Spew all of us from your mouth

All I'm going to do is complain in this entry, so anyone who reads it doesn't have to read long before they may get frustrated or think I'm whining. And I'm not going to complain about how much I hate my classes even though I do nor am I going to complain that I don't like my major even though I don't and I'm not going to complain about not having any direction about my future other than the next 4 months. But what I am going to complain about is how little God's glory presence or whatever is on this campus in my heart, etc. etc. I've come to this sad daunting conclusion that college Christianity on JMU and from the little I've seen elsewhere but is probably the case all around the US has boiled down to being a Christian in college means, going to the ministry that you feel is your best fit, very seldomnly pray, very seldomnly do anything that can effect the unbelieiving part of the campus positively, raise some money for other Christian organizations, raise up leaders that teach the word of God rather than live it, and students with a mindset of, I'll be a compromising Christian who is in college to pursue my own will for my own future ambitions whether it means serving a full time ministry that that person may or may not have been called to, while looking a for a potential mate that is willing to compromise with me, but not enough to not be able to say one is not a Christian, than get to ones senior year, if they are lucky they may still be involved in the ministry they first started with, if they are lucky maybe they will still have a poor relationship with the Lord, if they are lucky has survived falling away, just to graduate maybe marry the person they met in college, and struggle through that while having a job without ever really gaining a burning passion in their heart to get to know God and live wholeheartedly abandoned for Him. That philosophy is nowhere near what Jesus called his disciples too. Nope not even close actually. Some believe that the disciples were around 18-22 which would make sense since the sons of Zebedee, James and John were fishing with their father when He called them, which also would make sense considering Jesus started his ministry around 30 and probably would not surround himself with people older than himself. The point that they were probably around college age is just to say is that was when these disciples were most willing to give up everything to follow Him. That was when they were most willing to devote their whole heart to pursue something. An example can be stated why in college people will so passionately party many nights of the week because they begin to do things at extremes. While Christians may be passionately seeking their (mate in Christ) or the moment in their life where they can begin to do things the world is doing and it not be considered sinful (i.e. drinking, smoking, chewing tobacco gambling) whatever who cares stuff that doesn't come close to satisfying, while they could be doing the thing that is needed so Jesus said to Mary at his feet Luke 10:42 "But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her." the presence of God. Which comes full circle back to what I am complaining about. Okay, okay God is omnipresent, but Martha was in the other room so yeah Jesus was present with her, but Mary sat before Him chilled with Him enjoyed Jesus' company, and it wasn't boring. Why is it when I sit before the Lord hours a day, I am bored waiting for Him to come. God why is your presence so far away, How many times do I have to die before you hear my cry? How many times do I have to live, when the longer I live the more I ask you to forgive? This is not to say that anyone has the right to say well God's presence isn't there because your sin has driven him away, no wrong, Mary's sin didn't drive Jesus away when she poured perfume on Jesus' feet and washed his feet with her tears and hair, my point is to be overcome in the presence of the Lord is a reality that people around here are not experiencing, that I don't know how to posture my heart, I've tried every way, I've done anything, I've been silent, repented, waited, cried, screamed, asked gently, sought day after day after day after day after day after day, interceded all to fall short and fall short and to claw bite kick scratch gotten depressed all to sit and do nothing and wait and quietly pray with patience and tricked myself into being joyful and helpful all for nothing. Asking me to enjoy his presence without recognizing or feeling his presence there is retarded its using a good imagination. I'm not saying I'm going by a feeling, but to feel the love experience it be enthralled in it instaed of being told about it and praying unceasingly for it and being told about it and all the things i need to do is (harsher than any explitive used as an adjective can be inserted here) ridicuouls. We have gotten this so wrong, we are not even close, our theology is too screwed up and you can repent for it again and again, for not being passionate enough, for not spending enough time, for sinning, repent and repent and repent until I repent for things I don't even do until I repent for things I did 8 years ago for the 1,000th time, repent for other peoples sins, repent for the sins of people who don't even follow Jesus, pray for abortion to end which would mean that a sin would no longer exist, these things are ridiculous, they are not biblical, God says he will heal our land and send revival but abortion cannot end aside from healing of land and revival, it's not biblical, people who don't believe in God don't just stop sinning, yeah it may become illegal but it won't stop. why haven't we cried out for murder to end, because its not going to, martyrdom will only increase, As the spirit comes sin will only increase the battle will only become more harsh more severe, we have been wasting our time. But I don't know what other way to waste my time, becuase God's not speaking to any of the other prophets. The glory is seemingly non existent. People fasted and prayed for 3 days because people turned their hearts to the father and that was all it took to heal the land. 8 years has not done it another 8 years won't do it. Only in God's time can it be done. I don't get it, I just don't I have no righteousness of myself, I have no understanding. God do something, do something, do something, if you don't do something it's your fault for not hearing. There are plenty of people crying out for this, plenty, more than enough you can at least be faithful to answer their praye rs, what are you waiting for? Why don't I have love for brothers and sisters? and if I do why don't I want to be around them, why do I want to be forever alone, that question isn't rhetorical and I already know the answer, because nothing is different, nothing is different their is no change, sure some people's lives are uncompromised but there is no fruit, it is not the fruit the harvest that the word talks about, I'm going to be so upset if I spend the next 2 and half years waiting for a revival that doesn't happen. I could have stopped beating myself up, I could have never fasted, never prayed for it, never told other people about it, never got excited and let down about it amongst many other things, not listened to other people, not listened to the prophets, but I did and am doing and I haven't held back and I'm sure I can't fully say that but in comparison I haven't not in comparison to other people, but in comparison to YOUR WORD not mine! Do something anything, really anything at all that you can get glory at least in my heart for that would come easy, that would just put me in awe and say GOD YOU DESERVE ALL THE GLORY FOR THAT! it doesn't even have to be big that just has to be the response of my heart, I don't care if you revive an ant, I don't care if you highlight a word in Scripture if the response of my heart can be awestruck I will be happy. If I can truly tremble at Your Word instead of being discouraged by it I'll be happy. Whatever I'm not picky