My Clowning Achievement

2009-04-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

By the time all of this is over who knows what kind of condition I will be in? Who knows what kind of condition anyone will be in? It's really easy to look at the past 2 and a half years and say well so and so lost a heart of prayer or never really had one and to compare people to people. It's really easy to do that because the world does it every day. We evaluate people by their last performance in the world. The world sees a band live and if tehy perform badly they no longer like that band or criticize them. A professiobnal athlete has a bad season and nobody wants to pay them as much.. Similarly one good season can get someone paid millions of dollars more.That's how the world works. It's really tempting to evaluate the church like that too. It's really tempting to look at people and how much they pray and how much they do in a season and see what they do in the next season and then rate their relationship with the Lord and people do it alot, one could argue they do it even more in the church, but I don't want to make that argument because arguments don't interest me anymore. Not only do arguments not interest me anymore, but outward appearance doesn't interest me very much either. Though I am swayed by it and persuaded by it constantly I can't judge based on it b/c its deceiving. So one might ask me, well Jim what are you interested in? And I know the biblocal answer, I can feed someone some line that will make me appear really holy and awesome, I'm interested in seeing the kingdom established and seeing love spread all over the place and for hearts to turn to Jesus and I believe that if I did feed someone that answer it would be 100% honest, but there is a catch. I can't establish a kingdom, I can't spread love all over the place and I can't turn hearts to Jesus. My interests are absolutely unattainable in myself, I cannot make a single thing happen and that reality isn't very encouraging. It doesn't bring much joy and we are reminded of it daily. I'm reminded daily that not only can I not make things happen, but I'm reminded of my performance that other peoples performance ends up testifying against me. It taunts me. Why? Why can't this thing break off me and others? I have seena dn run with so many people who stop running at the same pace because they are tired of being compared and evaluated adn trying to meet someone elses standard and we lose sight of what You oh Lord are calling us to. And I'm tired of being in the middle of it and I'm tired of seeing it happen to people I love. God i ask for forgiveness on this comparison of sacrifices, I'm sorry this is still happening in Your church. I'm sorry that we care more about our position in the kingdom than the posture of our heart. Help us be servants of all! That's what it takes and may we learn that!

Back to Blogging

2008-11-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

"Think of the word of God this way, it does not matter who presents it the best, nor does it matter whether it's you or someone else doing it so long as it is done. God will give us all our oppurtunities so long as we have the desire to be used, and it will take a little bit of patience, but remain faithful. Faithfulness is what God has been speaking to me from others Words and something he's been putting on my heart." 11/17/06

