Not much to say other than have a good day

This past week has gone really well. I haven't had a lot of work to do and if I did I probably just didn't do it, but this weekend I only have two papers to write which is pretty good. I'll be working on them shortly. Monday night bible study was amazing because I learned a lot and felt I should take what I learned and apply it when speaking to some of my close friends. On Tuesday night I went to Chi Alpha and Thursday I went to Durag and the message at Durag was pretty powerful and there were like 100 people there, it was cool. Friday night I went to prayer night at Church of the Living Waters which was amazing. I was soaked and could barely move my legs afterwards. That was my week, but on Thursday night at Durag I started thinking about things, and I wrote a lot down Friday morning and I was going to put it in here, but I decided I'm not going to because it's unfinished and I can't figure out what I was trying to say when I wrote this passage I was working on. So unfortunately I have nothing else to say nor do I have a poem to share. Now I must work on my papers. Good day!

What do you hair about?

Well I suppose I'll report on my weekend, the only eventful thing that happened was cutting my hair, yes I finally gave in, I cut off my golden curly locks and now its the shortest my hair has been in 2 years. I did myself, though I don't hate it like the time I accidentally shaved the sides of my head and then left the curls on top, but hey lets not get into that because that was 3 years ago and I looked silly, nor do I know how it was an accident, but it was. I missed church on Sunday cause I set my alarm for 9:50 pm instead of am, i was upset about it. Sunday night we lost our championship game 9-1. I'm not sure why we did so bad, but at least my foot didn't break like I thought it may have at first. It was still kind of fun. Other than that I remember doing a lot of video game playing and attempting to do homework, some eating, and sleeping.
I forgot to do a lot of homework though. Anyway I wrote a poem about my hair amongst other things. Towards the end it gets a little corny, but it was one of those deals where I was inspired and then was like okay lets end this poem.

Careless Hairlessness <------ I made that title up right now hehehe

I used to have a care
Back when I had my hair
The thing that allowed me to stand out
It wasn’t worth the attention brought about
I don’t want an outstanding quality
That brings people close to me
I’m willing to become just a number
When I can’t be feeling any number
Towards the world and all it offers
I seem subjected to the scoffers
But at least I can go to God
Get on my knees, begin to sob
Does that make me less a man?
Even though I’m doing what I can
Though my hair was a delight
The curls identified me in sight
But I decided to not allow to be defined
As the curly blonde I was so assigned
So now I have no hair
But I’ve forgotten how to care
About much of anything including myself
I deny my selfishness but not much else
Deny any pain I may or may not have felt
I think I’m content with what I’ve been dealt
But this about my hair and the promise I’ve made
To make myself a warrior armed with holy sage
And I know I don’t need hair for that
But by the time my hair grows back
I’m hoping my life will be on track
Towards a better place than where I’m at
But I’m doing just fine in my current state
And when my hair grows back I’ll be doing great!


Basically this poem tries to explain the reason I cut my hair. I mean I did love my hair and the curlyness and how I could never mold or sculpt it, and just dealt with the curls and allowed old ladies to admire it and constantly asked me if I got a perm. Every time my grandma sees me she asked if I got a perm, and I'd be like "No gram, I just woke up this morning and it was like this." Now granted I won't be getting compliments on my hair for a while nor will people say my hair is my trademark, but ultimately my hair doesn't make me who I am. Sure it was neat that people could recognize me from a distance, and it was fun to play with, because I could put my hair in my nose, and chew on it at times. But I cut it because I don't want to have something special about me even if it was just my hair. If someone is going to think I'm a cool person or someone they want to talk to, I want them to be able to do it when I'm as unattractive as possible. So yeah I miss my hair, yeah I didn't need to cut it, but I did and it will grow back in like 6 months which is a really long time and I wish it would take shorter, but I'm the same person. Still Jimmy, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I don't know, but that's it. I have nothing more to say. Good day! God Bless!

