Prayer for Brokenness

So my last post was like two weeks ago. If there are any faithful readers other than myself, then yeah I'm not happy about it either. It's hard to always find things to write about. I guess things have been moving kind of slowly as of late, but very fast at the same time. The feelings I currently have are at odds because they confuse me. Break was last week and it was interesting; it was different because it was harder to seek out the God and I wasn't consumed in the Spirit as much as I have been at school. I've come to realize that being at JMU really keeps me in line with my faith. I never think that going to secular school with so much temptation around and so many people that do their own thing would be the place in which I keep myself in line. Over the course of break I can think of one instance where I disobeyed God which felt guilty for, but every time we sin we disobey God and guilt and conviction is a good thing because it forces us to either humble ourselves before the Lord and completely admit that we are failures in many areas of our lives. I speak for myself. Some may feel they aren't failures, but I'll be the first to raise my hand and say I am, well maybe not the first, but I'll raise my hand none the less. My speed has decreased drastically over the years. For me being home was both good and bad. I was happy to see my family and friends, and some things are going well, while others need work. I really feel God wants to use me whenever I am home so I need to be more willing to spread his word when I am home. I think I may have to be less sensitive to people's feelings when it comes to dealing with Jesus Christ. My heart cries out so much for my friends and family, I cried saturday, sunday, monday, and tuesday for my family and friends, and a lot for my mom, but when I cry I no longer look at it as a bad thing. I can remember when I was little I would cry just about every night, and it was the worst thing in the world, now it's not so bad. It's okay too mourn because that's when Jesus comforts us. It's truly beautiful too cry, it shows how sincere and badly you want something. I fear that my heart has become hard towards myself though. It's like when I fail God, I accept the fact that he will forgive me and not so much cry about being a failure. I consider that a bad thing. I hope God's not frustrated with me or has turned a cold shoulder to me, I read Hebrews 10:26 and it says, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of truth, no sacrifice for our sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and raging fire that will consume enemies of God." When I read this I came to believe their is a number of times that God allows one to sin before his mercy let's up. It could be the devil either trying to confuse me or me being paranoid and wanting to give up because maybe I have failed God too much. Or the worst possible thing I can think of is maybe I no longer stand a chance at God's gift of eternal life. If that be the case, what would be the point of even living anymore. I also wonder what this may hold for other Christians. Maybe their number and mercy has let up too. This particular scripture has frightened me to the point where sometimes I doubt that I know my own heart. Like I start to get confused about things and worry that even though I read my bible and feel what I perceive to be God's presence, all of a sudden it all gets really confusing. Like there is the part of my heart, that loves reading Go'd word, loves hearing testimonies of people being saved, love to be in God's presence, and loves the fact that Jesus Christ died for my sins, I also love talking to others about how God has moved in my life, but then the same day, I question my own sincerity. I think to myself that maybe I'm just a fake, maybe I do all of this faith stuff because I'm so helpless that I have no idea what else to do, and maybe everything that has happened was just coincidence and things in my life are going extremely well. I have a hard time believing that because I think this is the longest I've gone without actually complaining about my life. The longest time of my life where I have been thankful for being alive. Luckily tonight Aaron helped understand the passage better. I mean reading that passage hasn't stopped me from seeking after God by any means. Now I should also make mention that I prayed a prayer for God to break me. So along with that, I'm being prepared to fill up with much information and wisdom of the word, so when I go home I God can use me to win some souls for his Kingdom, and so I can see my friends and family in heaven. Because what does it matter if I am saved, if the people I love are not. Even the people I don't necessary are entirely too fond of I want to be saved. Why have I written so much? I don't
even have a poem to write with this. Actually I kind of do:

Broken into the Light

See the broken moonlight
as I sit alone with you
Amazing how there was no word
if there was a word
it wasn't heard
because my self-centered mind
thinks I stood a chance
at standing on my own two feet
without your help
See the broken moonlight
and though I see it
I feel as if it's trying to show me more?
Are you tring to show me more?
or am I just imagining what I want to see
because no one wants to be alone with me
and no one wants to see what I hope to see
They need to see the broken moonlight
to know how broken things can be
Broken things namely my heart
it's not your fault it was mine to start
And how I wish I could see the moonlight
in all it's glory, in all it's might
as it shines in the endless sky so bright
How I wish I could be with you
under the sky, through and through
By faith I know your love is true
As the broken moonlight
comes out from behind it's clowd
my heart will praise you oh so lowd
then I'll pray with my head bowed
that I will be taken to the Holy Place
And I can only get there by your grace
So make my love pure and for you alone
And when it is your will, Lord take me home