I wrote that just over 2 years ago, and it's amazing that I'm in just about the exact same place now as I was then, caught in this place where I desire to be used, requiring patience and remaining faithful, the only difference is now I may have a bit more knowledge, maybe maturity, and a lot more realization of the depth of my sin. I can look back at some of my old entries and see by what I've written that I was sinful in my tongue, but there is something I also realized in that, I was more honest with myself back then too, I was more open and exposing myself to myself and to God. Now it's not that I try and cover up myself, its just I don't say what I think as often and when I do say what I think, I end up thinking I'm a gossiper slanderer or am stirring up trouble. I realize how much I need to guide my words, but I realize also I need to use words to proclaim the hope and gloriousness of our gospel of Jesus Christ and what He has done. So what's holding me back? Good question, something I've been trying to answer for a while, not me but trying to let the Holy Spirit answer. I've been really really lonely lately, for various reasons, but I blame only myself because I don't want to point the finger anymore, I have no desire to do that again. I can just point in the mirror and say "what's wrong jimmy?" Why are you the way you are, why does your heart seem so cold sometimes? Why do you seem to struggle with so much with wanting to let people in so close but being so afraid? Man that sounds so lame, so self-deprivating. I know my personality and I know I am willing constantly to share anything with anyone who wants to hear it and that's part of the problem if someone doesn't want to hear it I'm less inclined to share how I feel. I do not nor have ever desired face value relationships, they mean little to nothing to me and I can very easily be not committed to those people which I would say is a problem, but not really, Jesus only had the twelve that he was especially close to and even closer were James John and Peter, so I understand that human dilemma of not being able to keep so many people close to you in the flesh. However, I can't stand this occurrence in the body of Christ where we come together and pray in our corners on microphones and sing songs, but never feel really committted with our hearts to the people around us. I've heard people complain about people being to clicky in the church, and I'm not sure entirely what that means, but most times I feel like the church isn't close enough. I need to know peoples weaknesses so I can encourage them in the areas of the lives they need the most help, but when I hear people boasting of their works in the Lord and constantly asking so much of others or commanding and calling others to do do do, I lose sight of why I am doing this thing in the first place. It's so easy for me to cultivate this closet life of being Jesus on the mountain alone with His Father, but I want to be more than a closet Christian. My prayer closet awesome, but I don't want to bring my closet to church, bring my closet to my classroom, I want to be in this world and not of it, not in my closet and never out of it. I'll admit the closet is very comfortable for me I can pray for people I never have to deal with rejection, never have to deal with the cold hand of a brother or sister, a unnecessary word or rebuke, and I can sit and let the Lord convict me which I should be doing anyway. Oh how many times I've just wanted to run away form all of it, but I know I'm holding fast to the promise because I never been so faithful in my whole life to anything. I'm not saying that pridefully Jimmy, I'm saying that because the last time I set my heart to something for two and 1/2 years never existed. The second longest was my commitment to the womb. I've walked away from church enough times, to know the Lord has done something different in me because I now know that I know that I have nowhere I else to go, before I just knew that I could not kill myself, now I know that not only can I not kill myself, though I do have to die to myself, but I must live unto Christ which is the most narrow thing in the world to do. Jesus said it and He managed to make a way that I could fit through. No longer is my motive to make myself cry by what I write or to be moved emotionally when I read this a year from now. I just want to be honest with myself hear and now. I need the Lord, I need to give him my whole heart tonight, my whole heart when I wake up tomorrow morning, during class, I need Jesus to consume me, when I listen to people talk to me about what He's doing I need to stop being so critical, I literally will look at people sometimes and like "stop being fake, stop making this more emotional than it needs to be" Help me to stop being critical, discernment is one thing but critical is dangerous. I go home in two days, it's a familiar feeling going home, it gets better, but I wonder where am I going, not home, but where am I going, where am I gonna be in 2 years, but really even more pertinent, where will I be in two months, or where will I be in two weeks, or where will I be in two days?

So two years here's my prayer request for then 1) Lord I pray the calling on my life would be sure to me, that I would allow to lead guide and direct my steps and I would seek first the kingdom always, and I would walk in Your will with joy and be happy in the place you've brought me and know the direction of my life, for me to be at peace and for people in my family to be saved and for me to be bold like you want me to be to know what to do and confidently hear from you.

Now 2 months 2) Lord I know you've been speaking to me about faithfulness and I've bene praying and asking why my relationships with people my church and the ministry I've been in have been so inconvenient for me, I pray for clear direction about your will for me in church, whether you are asking me to committ fully to what is going on there in the form of taking on responsibility for evangelism with the youth and to really be planted and partner with them, or if you are leading me somewhere else. God I don't know why I have to feel so disheartened whenever I go to church, why I feel the need to speak up and even say things I shouldn't say or talk about, about the church, but I pray that whatever you are saying to the end times church for Church of the living waters they would hear and it would be confirmed not just by me. God I need help and direction for real, help me in my relationships with people who I have been growing further away from and show me why, show me where I need to repent and reconcile or where I just need to let go and leave it in your hands, I don't want to worry anymore about "where things went wrong" or where I just missed what has happened. Let me trust what your doing in individuals and help me feel close to some people and not so lonely, teach me your ways change my heart! I pray for the ministry of Chi Alpha and my place on this campus as well, help me submit to leadership, but be confident in what I'm hearing from you and confirming, show me more vision about that dream with me Derek and Victor and the baby that was handed off. For the revival your bringing let me stand in my place and not worry about where anyone else stands. Allow me to walk this thing out again I need help, remind me to pray for the ministry, help me stay faithful, place someone in my life that can give me wise council who is older than me who I can relate to.

2 weeks from now, God help me finish off this semester strong with my schoolwork and in my passion for you and for what your doing here, may I listen to your will and witness to friends and family at home, let me find rest and get work done and enjoy my time with my family and friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. May I abide in you and listen attentitively and hear form you in this time, cultivate the word you want to speak through me.