Run towards God kingdom and call it home

Today was pretty cool. I woke up, went to English class and did bad on a quiz, then fell asleep during class on my trusty purple pillow, then I came back too another nap, then went to theatre class and did nothing. After theatre I sat on the quad and wrote poems until lunchtime. After lunch I came back to the room, played some video games, went to play racquetball, ate dinner, and watched 30 minutes of the mens soccer game. Since then I've been in for the night, just like every weekend night, but I kind of enjoy just kicking it back and taking it easy. Also a silly thing happened when a girl walked in on me pooping. I don't know why she was in the guys bathroom but it was funny. Anyway the main point of this entry was to share the poems I wrote. Basically what I've done is devised a new way of writing poems for myself to keep me inspired, I choose a word that is usually made up of two words and switch them around. For example the poems I wrote I used the word homerun for one poem and then run home for another. I compiled a list of words in which I want to write poems about. The poems have deeper meaning behind the titles that are far deeper than they should be. Anyway here are the poems that I will explain after:

Run Home

For the most part I lead a comfortable life
Usually I spend time snuggly fitting in a brown niche
Occasionally I'll be tossed through the air
from "Spalding" to "Spalding"
I glide so my seams seemingly sping as I spin
However, sometimes my life becomes dreadful
I grow a custom
to living with a false sense of security
When game day comes my biggest fears are realized
I come face to face with my arch rival
This is the story for most of my kind
It tends to be a losing battle
I'm thrown to the wolves and I clench up
hoping my body does not get smashed
by the wooden cylinder known as "Slugger"
He's a rotten piece of crap, that's what he is
He hits me many times, causing me to get scuffed up
But every once in a while I'll throw myself
with such force that I snap "Slugger" in half
Unfortunately, "Slugger" is easily replaced
There are circumstances where "Slugger"
gets the best of my kind
On those occasions "Slugger" hits us
so damn hard that our insides fly out of our skin
leaving us to be useless and dead
But that's not the worst that can happen
The worst possible outcome is when "Slugger"
hits you so hard that you leave the stadium
causing one to be lost whether it be
in the woods or in the water
So lost that I'm never found
And all I want is for someone to find me
and bring me home to a snuggling mitt
This may be a time when one wishes
that they could just run home
Running home is all I want to do

Home... Run!

I enjoy being a kid
I enjoy knowing that my innocence
allows me to be protected from the world
I like having the freedom
to walk a couple of blocks to the park
and just play all by my lonesome
Don't get me wrong
I like playing with the other kids too
But playing alone allows me to be creative
Though mother tells me it's dangerous
She also tells me to be aware of my surroundings
Yesterday, I was completely aware
So aware that I noticed a man in black hiding in the bushes
He was older and looked like he needed a shower
I went up to him and asked if he was playing hide and go seek
He said yes and since I was the one to find him
he gave me some candy
Then he wanted to play to tag
He tagged me kind of hard and said, "you're it!"
He began to take off running
I chased him towards a dark alley
The alley was far away from anyone,
But I knew I had him trapped
I tagged in him and he smiled
I joyfully took off running
I had remembered mother told me to be home for dinner
I figured the man would follow me
considering he chased me after I tagged him
Hopefully, he could come to my house
and perhaps get a shower and cleaned up
Maybe he would even stay for dinner
But when I had reached the corner and called out
"I'm running to my house"
he disappeared
I turned the corner and looked back
and he was gone in an instant
Maybe he got tired and found some other kid
who was not as fast and tagged him
It's not my fault, it's just
when I think of home I begin to run fast
because I am so excited to see my mother
When I think home, I also think run
I wonder if that man had a home
Funny thing about mother though,
Today she showed me the newspaper
and said, "Charles, you know how I always tell you,
Be aware of your surroundings, well
this is why"
It was a picture of the poor old man
who was chasing me in handcuffs
Poor guy, he should have been aware of his surroundings
He should have followed me home like I hoped
Instead he followed another little boy home
and that little boy got him in trouble
I guess now, he doesn't have a home
All he can do now is run