The reason I did not think I had a poem to write was due to the fact that this particular poem, at least the first half of it was written for a girl, up until the stanza that ends in start. I'm not going to say who it was written for because that's no one's business, but now it is written for God. I'm not really too sure what the broken moonlight metaphor even means in this context, but I can imagine it has something to do with the fact that as of now I can only see or feel a very small part of what glorious things God has to offer. It talks about how I am alone with him and talk to him or I may be quiet before him, and how sometimes I sit before him, hoping he will work miracles immediately. It even makes mention of how sometimes i question things like when it says, "Are you trying to show me more?" God wants to reveal more of himself to him so long as we are willing to seek. Sometimes I get down and feel alone and feel like no one will ever put up with me and I get very hard on myself. But even though sometimes I get upset with myself or things in life, I still have such hope like, hope I can't even describe that I will one day see God in all his Glory and it will be amazing. As I keep seeking God and as more of him is revealed to me and as amazing things happen, my faith will grow to levels I could never imagine and one day by his grace I will be in his kingdom forever praising his name. Peace and God's Love



I wrote this to my friend Ben at 1:15 in the morning. I just wanted to put it in here for my own memory:

I just want it to be known that there are a lot of things that I don't understand about life, there are a lot of things that I don't like to accept, but I do, and I get upset about a lot of things, and I wish I could say that I always had a close family to come home too. But I truly believe and may be certain about this more than any other thing I've ever thought I've known or believed in my life, that everything in my life has happened because God has allowed it and it's apart of his plan, and I can't do anything about it. I no longer can do anything in my life and be happy, in less I feel God is putting it on my heart to do so, and as I've been in school I've learned that the people I've grown up with, I can't be with on this earth forever, but if even I can have the hope that I can live eternally with them in Heaven, I would believe in just about anything because I so badly want to live in peace and harmony with those I love forever.

Great is thy Faithfulness

I would have thought I'd have more to write, I was on a good run, writing almost every day way back when, but it seems like I don't have as much to write about, just like in life I don't have much to say. I've been thinking a lot lately about being quiet before the lord because of the power that any individuals words can have both good and bad. Me and John were talking about it and it was already on my mind, but it got me thinking about it more and more about how often I used to and still often do use my mouth to speak of useless things. Things that aren't necessarily bad, but are not productive either, and all over the bible God warns us about what we do with our mouths. For example in James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry." Everyone pretty much knows this one, but I've been attempting to practice this more often simply because I want to hear what God has for me to do, and I don't want to miss a second of what he may or may not reveal to me. I could be wasting time talking about how funny or good my day was and maybe during that time God is like what about how good I am. What about how many things I do for you my child. Why don't you praise my name right now. Now I'm not saying we should never speak of anything but God and at the same time I'm saying it would be a great idea to only speak of God all the time, but in James 3:1 it says, "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." This part is so true because think about how often, even in recent times with Ted Haggard, the pastor who was recently caught in a scandal. To teach the word of God means you will be put at the chopping block for every little thing you do and not only that Satan will be targeting you more heavily. I'm not saying this should discourage us from being teachers, I'm just saying God does not always want you to talk about God because sometimes when we talk about God we say the wrong thing. We should talk to others about God when God either puts it on our heart or is speaking through us, but during those other times we should just be watching our words so to speak. James 3:5 says, "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts." I can say that often among Christians and non-Christians alike people boast about things that aren't necessarily true. Sometimes I question whether boasting about how God has used both me and others is really encouraging or discouraging. I mean of course people should praise God for what he has done, but there have been times when I've heard how much God has been working in some people's lives and I myself get discouraged. Whether they intended to do that or not, I myself start to feel like this person must be more righteous than me, even though no man can put a tag on righteousness. As I read on further in James I discovered in James 3:14 it states, "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in you hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth." Now sometimes I also wonder whether or not as a Christian when you are begging God to use you more and more and it's not happening whether it is selfish to want God to use you. Because when I read this verse when it says do not boast about it, I get the impression that we should never even speak of the things we do for Christ, but at the same times how fine is the line between boasting and simply sharing what God has done. It's one of those confusing things I pray for wisdom about. I think what it comes down to is frustration with myself for being so bad at speaking, like when I try and share God's word I stumble, and when so many others share it so well through God, I'm just like "What a bummer!" For anyone else who feels this way, here is my word of encouragement. Think of the word of God this way, it does not matter who presents it the best, nor does it matter whether it's you or someone else doing it so long as it is done. God will give us all our oppurtunities so long as we have the desire to be used, and it will take a little bit of patience, but remain faithful. Faithfulness is what God has been speaking to me from others Words and something he's been putting on my heart. And for those who are discouraged because they feel like they don't know God at all and feel like they can never hear him no matter how much they speak to him, I have another word of encouragement. "If you want to know God more, make yourself known to Him" and you can do this by getting into his word, praising him, and praying. I hope some of this made sense, but it's late so I'm just going to share a poem I started a month and a half ago.

