Spirit would be the one to have domain
Yet so many believers find Him to be something to constrain
He should be running rampant and lighting fires in our hearts
Yet debates that cause division, divide the Body into parts
Baptist, Catholic, Pentecostal, Evangelical, we are all on in the same
Jesus did now want division he wanted unity to tie in with his name
Let this nation be indivisible under God, with liberty and salvation for all
Instead of a nation of lackluster believers causing one another to take a fall
A little more faith, love, and willingness, aren't those the only things we need?
These are the things my heart desires, so under one allegiance, I will plead
Allow all the glory to go to God because he has led us down a purpose driven path
So long as you accept his Word and find salvation you will be spared from his wrath.