2 days, I pray for good performance on my test tomorrow, for wisdom and for guidance the next two days, to share Your promises with someone, to love my brothers and sisters, to be at rest safe travels, renewed mind, and for Your glory to shine through me and for me to seek you out

The Change Is Taking Place

Change my heart
To know your love
Renew my mind
On things above
Make my thoughts
Pure and clean
Fix my eyes
On things unseen

Jesus, you laid, your life, down for me
Jesus, you washed me, of my, iniquity

You nailed my sins to the cross
We will follow you will count the cost
You don’t want my sacrifice but my mercy
I will lay down my life, I know you’ll never hurt me

Bruised for my transgressions
By your stripes I’m healed
Make it my confession
That your truths revealed

The only place I want to be is in Your arms tonight
The only time I want to see is when I’m looking, looking in Your eyes
Yeah, Your eyes they burn for me
Yes, they burn jealously

No Living in the Past

2008-02-25T21:23:00.001-08:00

So I just got done reading some of my older entries from last year and coveted my own prior life. I mean its not reall coveting, because the reason why I enjoyed the place I was in last year so much more is because I was growing so much. I was so much more humble and immature therefore I didn't try to be a leader or act like I know what Im talking about. I just sat back and watched God work in my life. Now I'm here whcih to me seems like a place of having less faith, less love, and less of a heart for this campus. Maybe that's not the case but that's what I feel like. I often feel ignored, unheard and alone by God and people. I feel like I've been put in a place where I'm trying to be a whole lot more than what God has called me to be because of other peoples failure to respond to the Word. Maybe that's selfish but I mean it's how I feel so, but I guess some things should be left unsaid (note: consider deleting the last sentence). But in reality I honestly cannot complain about anything going on in my own life once again. I'm getting good grades, I'm spending time with the Lord, he's been providing for me, my family is healthy even though a lot of them still don't know Jesus. I'm excited to go home for the first time since I've been at school, I've been home just haven't been excited to go home and I'm hoping and looking to leave the country for the summer. I said to my mom on the phone on sunday that I want to go on Missions for at least months during the summer, and I told her I'd pretty much go anywhere except Antarctica, and I saw Darla today and she asked me if Stephanie had shown anybody this magazine, and I said no whats the magazine about and she said it's about missions, there are missions trip on every continent except Antarctica so I thought that was pretty cool. Maybe I will really will get to leave the country and be pretty much on my own for a few months. Well we will see and things will get better revelatory wise. Jesus I love you, good night!

Joy of the Lord

2008-02-02T18:57:00.001-08:00

I should be doing homework right now, but someone suggested that I should write down how I'm feeling lately so I've decided too. My birthday is coming up, and as of late I've been pretty anti-social, or rather just not exactly happy to be around people. I guess God is working on that with me, "I love righteousness more than I love people". I don't know why thats the case. I use to be a very sociable person, but every year I get more and more shy though I'm not sure why. I seem to get people aggravated pretty easily as of late and I'm not enjoying being in the spotlight so to speak, with eyes on me or people coming to me or looking to me for any type of leadership, but it's a like double sided because when I do give advice that's not asked for it doesn't seem to thrill people. I've been reading a book lately, that talks about prophets and how they are separate from the body but very much apart, where they're emotions usually aren't lined up with everyone else in the body of Christ may be. I can relate to that a lot. Not to say I'm a prophet because I don't really desire more responisbility. When I was younger the only time I was able to smile was when I was around people, by younger I mean high school, when I was around people I was happy all the time,a nd when I would come home I would cry because I was fake with a lot of people at face value. Now I'm pretty serious a lot and I don't like it, but when I'm not serious people don't take me seriously so its a catch 22. I'm in a place where I'd rather not be taken seriously, I'm in a place where I'd rather take on more of my sinful nature to joke around and have a good time and tell silly immature jokes and laugh and do dumb things than spend my time before the Lord. But that would make me seem like I'm not pursuing holiness. I'm tired of acting like or feeling like their is an urgency in the air, its not fun. its not bringing me any joy, its bringing me an obligation to cry out and intercede but its by no means allowing me to rejoice always. I can rejoice seldomnly and briefly when a prayer is slightly answered but other than that its this fatalistic outlook that I'm no longer to eager to be a part of. I'd love to serve and not worry to much about whether or not people "burn" for the Lord because I see a lot of people "burning" for the Lord not full of joy of the Lord. So i've decided to take a break, until I receive my childlike joy back, I'm not gonna take things very seriously, I'm not going to concern myself with the urgency of the times. I'll keep things in order, but I'm not going to try and pray hours upon hours a day in intercession, I'll just believe that God heres me when I ask the first time. I'd rather give a whole bunch of wrong answers and smile and have God mend my mistakes than give a serious right answer and not smile afterward. Because I'm not the one that perfects righteousness in me, I can try all I want, but I am not the one to do it, Jesus is, and he wants one that says yes and amen, and I'm doing that all the time, every minute of every day, no matter how much time i spend in prayer or singing to the Lord im saying yes every moment. I'm keeping his commandments I'm acknowledging that he died for my sins. He is my Lord and thats something I can rejoice in. After all on earth as it is in Heaven and there is no sadness in Heaven

