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"Think of the word of God this way, it does not matter who presents it the best, nor does it matter whether it's you or someone else doing it so long as it is done. God will give us all our oppurtunities so long as we have the desire to be used, and it will take a little bit of patience, but remain faithful. Faithfulness is what God has been speaking to me from others Words and something he's been putting on my heart." 11/17/06
I wrote that just over 2 years ago, and it's amazing that I'm in just about the exact same place now as I was then, caught in this place where I desire to be used, requiring patience and remaining faithful, the only difference is now I may have a bit more knowledge, maybe maturity, and a lot more realization of the depth of my sin. I can look back at some of my old entries and see by what I've written that I was sinful in my tongue, but there is something I also realized in that, I was more honest with myself back then too, I was more open and exposing myself to myself and to God. Now it's not that I try and cover up myself, its just I don't say what I think as often and when I do say what I think, I end up thinking I'm a gossiper slanderer or am stirring up trouble. I realize how much I need to guide my words, but I realize also I need to use words to proclaim the hope and gloriousness of our gospel of Jesus Christ and what He has done. So what's holding me back? Good question, something I've been trying to answer for a while, not me but trying to let the Holy Spirit answer. I've been really really lonely lately, for various reasons, but I blame only myself because I don't want to point the finger anymore, I have no desire to do that again. I can just point in the mirror and say "what's wrong jimmy?" Why are you the way you are, why does your heart seem so cold sometimes? Why do you seem to struggle with so much with wanting to let people in so close but being so afraid? Man that sounds so lame, so self-deprivating. I know my personality and I know I am willing constantly to share anything with anyone who wants to hear it and that's part of the problem if someone doesn't want to hear it I'm less inclined to share how I feel. I do not nor have ever desired face value relationships, they mean little to nothing to me and I can very easily be not committed to those people which I would say is a problem, but not really, Jesus only had the twelve that he was especially close to and even closer were James John and Peter, so I understand that human dilemma of not being able to keep so many people close to you in the flesh. However, I can't stand this occurrence in the body of Christ where we come together and pray in our corners on microphones and sing songs, but never feel really committted with our hearts to the people around us. I've heard people complain about people being to clicky in the church, and I'm not sure entirely what that means, but most times I feel like the church isn't close enough. I need to know peoples weaknesses so I can encourage them in the areas of the lives they need the most help, but when I hear people boasting of their works in the Lord and constantly asking so much of others or commanding and calling others to do do do, I lose sight of why I am doing this thing in the first place. It's so easy for me to cultivate this closet life of being Jesus on the mountain alone with His Father, but I want to be more than a closet Christian. My prayer closet awesome, but I don't want to bring my closet to church, bring my closet to my classroom, I want to be in this world and not of it, not in my closet and never out of it. I'll admit the closet is very comfortable for me I can pray for people I never have to deal with rejection, never have to deal with the cold hand of a brother or sister, a unnecessary word or rebuke, and I can sit and let the Lord convict me which I should be doing anyway. Oh how many times I've just wanted to run away form all of it, but I know I'm holding fast to the promise because I never been so faithful in my whole life to anything. I'm not saying that pridefully Jimmy, I'm saying that because the last time I set my heart to something for two and 1/2 years never existed. The second longest was my commitment to the womb. I've walked away from church enough times, to know the Lord has done something different in me because I now know that I know that I have nowhere I else to go, before I just knew that I could not kill myself, now I know that not only can I not kill myself, though I do have to die to myself, but I must live unto Christ which is the most narrow thing in the world to do. Jesus said it and He managed to make a way that I could fit through. No longer is my motive to make myself cry by what I write or to be moved emotionally when I read this a year from now. I just want to be honest with myself hear and now. I need the Lord, I need to give him my whole heart tonight, my whole heart when I wake up tomorrow morning, during class, I need Jesus to consume me, when I listen to people talk to me about what He's doing I need to stop being so critical, I literally will look at people sometimes and like "stop being fake, stop making this more emotional than it needs to be" Help me to stop being critical, discernment is one thing but critical is dangerous. I go home in two days, it's a familiar feeling going home, it gets better, but I wonder where am I going, not home, but where am I going, where am I gonna be in 2 years, but really even more pertinent, where will I be in two months, or where will I be in two weeks, or where will I be in two days?
So two years here's my prayer request for then 1) Lord I pray the calling on my life would be sure to me, that I would allow to lead guide and direct my steps and I would seek first the kingdom always, and I would walk in Your will with joy and be happy in the place you've brought me and know the direction of my life, for me to be at peace and for people in my family to be saved and for me to be bold like you want me to be to know what to do and confidently hear from you.