These two poems have perspectives that reverse each other. In the first poem, it's talking about a baseball, an inanimate object who deeply fear the wrath of a baseball bat, he also fears being lost and alone. Whereas the boy in the second poem who should be very afraid of this stranger who could easily rape him or capture him shows absolutely no fear. He is naive and thinks that he could have helped this man, but in reality he is lucky that he was not the victim. The baseball in the other story was made to be hit with a bat and used in that way, but it does not want to whereas the boy in this story wants to help when he should be thinking about his own safety. The deeper meaning however is hidden in each of these poems, First in Run Home, the baseball shows a lot of relation to people in the world or at least in America. How fitting I used an example from America's greatest past time of baseball. Anyway the opening line "For the most part I lead a comfortable life" which is entirely true. We as individuals are blessed to live in America. Occasionally or maybe more than occasions we deal with being tossed around by life, being tested and sometimes we fail. Many times it feels like life is a losing battle. In this poem I relate "Slugger" to what I believe to be Satan. We battle against him and sometimes he gets the best of us. For many people he gets the best of them on too many occasions and people feel alone and wonder what they are missing. Fortunately for us we are not a baseball, we have the choice to not be alone in the woods or water because we can turn to God. Now the deeper meaning in Home... Run basically implies that when we were children things were fine and dandy. For me I loved being a little kid and constantly I wish I could be again and to this day I still act like one some or most of the time depending on who you talk to. Once again I guess you could see Satan as the stranger in this story. Fortunately for this child and his childlike faith that people are innocent at heart and he cannot be hurt, he can't be hurt because he walks with God and God protects us. Luckily the child in this story is protected and doesn't end up hurt in the end, but just know that I could have easily wrote a unhappy ending, but I didn't because it wasn't fitting. So Yay! I like these poems, so I am pleased, now I will go to bed. Good night and God Bless!

Wasting my words on weird things

In this book of an entry lies a funny story

I want to write tonight because I have positive things to write about and I'm in a good mood and silly things happened. I slept till 11:45, went to class at 12:30, it was pretty boring, but not bad, Towards the end of class which was Global Politics, we talked about poverty and people not eating in foreign countries and it made me realize I should stop complaining about things and be so much happier than I am at times. It's all in one's attitude. Anyway in Global politics I argued that people in poverty stricken and starving countries need to stop reproducing and spend time trying to get themselves to the point where they can support themselves. After that I had lunch which was delicious. Then I had my dumb discussion class for history in which no one read the readings so it was boring but i got an A- on my paper so I was pleased. When I returned from the discussion something silly but kind of gross happened but it makes me laugh. So I came in to my room and sat down at the computer and began talking to Clinton Merle Pop Fisher. When I say down I thought I (what the kids call it nowadays) sharted. Now I know this is "gross" or repulsive to write about, but I write about things like this normally and I figure sharing funny stories is better than complaining. Anywho I thought I sharted, luckily I have toilet paper in my room that I also use as tissues cause we don't have tissues, I've been sick for like 12 days so it's all we had left. Anyway I figured I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom which was an entire 12 feet away so I proceeded to take some TP and check my boxers. Now anyone reading this has probably 1) stopped 2) are thinking why am I reading this and who cares that he's checking to see if he sharted or 3) they are weird like me think this is kind of funny and can't wait to see what happens next. So anyway the climax of the story, as I checked myself I look over and realize the window has no shades and is wide open in broad daylight during a busy time of day. As I look up I could have sworn eye contact was made with a girl walking along the sidewalk while my hand was by my butt. Now this was kind of akward, not for me, for her, but I think I saw her giggling afterwards. It's a wonder how that played out. It was also funny because I told Clint what had happened through his cell phone in text and he was out to dinner with his girlfriend when it happened, and she ended up reading the whole story which is funny to me. That's all. After this I went to lift, I've gotten a lot weaker but I way 168 now, I still haven't gained weight since being here though I'd like to gain 15 pounds of muscle, pipe dreams Jim, pipe dreams. After lifting I showered, and I really did not want to go to the history lecture, there is too much history on thursdays, i knew it was gonna be boring, I had this feeling like i shouldnt go, I go to class late and a lot of people were absent, I fell asleep almost immediately for 45 minutes. I woke up and there was still a half hour of class left and i already missed all the notes, so I just read the Bible the rest of class. I decided to read Job because when I opened there a couple days ago I read some stuff that was similar to what I write at times, It seems the book of Job is a lot of repetitive complaining on Job's part. It reminds me of myself, but then again Job lost all his wealth and children so he had it slightly worse... ok fine a lot worse, but Job complained a lot too about not wanting to live and such. I read the first 14 verses and stopped because it got slightly bothersome to read much of the same thing, but the point of Job I feel is that it's okay to complain to God. I mean after all it displays that we need him, that we are helpless without him, he basically yells out to God in hopes of an answer. So even if I don't have things as worse as Job I can still complain at times and get away with it so to speak. After that boring class, I ate at Dukes and got some really gross pizza, it looked like it had a loogy on it. I ate it anyway despite how nasty it was. After dinner I got to go to an amazing bible study type thing or church service because DURAG came to JMU. It was amazing to see the way in which they shared God's word. Their ministry was a blessing and I'm pretty sure I'm going to attend regularly on Thursday nights so long as time allows it. Plus I like the word durag after all you can find that word in my screenname. My day was wonderous although I don't know how it's so late already. Well now is a good time to go to bed, but first a poem that isn't one of my best and I wrote it in April of this year.