Be Patient for Purpose

The message was so complicated
because nothing is what it seems
His ideas seemed entirely replicated
from my own hopes and dreams
This idea drawn out before me
how could it not have caught my gaze
My dream became reality
but someone else received the praise
When I heard him speak I knew
that all would perceive this man to be right
Whatever he was going through
the people had compassion on this night
Every eye and ear he captivated
it became part of his identity
But the ideals that he demonstrated
could not convince me to agree
My words were spoken from another
And at that time I surcame to envy
Instead of seeing him as a brother
I saw him sided with the enemy
Then my Lord, He shed some light
and told me that I should rejoice
The words were not mine to write
Because the word was God's voice
So it does not matter who he speaks through
Just as long as Jesus Christ is proclaimed
Be patient and God will certainly use you
Because for His glory you were named


The narrator of the poem is frustrated that the words God put on his heart were spoken by someone else. What the narrator does not realize at first is that God is the one who provided this mere mortal man with this wisdom, so it does not matter who speaks the words of wisdom because God should be the one receiving the praise for it. When the narrator is amongst the crowd he believes that everyone else will "perceive the speaker to be right" and for good reason because God is speaking through the speaker. However the narrator does not want to believe what is being spoken because he wanted to be the one to say the words of wisdom. But towards the end of the poem the narrator realizes God's word is God's word no matter who it is spoken through so long as the Spirit is leading it. The very end of the poem is basically the narrators realization and encouragement to the reader of the poem that God has given us all a purpose and as long as we remain obedient and faithful to God he will use us and show us his will over our lives and how much of a blessing is that! God Bless us for Him making that promise to us! God is good! Peace and Love!

