All I have to Say

I never did get a chance to write about my Spring Break and all that God did in New Orleans, which is a shame because a week after there is no way I'm going to remember everything that happened. I'm sure if I devoted the next 2 hours to thinking about it God would remind me everything that happened of every important moment. But I don't know if He wants me to do that. Commonly I don't know what He wants me to do. And as soon as I think I do something He wants me to do it I doubt it. So going into the trip, I didn't know if I'd be going because we didn't have proper space to take 8 people down. We found out about 30 hours before we were leaving that we had a van that would fit everyone on the trip. God came through, because I had no idea what I was going to do, I just left it in His hands after spending a lot of time in prayer about it. We left at 4:00 am Saturday. It was a really long drive and we stopped every 2 hours. Along the way we got to meet a lot of people and pray for many. I met one guy Carlos who God made my heart yearn for. He was sitting by a pay phone outside of KFC for about an hour. When we got to the church we were staying at we met the Pastor of the church and Joel who was running the Hands to Go operation. That night we were just concentrated on getting rest and talking. That night the 4 guys me, Aaron, Ernest, and Derek just spent the night talking about various things. It was a good night to grow closer to each other and to God. Sunday morning service was pretty awesome too. Judging by the oustide of the church, we thought we were dealing with a Methodist church so I had my doubts, but service was amazing and God had showed up powerfully. There was a lot of freedom in the church, and I also remember the word given by a woman pastor was pretty good. We had lunch after service where we got to meet people in the community, I ate with the little kids, I remember one little boy named Kyle made me laugh a lot. He had tons of energy. We played with the kids after lunch. I'm surprised they didn't throw up there food from the way we were tossing the kids around. After playing with the kids we had orientation with a group of 42 people from Minnesota. For the rest of the day we went to the French Quarter with the intent to pray for people and talk to people. We prayed for one guy who was named Louis armstrong Junior and then watched a Jamaican team perform for about an hour and a half. Then we prayed for some others and returned home to eat. That night some interesting things happened that I didn't understand and the next morning, We started work. We got to gut a house which was fun and easy. During lunch I talked to some high school kids, and later prayed for them. After finishing the house, we got to walk around the community and pray for people. Me and Aaron went out together and just about everyone we talked to was open for prayer, it was awesome. That night we ate dinner as a large group and we got to meet some new people. We went home and I spent a lot of alone time with God. It was pretty neat. Tuesday was another day of work, at lunch we went door to door again and we prayed for one family of Christian women, and they shared the testimony how us coming to there house was completely from God, and it was nothing less than that. That night we went back to the French Quarter to pray for people. Our group again only prayed for one homeless guy and another one who came along. That night we also got to talk to a guy who everyone had separately seen at one point in the night. God was seeking him out and wanted us to talk to this guy. When we left the French Quarter we made it back to share testimonies with the group from Minnesota. That was a cool experience, but the excitement got the best of our group, and discernment wasn't really used, but this proved to be an important lesson for everyone involved. The next day God led me to go with the group from Minnesota and everyone else in our Virginia group went to the other house. I'm glad God led me there because I had good conversations our friends from Minnesota. That night after a couple of conversations, things came to the surface for both groups and God was working only how he can. Our group got to discuss matters for several hours. When we returned we hung out briefly with the other group from Virginia. Thursday our group of 8 worked separately and God used us extraordinarily. We spent the first 2 and half hours walking around handing out pamphlets and praying for people. One man named Leon accepted Christ! Rejoice with me! Then we ate lunch on a seashell beach and shared testimonies and then got to work on a shed, which took an hour. After the work was done, we were able to pray with the house owner and it was amazing. This was by far the best day thus far on the trip, but no one could have expected what God had planned for that night. Service was amazing, from worship to the message, to the alter call. During the end I was in the very back of the church on my face asking God, to show up like never before, and it's safe to say that something completely new happened for me as well as most people there. A lady in the church began to scream and then fell to the floor shouting "Get it off me!" Maybe on her second scream I got up off my face and ran towards the front of the church and began interceding in a completely new type of tongue that I never heard out of my mouth. This lady clearly was being attacked, I look over at the rest of the people in the church and the building starts to clear out. I could feel God's presence more powerful than I almost ever have, and the environment was absolutely crazy, but awesome. God worked like only He can. After the incident I felt like I wanted to talk to some people, so thats what I did, The rest of what God did that night I don't feel like I can express in written word, it can only be explained by word of mouth or by being there so I won't even try. The next day was absolutely beautiful because God had unified the everyone. Everyone was able to work together and love was expressed in full. I don't think a single person was the least upset all day. We worked together out of love, and God was all over it. It was a relaxing day for people to enjoy fellowship and work together. I knew it was our last day, but I don't think anyone was ready to leave. Everyone's heart was too touched by God, no one wanted His work to stop. When the day had ended, no one wanted to say goodbye so we planned to meet back at the church for another night of fellowship and to say good-bye. So that's what we did. God blessed the conversations, I remember at first I was sad and stubborn and didn't feel like saying good-bye so I reflected with God, and then the night just got better and better. God led us to have prayer outside, so many of us circled up, and I remmember when I was amongst that circle I felt a new peace, a peace and a unity like never before, like I was close to Heaven. So anyone who wanted prayer could stay outside if they so desired, and worship music was playing in the middle. Many people were prayed for including myself, and I thought about it, and was like "if God is this good, when we are one earth with all this darkness around us, and we are able to feel this much love even with all the stuff we struggle with that comes along with being human, then how amazing is eternity going to be when we won't need to pray for deliverance or for healing. Only God could orchestrate something so perfect where a Heaven would change people from being so imperfect to being perfect and reigning with God. After prayer we all sang a worship song together and enjoyed God and no one wanted it to end, but it was time to go. So the night ended we went back got some sleep