Don't Waste my Time

As you read this poem
You will try to discover the meaning behind it
You will find a message the author is trying to convey
But why should you bother to read this poem
I can't answer that
Why was this poem ever written?
And who was it written for?
It is written to make a point
And it is for you the reader
Is this poem a waste of time?
Most likely, it will be
yet you continue read
You want to know the message, don't you?
Fine, I will tell you
It's actually quite simple
Don't allow someone to waste your time
Ironic, isn't it?
Because, that is exactly what I have done
Lesson Learned

Thinking things will be just fine

On Monday night I had bible study and it was pretty cool. We started in Matthew 5 with the Beatitudes which is something I never read believe it or not. It helped answer a bunch of questions and I was able to convince myself that things are going good and things are just fine. It was ironic how quickly my attitude changed during that day. I also realized that it's okay to question to certain things, and if it bothers you too much, just pray and God will help you find some answers. That was reassuring. Tuesday went pretty well too simply because tuesday is always my easiest day. I think I did okay on my history midterm even though I was completely unprepared and was the first one done out of 120 people. The midterm was two questions and he said to not waste time writing an intro and conclusion in the essay, and that he wasn't grading on grammar and sentence structure so i figured my 3 pages was enough to satisfy the questions. So after 30 minutes of writing I figured for 2 questions that was more than enough, so I waited 5 more minutes to see if anyone else was gonna finish but it appeared that everyone was still diligently writing. I decided it was not worth while to just sit and wait for someone else to turn in a paper so I got up seeing how I sit right in the middle of the lecture hall, I was stared at, handed in my test and walked out. I hope I did okay. Looking back in this passage it hasn't been full of excitement, drama, or good writing, but I'm satisfied with it simply because I have nothing to complain about on this moment, so instead I'll share a poem in which someone is complaining about the smallest thing but its kind of funny. Sorry if it's a little offensive, but it's not too bad.

Train of Thoughts

Let this be a time of relaxation
In forty-five minutes I'll reach my destination
I'll just wedge my purple pillow
between this seat and window and doze off
That is at least what I so desired
It did not seem like too farfetched of a thought
Until I realized that at each stop
more people would be getting on this train
Then I heard the dredded announcement
"Make room for oncoming passengers"

There is no way in hell I'm sharing my seat
They want me to risk my level of above average comfort
for a negative level of comfort for me and someone else
That's sheer craziness
Maybe they should consider making the train bigger

The train pulls up to the first stop
And I see the type of creeps that just might be
a potential seat stealer making me a seat sharer
Haha, no way fat spanish man
Not a chance me and you are squeezing into this two-seater
I see you eye-ing it up
Move along
especially if you ate burritos for lunch
Phew, that was a close one
His gas will be welcomed elsewhere
Now I can rest easy at least for another stop

Damn, that was fast!

This is just dandny, what an inconvenience
Why does this stop have so many people waiting to get on?
And why isn't anyone getting off this train?
Hey conductor!
You should throw Tony Pizzaria over there off the train,
whiles its moving
It looks like an oil tanker spilled on his scalp
And he's wearing far too much
marinara cologne
It's clogging my nasal passages
Oh good! He is getting off at this stop

Okay, fine, I can't avoid my destiny
But maybe I can choose who will share my seay
I'll be satisfied so long as it is not
that really old lady with a mustache
Thanfully, she walked in the opposite direction
No wait, please, not the metrosexual Indian guy
By the looks of that hat and tight shirt
he may hit on me
Good, he's on his cell phone and walking fast
I don't think he notived the open seat
or maybe he just thought I was too ugly to sit next to
That jerk!
I'm not ugly
I am a very good looking man, right?
Who am I kidding?
I am great looking
He was probably just intimidated by my looks
Yeah, that's it
Wait, why do I care?
I like girls....... right?
Yeah, I definitely like girls

Great, a bald, skinny, jewish man
It's cool, just act tough and he won't sit down
He will cower in fear
That's right Mortimer, keep walking
I don't need my taxes done yet
I can wait another month at least
But maybe I could get your business card
Aw shucks! That's alright
you're already in the next car