Now 2 months 2) Lord I know you've been speaking to me about faithfulness and I've bene praying and asking why my relationships with people my church and the ministry I've been in have been so inconvenient for me, I pray for clear direction about your will for me in church, whether you are asking me to committ fully to what is going on there in the form of taking on responsibility for evangelism with the youth and to really be planted and partner with them, or if you are leading me somewhere else. God I don't know why I have to feel so disheartened whenever I go to church, why I feel the need to speak up and even say things I shouldn't say or talk about, about the church, but I pray that whatever you are saying to the end times church for Church of the living waters they would hear and it would be confirmed not just by me. God I need help and direction for real, help me in my relationships with people who I have been growing further away from and show me why, show me where I need to repent and reconcile or where I just need to let go and leave it in your hands, I don't want to worry anymore about "where things went wrong" or where I just missed what has happened. Let me trust what your doing in individuals and help me feel close to some people and not so lonely, teach me your ways change my heart! I pray for the ministry of Chi Alpha and my place on this campus as well, help me submit to leadership, but be confident in what I'm hearing from you and confirming, show me more vision about that dream with me Derek and Victor and the baby that was handed off. For the revival your bringing let me stand in my place and not worry about where anyone else stands. Allow me to walk this thing out again I need help, remind me to pray for the ministry, help me stay faithful, place someone in my life that can give me wise council who is older than me who I can relate to.
2 weeks from now, God help me finish off this semester strong with my schoolwork and in my passion for you and for what your doing here, may I listen to your will and witness to friends and family at home, let me find rest and get work done and enjoy my time with my family and friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. May I abide in you and listen attentitively and hear form you in this time, cultivate the word you want to speak through me.
2 days, I pray for good performance on my test tomorrow, for wisdom and for guidance the next two days, to share Your promises with someone, to love my brothers and sisters, to be at rest safe travels, renewed mind, and for Your glory to shine through me and for me to seek you out
The Change Is Taking Place
Change my heart
To know your love
Renew my mind
On things above
Make my thoughts
Pure and clean
Fix my eyes
On things unseen
Jesus, you laid, your life, down for me
Jesus, you washed me, of my, iniquity
You nailed my sins to the cross
We will follow you will count the cost
You don’t want my sacrifice but my mercy
I will lay down my life, I know you’ll never hurt me
Bruised for my transgressions
By your stripes I’m healed
Make it my confession
That your truths revealed
The only place I want to be is in Your arms tonight
The only time I want to see is when I’m looking, looking in Your eyes
Yeah, Your eyes they burn for me
Yes, they burn jealously
I wrote that just over 2 years ago, and it's amazing that I'm in just about the exact same place now as I was then, caught in this place where I desire to be used, requiring patience and remaining faithful, the only difference is now I may have a bit more knowledge, maybe maturity, and a lot more realization of the depth of my sin. I can look back at some of my old entries and see by what I've written that I was sinful in my tongue, but there is something I also realized in that, I was more honest with myself back then too, I was more open and exposing myself to myself and to God. Now it's not that I try and cover up myself, its just I don't say what I think as often and when I do say what I think, I end up thinking I'm a gossiper slanderer or am stirring up trouble. I realize how much I need to guide my words, but I realize also I need to use words to proclaim the hope and gloriousness of our gospel of Jesus Christ and what He has done. So what's holding me back? Good question, something I've been trying to answer for a while, not me but trying to let the Holy Spirit answer. I've been really really lonely lately, for various reasons, but I blame only myself because I don't want to point the finger anymore, I have no desire to do that again. I can just point in the mirror and say "what's wrong jimmy?" Why are you the way you are, why does your heart seem so cold sometimes? Why do you seem to struggle with so much with wanting to let people in so close but being so afraid? Man that sounds so lame, so self-deprivating. I know my personality and I know I am willing constantly to share anything with anyone who wants to hear it and that's part of the problem if someone doesn't want to hear it I'm less inclined to share how I feel. I do not nor have ever desired face value relationships, they mean little to nothing to me and I can very easily be not committed to those people which I would say is a problem, but not really, Jesus only had the twelve that he was especially close to and even closer were James John and Peter, so I understand that human dilemma of not being able to keep so many people close to you in the flesh. However, I can't stand this occurrence in the body of Christ where we come together and pray in our corners on microphones and sing songs, but never feel really committted with our hearts to the people around us. I've heard people complain about people being to clicky in the church, and I'm not sure entirely what that means, but most times I feel like the church isn't close enough. I need to know peoples weaknesses so I can encourage them in the areas of the lives they need the most help, but when I hear people boasting of their works in the Lord and constantly asking so much of others or commanding and calling others to do do do, I lose sight of why I am doing this thing in the first place. It's so easy