What's Temporal for Eternal

I'm giving you all my love
now and forever
I'm laying down my life
not and forever
I'm trading what's temporal for eternal
I'm trading all that's temporary
to dwell in your sanctuary

I'm trading first class resorts
just to sit in your inner courts
I'm trading fortune and fame
for the name above all names
I'm trading all that money
for a land flowing with milk and honey
I'm trading the things I can't afford
for the glory of the Lord
I'm trading every eye on me
just so the blind can see
I'm laying it all down
just so I can receive a crown

I'm saying no to every fleshly desire
just so my heart will burn with your fire

Spew all of us from your mouth

2008-01-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

All I'm going to do is complain in this entry, so anyone who reads it doesn't have to read long before they may get frustrated or think I'm whining. And I'm not going to complain about how much I hate my classes even though I do nor am I going to complain that I don't like my major even though I don't and I'm not going to complain about not having any direction about my future other than the next 4 months. But what I am going to complain about is how little God's glory presence or whatever is on this campus in my heart, etc. etc. I've come to this sad daunting conclusion that college Christianity on JMU and from the little I've seen elsewhere but is probably the case all around the US has boiled down to being a Christian in college means, going to the ministry that you feel is your best fit, very seldomnly pray, very seldomnly do anything that can effect the unbelieiving part of the campus positively, raise some money for other Christian organizations, raise up leaders that teach the word of God rather than live it, and students with a mindset of, I'll be a compromising Christian who is in college to pursue my own will for my own future ambitions whether it means serving a full time ministry that that person may or may not have been called to, while looking a for a potential mate that is willing to compromise with me, but not enough to not be able to say one is not a Christian, than get to ones senior year, if they are lucky they may still be involved in the ministry they first started with, if they are lucky maybe they will still have a poor relationship with the Lord, if they are lucky has survived falling away, just to graduate maybe marry the person they met in college, and struggle through that while having a job without ever really gaining a burning passion in their heart to get to know God and live wholeheartedly abandoned for Him. That philosophy is nowhere near what Jesus called his disciples too. Nope not even close actually. Some believe that the disciples were around 18-22 which would make sense since the sons of Zebedee, James and John were fishing with their father when He called them, which also would make sense considering Jesus started his ministry around 30 and probably would not surround himself with people older than himself. The point that they were probably around college age is just to say is that was when these disciples were most willing to give up everything to follow Him. That was when they were most willing to devote their whole heart to pursue something. An example can be stated why in college people will so passionately party many nights of the week because they begin to do things at extremes. While Christians may be passionately seeking their (mate in Christ) or the moment in their life where they can begin to do things the world is doing and it not be considered sinful (i.e. drinking, smoking, chewing tobacco gambling) whatever who cares stuff that doesn't come close to satisfying, while they could be doing the thing that is needed so Jesus said to Mary at his feet Luke 10:42 "But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her." the presence of God. Which comes full circle back to what I am complaining about. Okay, okay God is omnipresent, but Martha was in the other room so yeah Jesus was present with her, but Mary sat before Him chilled with Him enjoyed Jesus' company, and it wasn't boring. Why is it when I sit before the Lord hours a day, I am bored waiting for Him to come. God why is your presence so far away, How many times do I have to die before you hear my cry? How many times do I have to live, when the longer I live the more I ask you to forgive? This is not to say that anyone has the right to say well God's presence isn't there because your sin has driven him away, no wrong, Mary's sin didn't drive Jesus away when she poured perfume on Jesus' feet and washed his feet with her tears and hair, my point is to be overcome in the presence of the Lord is a reality that people around here are not experiencing, that I don't know how to posture my heart, I've tried every way, I've done anything, I've been silent, repented, waited, cried, screamed, asked gently, sought day after day after day after day after day after day, interceded all to fall short and fall short and to claw bite kick scratch gotten depressed all to sit and do nothing and wait and quietly pray with patience and tricked myself into being joyful and helpful all for nothing. Asking me to enjoy his presence without recognizing or feeling his presence there is retarded its using a good imagination. I'm not saying I'm going by a feeling, but