Sweet! Yeah baby,
there is room for you here
Darn, please come back!
Good point you deserve a seat all to yourself
Would it be creepy if I turn around stare at her?
I'll just peak through the seat
Why don't the make a bigger gap betwenn the seat and the window?
What if I had kids to check on?
Good thing I don't
If I had one of those annoying, little, butt munches
kicking my seat I would ring their neck

Well, it's inevitable now
At the next stop, someone will definitely sit next to me
I don't care if it's a vaguely Chinese woman
or if it's a weird, middle-aged, genious
that looks like a droopy version of John Malkovich
Even if it's a smurf, I'd be satisfied
Just as long as it's not a smelly person
or a Gothic teenager listening to loud music
or a nun, especially if it's a hot nun
Because then I'll just be let down
or it will be like that one dream I had where...
Neverming, just stop worrying about it

The moment of truth has arrived
Oh wait,
this is my stop, already?
So it is, that seemed very fast

I wonder if this station has donuts


I was inspired to write this poem on a train ride up to my mom's this summer. None of these people except the Metrosexual Indian guy did I see on the train. Nor did I care if anyone would sit next to me, no one did of course. In any case, this poem is just meant for humor purposes. That's all!

Stay just for Today

So my last entry I wrote like 16 hours ago and I was pleased that I felt I was helped and guided in some sort of direction because God helped me out in figuring out the meaning of my poem. But right now, things changed, all at once I was sitting in Communications class and things started becoming blurry. It seemed as if a fit of rage came over me Here's what I wrote amidst a presentation:

People are so eager to prove something or someone wrong. No one is willing to take things for what they are or believed to be which is why some go crazy. If you spend all your time trying to figure out whats "right" you goin g to get caught up in something wrong. Why is faith constantly tested? How do I stop questioning things? All of a sudden things jump to not making sense, just as quickly as how I believe God answers me. This battle sucks. There is no victory. If you find victory in one thing I'm bound to get something else wrong. There's never balance. I figure one thing out but I f*ck up in some other area of my life whether it be school or being a "good" person. I so badyl want to drop everything and find a way to do what God wants completely, but what if there is a chance I miscontrue what God wants me to do and I f*ck up my whole life. He wouldn't allow that though right? This type of though destroys ones desire to do anything. Now I'm f*cking depressed again and I did nothing to deserve it. Why?



Now I don't know what in that passage so desperately needed to be written. Because I look at that and see someone complaining, someone that is a baby, someone who doesn't know what the hell they want. The bottom line is this, here where I'm at, at school, I've gotten nothing accomplished. No change has developed in me. I don't want to be here still. I still have no direction, in fact I'm losing patience. For a moment I was just getting content, just dealing with the fact that I'm so damn average. Dealing with the fact that I'm not good at a whole lot. Dealing with the fact that I can't measure up to anything. In fact I don't want to measure up to anything. I was thinking the other day about stuff too, but my attitude was better than today so I dealt with it differently. I tried to think about what type of person was. I decided I have priorities, number 1 on my list is being a Chrisitian, and I realized this though I've been hard on myself a lot because I feel I'm not doing a good job, but the bottom line is, I do do my best to keep God on my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week, when I do something wrong I recognize it immediately and for the most part my mistakes are accidental, I read my bible, I go to church, and I love God and enjoy worshipping in many ways. However, I'm an unhappy person, thats just the way things are, some people have something in them that doesn't allow them to be happy, thats life, I'll deal with it and enjoy the brief moments I can convince myself I'm happy with myself. Desptite the fact that I do get caught up in video games and try and do a lot of schoolwork the bottom line is God is #1 even though I constantly end up feeling like sh*t whenever I hear a sermon about not doing enough, face it you can never do enough, another thing that I will come to deal with. I heard someone talk about settling with being average a couple weeks back, but the fact of the matter is average is a place you have to deal with being for a while. I guess I'm prepared with being in the state of averageness until I die which God I hope is sooner than later. Anyway the second thing I am is a student. I try and get work done, I'm at college and I hate it, good thats number 2. The third thing I am is a writer. I spend a lot of time writing, I deal with things that way, I don't have a lot of people to open up to, maybe its my fault, but after a while you learn not to trust many people, the world does that to you. The 4th thing I am is an athlete, although I've been sick a lot lately, I enjoy doing physical activity, it keeps my mind off of how worthless I am, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that shows I have a little bit of respect for constituting as a person. Other than that I have nothing going for me. Now that I'm at college, I don't talk a whole lot to my family, I don't have what I'd consider to be any close friends. I'm just looking to get by until I realize what the hell I have to do. So things suck right now, I'll "man up" and deal with it, get by, not have pity on myself maybe, or maybe I won't do any of it and cry myself to sleep like I used to do, but in either case somehow it will get dealt with. Anyway I wanted to write a poem, but this is all I wrote.