The word is to love not to judge

So I'm sitting here listening to David Crowder and was working on a history project, and thinking about how I've been wanting to write something because I haven't written anything in a while. I kind of feel like I'm in a waiting position right now because no real strides have been made. I mean I absolutely love life and how my relationship with God and spirit has become so much stronger than ever, so that's a huge blessing. However, I feel like I don't know what I can offer to God, I've been praying that he uses me more and maybe gives me words to write, but for like the past week I've started writing some stuff but can't finish it or end up being disappointed with it. It's like I'm not sure what I even want to say, what words I can write to make some sort of impact. I've been discouraged because like I've been craving something amazing to happen everyday and when it doesn't I get a little disappointed, but not everyday is going to be filled with blessings. I was a little worried Thursday and Friday because this guy came to JMU and called himself a preacher and was preaching a message of hate. I listened to him for an hour or so, and listened to people arguing and I opened my bible and read this scripture. 2 Timothy 2:14 "Keep reminding them of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen." At first I was disappointed that everyone was listening to this man and was like if everyone ignored him instead of arguing with him their wouldn't be a problem. But then I realized not then but almost right now that these mans words and the arguing between him and the crowd was ruining my mindset, it had a negative effect on my faith. I realize as a follower of Jesus Christ my faith is not strong enough where I can stand in the midst of arguing that is doing no good and in effect it negatively effected me over a couple of days. But God still found a way to use me which I also didn't realize until today. After an hour I went to my room to get my stuff for class I had at 3:30. As I was heading back to my dorm I overheard someone say "Let's throw a pie at this guy!" God wanted me to hear that. So I walked to my dorm and I knew I would have to walk by this preacher again to go to class. So as I was walking back I saw the false preacher covered in pie and then God spoke to me not allowed, but in my heart, he was like "You need to wipe him off and not say a word." So I went to the bathroom in Warren Hall, got a giant handful of paper towels, and walked up to the preacher on the hill and began wiping this man completely off. It was like I myself wasn't even doing it, but as I did it he stopped preaching and the giant crowd stopped yelling. I did not say a word or even look at a single person. As I wiped him off, the preacher whispered, "thank you" and I wiped him off until you could not see any more whipped cream from the pie. I said "God Bless" and walked through the crowd with my head down and walked off to class. That was on thursday, but God was basically I guess trying to show people that words mean nothing. You can argue all day, but it will mean nothing. I didn't want any acknowledgment for it, in fact I didn't even want people to know, but I told people in order to basically show a message through the whole thing, but today after me and Dan had lost first round in our racquetball tournament, we were walking back from UREC and a guy approached me who was amongst the crowd and told me he saw me wipe off the preacher and he said it was a kind act of love, so I thanked him for the compliment. The thing about God is, he may not always speak to us directly, he may allow some to hear his voice, but the thing is God doesn't always show us our plan through his words, he may give us a vision, he may speak through someone else, or maybe he just puts it in our heart. God doesn't show us love by saying in his booming voice "I love you." He shows us his love through his Holy Spirit, through healing, God's actions speak louder than words, and it was just the same with Jesus. Lately, I've been discouraged because I want to know my purpose and I've been like God speak to me so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what your will for me is, but I know God will reveal it to me one day. So I just need to be patient, and maybe one day when I dig myself into a whole and am covered up to my head in dirt or pie, he will wipe me clean and show me what his will is. Anyway I'll wrap this up with a poem.


Passing by judgment as judgment is passed

A crowd, once passerbys turned their attention
to man standing on a hill, so bold
But I should also make mention
that is heart was one that was cold
He spoke to condemn the broken
those who were caught up in the world
He never seemed to be outspoken
into the crowd, stones were hurled
So they stood and yelled profanities
when no one forces them to be still
To be amongst their individual insanities
would mean I would need a stonger will
Though I wanted to walk away
I decided to stay and wait
Who would have known that on this day
I'd hear a preacher speak words of hate
He spoke nothing of God's love
just of God's apparent hatred for sinners
But when push comes to shove
Jesus died to make us winners
If we so desire we must be willing to allow
God to come and live inside of our hearts
We humble ourselves, our knees will bow
and this is how our salvation starts
Instead their was just an argument
between every skeptic and every scoffer
Everyone so quick to pass judgment
No one saw what God had to offer
So I felt that it was time to walk away
there was no time for me to stay and wait
because apparently on this day
every spoken word was one backed by hate
Like every one of us the preacher had a need
His stain covered clothing was easily seen
After seeing the hate that his words did breed
My heart told me to make this man clean

See fit to Read it!

Note: If you read any of my entries this should be it because this was not me writing it