to feel the love experience it be enthralled in it instaed of being told about it and praying unceasingly for it and being told about it and all the things i need to do is (harsher than any explitive used as an adjective can be inserted here) ridicuouls. We have gotten this so wrong, we are not even close, our theology is too screwed up and you can repent for it again and again, for not being passionate enough, for not spending enough time, for sinning, repent and repent and repent until I repent for things I don't even do until I repent for things I did 8 years ago for the 1,000th time, repent for other peoples sins, repent for the sins of people who don't even follow Jesus, pray for abortion to end which would mean that a sin would no longer exist, these things are ridiculous, they are not biblical, God says he will heal our land and send revival but abortion cannot end aside from healing of land and revival, it's not biblical, people who don't believe in God don't just stop sinning, yeah it may become illegal but it won't stop. why haven't we cried out for murder to end, because its not going to, martyrdom will only increase, As the spirit comes sin will only increase the battle will only become more harsh more severe, we have been wasting our time. But I don't know what other way to waste my time, becuase God's not speaking to any of the other prophets. The glory is seemingly non existent. People fasted and prayed for 3 days because people turned their hearts to the father and that was all it took to heal the land. 8 years has not done it another 8 years won't do it. Only in God's time can it be done. I don't get it, I just don't I have no righteousness of myself, I have no understanding. God do something, do something, do something, if you don't do something it's your fault for not hearing. There are plenty of people crying out for this, plenty, more than enough you can at least be faithful to answer their praye rs, what are you waiting for? Why don't I have love for brothers and sisters? and if I do why don't I want to be around them, why do I want to be forever alone, that question isn't rhetorical and I already know the answer, because nothing is different, nothing is different their is no change, sure some people's lives are uncompromised but there is no fruit, it is not the fruit the harvest that the word talks about, I'm going to be so upset if I spend the next 2 and half years waiting for a revival that doesn't happen. I could have stopped beating myself up, I could have never fasted, never prayed for it, never told other people about it, never got excited and let down about it amongst many other things, not listened to other people, not listened to the prophets, but I did and am doing and I haven't held back and I'm sure I can't fully say that but in comparison I haven't not in comparison to other people, but in comparison to YOUR WORD not mine! Do something anything, really anything at all that you can get glory at least in my heart for that would come easy, that would just put me in awe and say GOD YOU DESERVE ALL THE GLORY FOR THAT! it doesn't even have to be big that just has to be the response of my heart, I don't care if you revive an ant, I don't care if you highlight a word in Scripture if the response of my heart can be awestruck I will be happy. If I can truly tremble at Your Word instead of being discouraged by it I'll be happy. Whatever I'm not picky

Driving

2007-11-04T21:02:00.000-08:00

Because if I fell asleep I'd have to face the music of the morning, and there is no real telling what that will sound like, no telling where my dreams will take me, this is beginning to sound poetic but that's not the point, the point is to write, i lost my journal so I'm resulting to typing. I recognize my circumstance me being humbled, my positions threatened, but i also recognize my will is submitted, that I have no obligations to anyone or anything accept Christ and what he calls me too, and I'm the only one who knows what he fully calls me too, and I don't even know the full extent to which He calls me but he does, which is why in my circumstance I can trust him, which is why I've felt good since Friday morning. This 3 day stretch has been probably the most refreshing, clear God speaking to me weekend, or at least I feel he has been speaking and I'm no longer second guessing the Spirit in me, if someone else stands to correct me I'll stand before God and ask Him or repent. But I know that I'll be submissive to authority God has put me under not authority man has put me under. Even though I feel like I was tricked into agreeing to something, I don't mind it, I don't mind being a servant in matters I don't want to be. I also realize that Christ is my High priest that He offered himself for me, that without Him I am nothing and if I am spending time with Him and not living in sin there is no reason to second guess my Spirit even if it does seem like it's just emotion. I will take every thought captive, like today I thought about riding a tricycle through a drivethrough wearing a bicycle helmet during worship. I wish I didn't, I know I wanted to focus on God, but it didn't happen so i prayed about it. Church was good, God is better. I'm waiting for His Spirit and I'm wanting to be bold and to live as Christ everyday. Things are on the upswing, and I'm loving it.