If only I could Stay

Sitting there
I was alone
So unaware
Just hold the phone
How could I
Be hurt so bad
A place in the sky
I hoped I had
What caused my pain?
What makes me doubt?
Am I insane?
My heart pours out
But it’s not enough
No never enough
The “right” stuff
Is lost in the rough
And I’ll admit
When I have failed
Why don’t I quit
I just exhaled
Cease this breath
Keep hope in place
Watch out for death
Watch my face
For I have lost
A heart to be healed
What’s the cost
Of truth revealed
I run away
I made the choice
But I would stay
If I heard His voice

That second you spend will be worth it

I went to church this morning and it was amazing. Gods presence was definitely felt and something pretty cool was revealed to me. I wrote a poem on Wednesday called Just for a Second and I didn't give an entirely logical explanation as to what the poem was about or what I wanted to say, but it seemed so clear to me after today. The character in the poem is unsure whether or not he is willing to obey God. However, in the poem he sifts through his mind to try and understand that he obeys God, but sometimes does it out of habit. However, I believe that once the character sits down for the second time he realizes what he needs to do. He needs to be willing to obey and do so submissively. During the sermon it became clear also as to why so many people refuse God. People dislike obeying authority. Everywhere this occurs. I thought the pastor made a valid point when he said it starts when you disobey your parents. So many kids and teenagers do the things they do simply because they are told they shouldn't or they can't. I'm willing to admit some things are meant to be figured out on ones own, but our parents or guardians do know something about there childs welfare. It hurts me to know that there are high school kids that are stupid enough to drink and do drugs simply because they get a crazy sensation that they can do something wrong and get away with it. I recently heard someone say they should lower the drinking age, and it made me think whether or not people would drink as much since it would be legal. I believe this would cause less people to drink and would encourage more people to get involved in something more dangerous. Once something becomes to easy to do and one can do it without any threatening consequence it most certainly takes away the fun of it for those who love sin. Eventually people realize they need something more than one thing they turn to. This makes me realize if people can't even obey their parents, then why would they be capable of obeying God. Granted some people don't have the best relationship with their parents, some people don't have parents, but this is no excuse for not obeying. For some people its hard to listen to authority, but ultimately it is so much easier to obey than do things on your own. Obey the law, Obey your parents, Obey God! Otherwise your just going to want to sit down for a second and watch your whole life pass you by and wonder what good you did or could have done. I don't want to sit down for anymore seconds, but I probably will at certain times and look at myself in order to realize I'm not living up to God's potential for me. However, I am so glad that he keeps me informed even if it is something very minor like my poem. So in conclusion I challenge, those who took a second or much longer to read this, if you can take a second of your time to read what I have to say, then you should take at least several minutes even hours over the course of a week to see what God has to say. Open up a bible, ask someone you know about Jesus. Go to a church service. Because you can sit down for one second and be captivated for a life time if you just allow God to let you know what he has in store for all of us. That second may turn to minutes and hours, but it will be worth it when you feel Gods presence. That's all I really have to say. I don't have a new poem today, but if you want go back and read Just for a Second. Even better than that, read a scripture. Peace out and God Bless!