I really should be in bed right now because I have to wake up for church tomorrow and I'm always usually tired when I get to church, but God put it on my heart to write a poem tonight, so I chose to make an entry. I went to Jason Upton concerts both Friday and Saturday night. Now it's Sunday early early morning. Anyway they were amazing concerts. He had a lot to speak about Friday night which touched me in many ways. I believe I'll be able to speak to many of my family and friends about God's glory and his existence and I especially want to talk to my father. It was an eye opening experience, he had such insight about life that I've never heard put in such a way before. It's obvious he's an annointed singer/songwriter. And he has an amazing way of expressing words of wisdom from God. He spoke about people not thinking for themselves Saturday night and how a custom people have become to just buying into the media and what the majority speaks of. I related it in my mind to how people drink and party and how when kids first start to take part in it they usually do it based on what others present as being the cool thing to do and so many kids buy into that. It's not likely that teens would go to a party and drink of their own volition, they do it because they don't think for themselves and see others doing it and they care so much about fitting in that they refuse to think for themselves and fall into a common belief that drinking and partying will bring you friends and popularity. Jason related it to politics and how the media constantly pushes the political views on people and people just believe what they see and base all their judgements off of newscasters. It's true, and it's sad the world works that way. But a lot of people fear thinking for themselves because they don't want to feel alone, if they can just conform to beliefs of the majority their mediocrity will be disguised in the midst of a sea of mediocrity. This makes it all the more clear that if people would seek truth instead of just believing false words, people would easily realize their is truth in the word of God. There isn't one principle in the bible that produces evil, man produces evil which is why the world is in the state its in. Because man chooses to ignore the word of God and they build man made empires that fall in instants and are made to collapse and if they don't collapse by another man, than God can use his power to collapse the empire, thus humbling man. I think America needs to be humbled. America needs to come to the realization that we can't be almighty and powerful because we are human, and unless we realize God created us equally to everyone else, our empire will fall in an instant. I assure you unless an enormous revival occurs, unless we realize in America not to be so self centered and quest for wealth and power, then the empire will fall, but maybe thats what America needs, maybe America needs to fall in order for people to realize they must seek God because his word is Truth, and the Truth will set you free. So that's what God put on my heart, in all honesty my fingers have never typed so fast nor did I have any idea of what I was going to write before I wrote this so I don't even know what I just typed but I will read it tomorrow. I just want to put up my poem now and get some sleep so I can be awake during church tomorrow. So here's my newest poem:

See it fit to be Selfless

When I sit and ponder
I question the things I've done wrong
and the things I didn't do right
I try and justify the means
by saying what I mean
wasn't what I meant to do
and the things I do wrong
aren't necessarily what I mean
I often use the excuse
My mistakes are unintentional
And I am not at fault
What happens when I have no one else to blame?
Do I dare take the blame for my own downfall?
But before you become quick to judge me
for not wanting to admit that I'm wrong
Look at yourselves
Your awfully quick to convict
and you'll condemn mortal men
however, when you are in the wrong
you attempt to point out all the ways
in which you believe you are superior
to those that surround you
It's common to not want to blame yourself
and common to deny your shortcomings
which is why you begin to seek out
things that will disguise your mediocrity
You seek others that self satisfy
others that are so heart set
on satisfying themselves
that they have no time to notice your flaws
you conform to a way of thinking
that is so self serving that your
not even thinking for yourself
Because everything else is telling you
"Look out for number 1" and "help yourself"
"love yourself over all else"
In spite of all those worldly words
there are words of wisdom through Jesus
"Love your brother like you love yourself"
and "Love your enemies"
These words save you from being selfish
yet you still see it fitting to fit in
with those who fail to seek God
when you should fail to fit in
because you find it fittng to seek God
When you seek God you don't need approval
from everything around you
because God approves of you
But don't allow me to tell you
that all I care about is fitting into
the kingdom of heaven
I encourage you to discover it for yourself
Find it fitting to find for yourself
that being selfless is what will satisfy you
All because that's what God finds fitting
and fitting in with God is the perfect fit
And how fitting it is that God loves you


I just want to make it clear that this poem is not a direct offense to all who read it, because I am by no means saying that everyone tries to fit in and everyone blames other people for their shortcomings. However, I myself know that I have blamed others for when I screw up, I'm sure many of us have, but the reason for the use of you's is because this does speak directly to the reader, I wanted it to be a reminder to myself, that sometimes yeah Jim you blame others and you need to work on sometimes that when you mess up it is your fault and the ending is so beautiful "And how fitting it is that God loves you" because that is speaking to everyone. This holds true for every human even those who believe they are too good for God so they deny his existence. The bottom line of this poem is that to live life you should not live to satisfy your own desires, namely sinful desires, God wants us all to be happy but he wants to be glad in Him. "We will rejoice and be glad in Him" is a worship song I remember singing in church and that is true so long as we choose to accept him, we cannot be glad in him if we denounce him so I encourage those who don't know God to not denounce something they don't know. That is the problem with most people today. They denounce things that they are unfamiliar with or have never experienced. They are so used to what they are comfortable with or what pleases them that they refuse to step out of these worldly boundaries, especially in America. People need to realize that fitting in and blending in with the world is not the number one priority but so many people make it that, they think "As long as I fit in and people like me for doing what they do, at least I'll be accepted" when the truth is you already are accepted. You can be accepted just by being yourself because God accepts you. Anyway that's the message here! God Bless, Good night, Amen!