Law and the Lord

2007-10-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

I Fought the Lord and the Lord One

I’m still gonna love you
I’m still gonna chase you
I’m still gonna seek your face (you face)

Arose in the night
To cross over the ford
Left alone to fight
What must have been my Lord

I’m not sorry to struggle
I must persevere
I’m willing to suffer
So long as you are here

Wrestled til’ daybreak
But neither was broken
A hip out of place
But I’m still outspoken

I won’t let go till you bless me
I won’t let go till you bless me
I won’t let go cause
You’ve chosen to test me
I can’t let go when you’ve chosen to love me

Tell me your name
So I know who you are
I feel know shame
For I fought so hard

I’ve seen Your face
And I am preserved
In the midst of this race
I got what’s deserved

Limp on my hip
Is how I remember the Lord
I’ve gotten a grip
On adhering to His word
(on hearing His word)

I’m still gonna love you
I’m still gonna chase you
I’m still gonna seek your face (your face)

Kristine this one isn't done

Garage

2007-10-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

Garage
By Jimmy Passaro

It was never necessary to have a garage
the cars were always parked on the lawn
a poor attempt at being flashy or a
proud declaration of being trashy, in either case
the garage was as empty as your heart
you cared too much or you didn’t care at all
or it depended on the days

your neighbor was a cornfield
which neither awed over
nor complained about
the shingles falling from the house
that would be devoured on impact
by the weeds surrounding

I never understood the extravagant block parties
yet, still people came
mileage never seemed to be an issue
and you bred cows
but never used their milk or meat
cows aren’t pets
companionship comes in different facets

So far secluded, yet so desperate for human interaction,
such inconsistencies would place a city boy on a farm.
The two hour commute never made much sense either.
“But God is in that field,” you’d say, which was funny.

When I’d park on the side of the road,
at night I’d go into that field
and be more lost than before I entered.
I’d always wait until morning to get out…
Because that’s when I waited to cry for help
you always heard
and found me so quickly
never asking why I was there.
Lock-jawed
as we walked back to the house
clinging to each others cognition
I wished I never took the walk back; but I owed you my footsteps
and I’d always be the first to crack and ask how you found me so fast,
and you were never inconsistent with your answers

“God is in that field,” you’d say,
But this time you added something
“And my garage isn’t as empty as you might think.”

Learning Lessons

2007-10-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

One Day I’ll Learn to Pray Without Doubt

Ask and it shall be given
Seek and you shall find
Knock and it will be opened
Are you absolutely of your mind?
Because I ask and am denied
And I seek and I go blind
I knock and the door opens
And then it’s slammed a second time
But I guess these are your answers
Or I’m asking the wrong questions
Because you keep saying no
And I keep going in different directions
Because what I find I don’t like
But what I don’t like is just fine
And even though I don’t understand
I know you’ve freely given
You gave the gift of a dead man
A dead man who has risen
Just when I thought nothing
was given unto me
He reminds of the salvation
That I received for free
Thank you for your love oh Lord
Thanks for your compassion
Thank you for mercy and justice
All of which you don’t ration
Amen!

If I typed my Life on the Internet

2007-10-10T15:13:00.002-07:00

If I Put My Life on Paper

If I put my life on paper
I wouldn’t see much at all
If I read my story to the world
They wouldn’t be impressed
If I relived my worst moments
I’d see myself amidst a fall
If I kept constant hold of my saving grace
I’d know I’m truly blessed

If I put my life on paper
It would be worth nothing
It wouldn’t matter in the least
It wouldn’t be held in high regard
Because giving up was never hard
If I put my life on paper
I could crumple it up and throw it away
I could light it on fire
It wouldn’t esteem me any higher

But If He put it in His Book
It would count for something
It would count for eternity
Within that book would be
The greatest love story
That the world could ever here
If it opened up it’s ear
To the trumpet of Zion
To the bells in Bethlehem
To the day the Lord was born
To the day His flesh was torn
To when He nailed our sins to the cross
And resurrected all for us

And If I put my life on paper
You know it wouldn’t take much
Just being willing to be touched
By the Lord of Hosts
Who matters most