Happy Dayz

Thus far my weekend has been very exciting. Even though everyone is away on fall break, I seemed to enjoy myself a lot. Friday night, I went to go see a play alone called Fat Pig. Although I did not really like the story line and it didn't make me laugh and I didn't care about the characters, I still thought the actors did an amazing job playing their roles. I don't know if thats a consolation, but I was glad I went to see it nonetheless. I'm already pretty much done the paper I have to write for it. I also didn't wake up till 2 in the afternoon on friday so most of my day was gone anyway. Then today was pretty cool too. I slept till 1, ate lunch, then me and Ricardo went to go see The Marine starring John Cena. It was a poor storyline, but I really liked the movie, the acting wasn't very good either, and there wasn't more than a minute of consecutive dialogue. The movie was pretty much just explosions and it remained PG13 which I liked. After the movie me and Ricardo got dinner, and then went to the girls volleyball game. That was exciting cause they won, but it did last 2 and a half hours. Then we came back watched some TV, I got some homework done, and now I can't wait for church tomorrow. I didn't get to go last week because I was very sick even though thats not a good excuse. I'm very excited to meet with God and seek what will be said. I have an old poem to share:

Fall of Oz

The mayor of Munchkin Land
Lollipop parliament at his command
Debating whether they will go to war
Against the flying monkeys bron to soar
Mini munchkins have been stolen
And Deputy Donut is patrolling
But the elusive monkeys can't be found
Unless they swoop down to the ground
It will be hard for the gummie guards to fight
Since they are handicapped by their height
The lion is a coward and the scarecrow has no brain
And Tinman doesn't have the heart to help the munchkin reign
So Oz is in turmoil, but there is no time for woe
The fate of the land lies in the hand of Dorothy and Toto
Stop the Wicked Witch, knock her off the broomish throne
And please end this horrid war so Dorothy can go home

This needs no explanation. Praise Jesus and good day!

Seconds to Minutes to Hours

The reason for the delay in a new entry is due to the fact that I've been horribly ill the past week. I really didn't do much of anything. I managed to get through the week and accomplished all I needed too. I made it through my presentation which was a good thing too. However I am still a little sick, and yesterday was a bummer because I was suppose to go to see a play and I walked 4 times to Theatre 2 which is a 12 minute walk from my dorm and each time I went I did not get a ticket1 time for class, then again at 4:45 to see if they were selling tickets and they said come back after 6, so i got there again at 6:25 and they were sold out and said come back at 7:50 so I got there at 7:40 and waited in line for 20 minutes and they said sorry everyone there are no seats avaliable to i walked back. I wasted like an hour and a half just in walking to and from Theatre 2, so instead I now have something to do on Friday night, which is going to see a play that probably no one else will be at because, everyone has gone home for fall break, something I should have put effort into trying to do. Now I'm stuck here for the rest of the weekend with very few people but it will be cool because I will get a lot of work done and read the bible to make up for how sick I was when i didnt feel like even moving. But yesterday I did do something productive because I wrote a poem after I walked back from the Theatre for the 4th time. So I'll post that. I wanted to say a whole bunch more meaningful things, but I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. So instead here is my poem

Just for a Second

I'm just going to sit down for a second
But this second will turn into minutes, then to hours
I don't sit down just to rest
I do it mostly to collect my thoughts
Thinking about myself, thinking about God
thing about myself and God together
Wait I worded that wrong
Because God should come before myself
I wish I could say I always catch myself
when I make a mistake such as that
But I'll confess, many times I am guilty of putting me first
I don't usually do it intentionally
Some say it's human nature to look out for one's self first
Kind of goes along with the "survival of the fittest" mentality
The reality of it is it's not human nature to be selfish
it's human error
humans choose to put themselves first
Is it a crime for people to want the best for themselves?
Is that really selfishness?
And is it slefish of me to take a break
to sit, reflect, and turn my cheek to the world for my own good?
That second of sitting down has already turned into
twenty minutes of thought and written word
See how easy it was to get caught up in something
I wanted to do and chose to do
However if someone like a teacher
had told me to go sit alone for twenty minutes and write,
I'd probably be mad at my teacher
write half as much as I have already written
and my topic would have been on how stupid the idea of sitting alone
and writing for twenty minutes is
The reason for this is quite obvious
People don't like to be told what to do
This makes me wonder,
maybe God tells me to do something
and the idea is placed in my head
but then I convince myself that the idea is stupid
and I don't do what God calls me to do
This could be a reason, but that woud put me at fault
Maybe God just doesn't have anything to say to me
or maybe he doesn't make himself clear enough to me
How quickly I put the blame on something else
It's so easy for me to unassume responsibility
which could be why I'm such a failure
I guess I don't own up to my mistakes enough
Maybe stting down for longer than a second was a mistake
Maybe within the minutes and hours that passed
was my chance to make the difference God wanted me to
Or maybe it's not too late
I can get up right now
And right now I'll go make that difference
Because this time I'm going to grasp that oppurtunity
I'm going, but wait what direction am I going?
What if I go the wrong way?
What if I waste God's time?
I don't want to be wrong again
I should think this over
I'm just going to sit down for a second