Why you Walk

So how can I make this positive, I mean it still will be positive, its just right now I feel like garbage. It could be because I haven't eaten in 3 days, but I don't think that's it because I don't feel hungry. I'm disappointed because I feel weak, I look at myself and my body doesn't look defined or in shape, which I guess should not be a reason to be upset. However, I am kind of disappointed because I fear all the working out I've down since last April will end up being worthless after a week of not eating. I went to DURAG tonight which was pretty cool, I'll admit some things made me a little uncomfortable, but I still was able to dance and be filled with the Holy Spirit which helped because I was feeling down today, but now I'm still feeling down. I knew right after service that it was going to be a hard rest of the night which is why I'm going to sleep after I right this. It's probably just the devil trying to tear me down from my spiritual high which can easily be ignored because he is powerless. But other than my current state of sadness, I'd like to thank God tenfold for how he has revealed himself to me this past week. I pray that amazing things will happen for the rest of the week especially on tuesday. That is going to be the culmination of a lot of preparation to pour out God's love on this campus. So if you read this, just know that Tuesday, November 7th from Noon-1 on the Commons will be a concert/free food and it's going to be amazing. God will show up! Other than that I've been coming to a lot of realizations about different things that have been kind of disappointing to me, I feel bad for all my friends who don't know Christ on the level I know him because I know if they did, they'd realize any worldly thing in their life is meaningless. I'm so powerless when it comes to helping out my friends, and I know only through God and accepting that Jesus Christ died for their sins will they be saved. But amongst all that, other things still bother me that I'm not even going to mention because they don't matter to anyone else but me. I don't understand why people consume themselved with so much garbage that is so unfulfilling, why do people do drugs and get drunk when all it does is provide a temporary escape from problems and leads people to do stupid things because ultimately people are stupid. I'll admit I'm not smart, I've made my mistakes, but people insist on thinking different type of sinful behavior is cool: who can drink the most, who can get the best high, who can sleep with the most girls/guys, like honestly why are those things priorities for people. All those things lead to negative outcomes, for example getting hungover, throwing up, overdosing, dying, spreading STD's, getting someone pregnant, honestly why ruin your life, and people don't realize that God will not ruin your life, how many negative things come from believing in Christ. Don't get me wrong, I'm saying your life is going to be a pack of roses just by giving yourself over to Him, but his love will never stop so you choose to realize its there, it doesn't stop if you ignore it. The fact of the matter is that it is what is missing from those who search in the wrong places for what they think they need in their lives. All that the world has to offer shall pass away. "So I challenge all the skeptics and scoffers, just come and see what God has to offer!" Other than that I have nothing else to say, but I will share a poem I wrote on Tuesday.

Why you Walk

Show me the ground you walk on
and after you show me, tell me why you walk
Why don't you crawl?
It's okay to walk
but it's not okay to be ignorant towards
the one who allows you to walk
But rest assure that when the day comes
and you realize why you are walking
and what your purpose is
you won't find it necessary to walk
Walking will be child's play
because you will begin to run
And as you run
you will not grow tired
You will not suffer from exhaustion
You will not suffer from dehydration
Because you will be filled with the Holy spirit
But when you run, you will collapse
You will not collapse because you are weak
You will collapse because God's glory
will pour down on you
not only will you feel it
But you will see it
See it moving through miracles
moving in prayer
you will see the earth shake
and be transformed
You will see heart's break
and be reformed
God will purify
souls that have been torn
People will die
and then be reborn
All because humans will recognize
they are only human
and they will realize that
by calling upon God's name
lives will change
And as lives change
They will begin to walk,
then run, then collapse
They'll want all of God they can grasp
And when they rise back to their feet
they will walk again
But when they are asked
to show the ground that they walk on
they will point to a ground glittered in gold
because ground will no longer be common
it will become holy ground
and when they walk on this holy ground
they will proclaim why they walk
People will cry out "We walk in Faith!"
So now I plead with you
Show me why you walk