for me to cultivate this closet life of being Jesus on the mountain alone with His Father, but I want to be more than a closet Christian. My prayer closet awesome, but I don't want to bring my closet to church, bring my closet to my classroom, I want to be in this world and not of it, not in my closet and never out of it. I'll admit the closet is very comfortable for me I can pray for people I never have to deal with rejection, never have to deal with the cold hand of a brother or sister, a unnecessary word or rebuke, and I can sit and let the Lord convict me which I should be doing anyway. Oh how many times I've just wanted to run away form all of it, but I know I'm holding fast to the promise because I never been so faithful in my whole life to anything. I'm not saying that pridefully Jimmy, I'm saying that because the last time I set my heart to something for two and 1/2 years never existed. The second longest was my commitment to the womb. I've walked away from church enough times, to know the Lord has done something different in me because I now know that I know that I have nowhere I else to go, before I just knew that I could not kill myself, now I know that not only can I not kill myself, though I do have to die to myself, but I must live unto Christ which is the most narrow thing in the world to do. Jesus said it and He managed to make a way that I could fit through. No longer is my motive to make myself cry by what I write or to be moved emotionally when I read this a year from now. I just want to be honest with myself hear and now. I need the Lord, I need to give him my whole heart tonight, my whole heart when I wake up tomorrow morning, during class, I need Jesus to consume me, when I listen to people talk to me about what He's doing I need to stop being so critical, I literally will look at people sometimes and like "stop being fake, stop making this more emotional than it needs to be" Help me to stop being critical, discernment is one thing but critical is dangerous. I go home in two days, it's a familiar feeling going home, it gets better, but I wonder where am I going, not home, but where am I going, where am I gonna be in 2 years, but really even more pertinent, where will I be in two months, or where will I be in two weeks, or where will I be in two days?
So two years here's my prayer request for then 1) Lord I pray the calling on my life would be sure to me, that I would allow to lead guide and direct my steps and I would seek first the kingdom always, and I would walk in Your will with joy and be happy in the place you've brought me and know the direction of my life, for me to be at peace and for people in my family to be saved and for me to be bold like you want me to be to know what to do and confidently hear from you.
Now 2 months 2) Lord I know you've been speaking to me about faithfulness and I've bene praying and asking why my relationships with people my church and the ministry I've been in have been so inconvenient for me, I pray for clear direction about your will for me in church, whether you are asking me to committ fully to what is going on there in the form of taking on responsibility for evangelism with the youth and to really be planted and partner with them, or if you are leading me somewhere else. God I don't know why I have to feel so disheartened whenever I go to church, why I feel the need to speak up and even say things I shouldn't say or talk about, about the church, but I pray that whatever you are saying to the end times church for Church of the living waters they would hear and it would be confirmed not just by me. God I need help and direction for real, help me in my relationships with people who I have been growing further away from and show me why, show me where I need to repent and reconcile or where I just need to let go and leave it in your hands, I don't want to worry anymore about "where things went wrong" or where I just missed what has happened. Let me trust what your doing in individuals and help me feel close to some people and not so lonely, teach me your ways change my heart! I pray for the ministry of Chi Alpha and my place on this campus as well, help me submit to leadership, but be confident in what I'm hearing from you and confirming, show me more vision about that dream with me Derek and Victor and the baby that was handed off. For the revival your bringing let me stand in my place and not worry about where anyone else stands. Allow me to walk this thing out again I need help, remind me to pray for the ministry, help me stay faithful, place someone in my life that can give me wise council who is older than me who I can relate to.
2 weeks from now, God help me finish off this semester strong with my schoolwork and in my passion for you and for what your doing here, may I listen to your will and witness to friends and family at home, let me find rest and get work done and enjoy my time with my family and friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. May I abide in you and listen attentitively and hear form you in this time, cultivate the word you want to speak through me.
2 days, I pray for good performance on my test tomorrow, for wisdom and for guidance the next two days, to share Your promises with someone, to love my brothers and sisters, to be at rest safe travels, renewed mind, and for Your glory to shine through me and for me to seek you out
The Change Is Taking Place
Change my heart
To know your love
Renew my mind
On things above
Make my thoughts
Pure and clean
Fix my eyes
On things unseen
Jesus, you laid, your life, down for me
Jesus, you washed me, of my, iniquity
You nailed my sins to the cross
We will follow you will count the cost
You don’t want my sacrifice but my mercy
I will lay down my life, I know you’ll never hurt me
Bruised for my transgressions
By your stripes I’m healed
Make it my confession
That your truths revealed
The only place I want to be is in Your arms tonight
The only time I want to see is when I’m looking, looking in Your eyes
Yeah, Your eyes they burn for me
Yes, they burn jealously
posted by Jimmy at 8:37 PM
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