This poem is pretty easy and complicated to understand at the same time. I fear the message one might first find is that the person in this story, severely doubts the presence or the fact that God might exist, despite the fact that the character so desperately wants to please God. That's not the exact message I wanted to get across and I also want it to be known this poem was not based off myself entirely. I believe sitting down with God and collecting your thoughts is a good thing, and I'd encourage it. When I sit down with God, in all honesty, I don't hear his voice nor do I feel he has called me to do anything most of the time. Most of the time I just sit, pray, listen, and if I'm felt upset, usually I'll feel better even though I don't find direction or guidance, at least that I am aware of. The main point of the poem is to make sense of things, even though things go full circle and no questions are really answered. That's all I have to say about this poem.

I just want to add in, that usually when things start to turn for the better, I don't write things down as often which is another reason why I probably haven't written as much, but I just want to make mention that I've become comfortable and happy about everything even though I'm still a litte sick. Everything is settling down and my mindset has a adjusted towards a positive one. Hopefully I'll start writing about some positive stuff, so good news there. Good night and God Bless

Speak for me or through me

Recently I've been trying to get back into the Word, or the Bible to those who don't call it the word. I started in Luke because I like Luke and I've been looking for a scripture that I read a while ago. Last night I came across it again and it stuck out so I highlighted it though it still confuses me in different ways. Luke 13:30 says "Indeed those who are last will be first, and first who will be last." It probably appears in the bible a couple of times, phrased differently, but I've found this particular contradiction to pierce my flesh because I find myself being almost torn apart when I think deeply about it. Much like every set of contradiction I find I try and figure out what is a more accurate half of the contradiction. Usually I never come to a clear cut decision and I'm sure I won't come to a clear cut decision about what I want to say about this particular verse either. The reason it torments me so is because I can't figure out which side of this verse I am on and maybe I shouldn't think about it and just focus on bettering my relationship with God. But when I look at the verse, I notice "those who are last will be first". So often I feel like I'm pitying myself for finishing last or being falsely accused, or argued with, I feel like I try so hard to avoid argument, in the past avoid heartbreak, avoid dwelling on where I'll be led in the future, but I still think about it. I almost try and convince myself I'm finishing last, but the word says those who finish last will finish first so that should give me some hope right. Nope, of course not because there is another side to this contradiction. "and those first will be last". This leads me to question how good of a job I'm doing to put God first. Maybe I'm doing a bad job and I'm putting myself first which is why I feel like I'm finishing last. Or maybe it just varies from day today. Some day I try and make myself finish first and ignore God, but end up finishing last while other days I do a good job of helping others and serving God, or putting myself last, and maybe I'll feel good at the end of the day. As usual I have no full fledged answer. Another scripture that has confused me as of tonight is from Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer". This scripture amazes me because if we truly believe everything in the bible is true, then how could this be false. There are a lot of things I would never think to ask for like material posessions, but I have been asking for direction, motivation to get work done, and just do a good job of living life and find some satisfaction in what I'm doing. I've been going out some nights and spending an hour just alone with God so to speak. So often it seems like my prayers don't get answered, but once again maybe I'm just drawing pity on myself, nonetheless I feel that way sometimes, which leads me to question if I'm doing a good job of believing my faith. I mean I just don't know if it's possible to pray and convince myself that I believe, but really I'm not proving to God that I believe good enough. That praobably doesn't make much sense, but I don't really write anyway to make sense to others, I try and make sense out of life to help myself mostly. Hoping that maybe God will speak through me and answer some of my questions. Anyway, I'm gonna share another poem:

Dummies

I can't control myself
But who pulls all the strings?
You set me on the shelf
with these other lifeless things

I have you speaking for me
My mouth moves at your command
Please find yourself another hobby
There's not much more I can withstand

Try to imagine how I feel
When your hand is deep inside my back
And let us hope I don't reveal
the rage, that may compel me to attack

Why do I dream so hopelessly
to be like Pinnochio or Chuckie and his wife
But maybe it will turn into a reality
that I'll be given a chance at life

Cut the strings and set me free
And I will be grateful to exist
Even though I will still be a dummie
At least, you're not my ventrilliquist