and got ready for the car ride home. On the way home we stopped and got to pray at a gas station with a whole bunch of people going to do work on their Spring Break when ours was just ending. We got home on Sunday which leads me to this week, which was a whole lot rougher on me. Now after all that I'm getting to the real point of me writing, which is the part of God I don't understand. How is it that whenever I have little expectation of what God is going to do, He does so much more than ever, yet when expectations are high amongst many, God seems to barely show up at all, at least by my human sight. I'm super frustrated because I feel I have little to no discerning ability of what God is doing, even while he is doing it, I get the impression that I am just being led blindly. I know I'm walking by faith when I have no plan so that's good. But it seems the more I cry out for something the more on my heart it becomes the further it gets pushed back on God's priority list. The more I pray for God to give me understanding and wisdom on matters the more confused I become. I never want to think about things that are going on, I just pray God will show me. I want to have confidence when saying that's not of God or that is of God. Because so often I feel like I'm being led by man when following when they say they are being led by God, but at the same time I get the impression that if I did what I think God wants me to do, everyone else gets the same impression. But thats the thing I don't care what others think because even when I have a passionate God idea even people who are walking closesly with God will shut it down. Why? Because everyone wants to hear from God, everyone wants to be Jesus's favorite one. So many people are so darn desperate for Him that the line between walking by faith and sight has become so blurred. The amount of confusion that runs through my mind as well as others seems unending. Everyone cries out for the same thing, Revival! Revival! Revival! and it can only be done with God, but God who are you and what are you doing? For once answer me that question, please! I plead with you! Let me know what you are doing! Give me enough faith where I don't have to question it. I had this dream while in the prayer room, I don't know if it's of God, I don't know if God is trying to show me something through it, but it's one of the few dreams I actually remember that seems like it could mean something. I was a homeless battered man in a city that was desolate. All I had was a bookbag filled with money, and something beeping in it, it could have been a bomb, it could have just been something of value that I didn't understand I just knew I needed it, but I didn't need it for me I needed it for someone or something else, but it would help me in some way. I remember I had lost my bookbag and I was standing on a corner worried because I had lost it and knew I had to find it, But another homeless man found it and was asking around if someone lost a bookbag and I ran to him and said that I did. I remember him either telling me or me just discerning that he either had a hearing problem or needed to buy a hearing aid, so I gave him some of the money in the bookbag, and he didn't necessarily want it, but I wanted to bless him with it, after I had given him the money I started being pursued by many homeless people in need of money, and they began to attack me, they would beat me up and punch and kick me, and I know they wanted the money, but I would have given it to them if they asked because I didn't need the money. So as they were beating me up I just was taking money out of my bookbag and throwing it at them saying take it and leave me be, just take it, so that group left with there money and another group came up in a beat up car, and I remember either dumping all the money on the ground or just throwing it all at whoever came near me, and made it clear that I had none left, all I had was my bookbag and whatever was beeping in it. No one else knew about the beeping thing because all they wanted was the money. Then I walked down the street I was on back towards the guy I had given money for the hearing aid, he was asleep on the steps of this abandoned building, and out of nowhere walked the cleanest of the people who were homless and before he got to me I told him I had no money left. He told me he didn't want my money and that he was an important figure, like the president, or something and he pushed a button on a remote of some sort and said "Open" and the desolate building that the guy I gave money to for the hearing aid was sleeping by opened up and it was this giant room filled with technology like I had never seen, it just looked like it was above and beyond my understanding and I remember thinking maybe whatever was in my bookbag was suppose to go in there but I didnt think about for too long because I was amazed. As me, the hearing aid guy, and the guy that opened the building walked into it we all became clean, like renewed, we went from looking like dirty homeless beat up people, to clean business men or something like that. Then I woke up. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but God have I not given up everything? All I want is for everyday to be absolutely amazed by you! I'm tired of these just individual days where You do something amazing, and I'm tired of when amazing things happen I can often overlook them. God I want you at any cost, I don't even know how to make that clear, and often I question myself because I don't know what that looks like. I don't think anyone knows what that looks like. But we can guess and do our best. God don't make it a guessing game. Be more real with us, not just me everyone! Don't be so myterious with us. We know You exist, we can't deny Your power, we openly declare your power and how great you are. I mean often I'll admit I've hidden out from You, but don't You do the same thing. Don't you hide Your face from us? God You can show Your face to us at any point of the day, and we would drop all we had and run with You, but You've never even given me the oppurtunity, everything has just been inklings, where I've been inclined to do something because I take a leap of faith. God I'm more than frustrated with You, because I know you exist, but You should be a whole lot closer than You are. I can't be frustrated with something that isn't real, so here's my confession, if I don't receive more of you, if you don't let me in on more of Your face, eventually I'm going to stop seeking. I know myself, not nearly as well as you know me, if I know something than I can't know something without You knowing it, and I'm saying I know that if You don't give me new revelation, if you don't start hearing my prayers and allowing me to see you work, than I know that I will stop seeking, Lord my heart will never fully allow itself to doubt You. Which is why I am still alive, because if my heart was able to do that I would have ended my life. all this I know, Jesus loves me this I know, but God you never called us to be satisfied and content with our relationships with you, which is why I'm not, I never will be, but You can easily amaze me, so I'm just saying do it, You might as well do it. There is no reason not too, I'm drawing near to you so you draw near to me, it's a promise you made, you made more promises than I ever have so fulfill it please! And as of right now I have total faith that in Your perfect time You will, and knowing how you usually work with me, this isn't a pre-conceived idea, it's just what you have done as of late, is that it will be at the last possible moment, so Lord surprise me once again and make it sooner than later and don't make me wait for it. Thank you Lord for doing it in advance, Amen!