If I put my life on paper
It would be a waste of time
Because He could write the words
And my life would be perfectly fine
Cause I’d rely on Jesus
The only one that frees us
From the battle with our flesh
Through You we are truly blessed

If I put my life on paper
Could anyone read it aloud
With the passion I’ve not yet found
If I put my life on paper
Would I have surrendered it all
And have answered His call
Would I be put at ease
And hear “With you I am well pleased
Enter in good and faithful servant”
You heart was truly fervent
For the One who loved you more
Let me show you to the door
Because your life has been signed
By Jesus’ blood
Now your marked with love
And you will endure
In Heaven forevermore
In the Presence of the Lord
And your life is in His book
Your faith in Him was it all it took
Eternally marked with a seal
An ever-burning zeal
A passion that is real
Thank you Lord for your grace
I’m left speechless by your face
I’m left speechless by your face

Total Opposites But We'll See

2007-10-10T15:13:00.001-07:00

Mistake Churches for Bars

I mistake angels for cars
I mistake churches for bars
The headlights are blinding
Seems like bad timing
But it’s His time not ours

I mistake churches for bars
I mistake angels for cars
And maybe I’m just to naïve
Or maybe I’m too drunk to leave
But no that’s not the case
And it’s all such a waste of my time
I could be depressive
Or passive aggressive
I’m searching for fellowship
I’m seeking my God
I’m making excuses
And He sees through my façade

I miss take God’s words for my own
I mistake the Truth for the unknown
Couldn’t you be a little clearer
Now that I’m drawing nearer
Or am I just all alone?

The last thing I need
Is to push myself away
Lord this seed
Must grow today
And I want to love you
Like Jesus showed His love
Because I have the right to
Granted by God above
So Lord be in my heart
Though it is so dark
Please let me take part
In you lighting the spark

I mistake signs as reasons to disbelieve
I mistake altar calls as a reason to leave
You know my deepest hearts desire
It’s you in the center of the fire
Is my heart really willing to receive?

Not because I don’t believe
But I just want to leave
Because no one is seeking
We’re all here just meeting
Being fake in religion
caught up in tradition
whatever happened to the commission
so great in thy tradition
I don’t want to be lonely
But only if only
We all knew the fullness of love
But when push comes to shove
I feel so inadequate
And I can’t snap out of it

I mistake angels for cars
I mistake churches for bars
The headlights are blinding
Seems like bad timing
But it’s His time not ours

And we are all wanting a fill
But we have chosen the thrill
Thanks be to grace
Because we’re all forgiven
And I’m seeking your face
But am I truly living
Will this body be drunk in the Spirit?
Does anyone hear it?
Or do we worship from distance?
Is there still resistance?
But I’m wanting all of you
Including what I don’t comprehend
When it comes to what’s true
It seems the there is no end.

I see the angels coming near
The church is seeing clear
And the Lord’s light is shining
It was all in his timing
And now this unending love is here

Just wait and See what God's about to do

2007-04-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel upset about something. I say upset about something because I have no idea what it is. My spirit is grieving and I don't know why. I feel like things are going wrong, and I don't know what to do. I've been trying to spend time alone with God for revelation, but it feels unfocussed. Talk of a change in the spiritual environment has been discussed and to some extent I agree. I feel like battle lines have been drawn. I feel like we are on the verge of war. Whether it be spiritual or actual I do not know. I feel the battles in and around me just unsettling. Things have been just tearing me apart. I feel unconcentrated and my head, how it hurts. I feel like I've been crying out to God forever, and I'm just draining away. I feel my faith being attacked from every direction even when there is no real sign of attack. I feel broken. I don't know whats going on. There is so much to pray about and I feel hurt and dead and confused, and so badly need to hear from God. There is no time for anything anymore. God who are you and what are you doing?

What do I need a ladder for?

2007-03-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Last week was a pretty crazy week. Monday night I went to a seminar entitled "How to be Religious and Pro Choice," and the three speakers they brought in were absolutely ridiculous. I'm not going to go into detail about them because it would be very easy to criticize, but none of those people loved God, they loved themselves and their religions. They loved the practice that went along with their religions, but none of them had a relationship with God. I can say that not out of my own judgment, but on the basis that none of them have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. As far as their other beliefs, they aren't even worth mentioning. However, I believe God did have purpose to go, and afterwards one of the speakers came up and considered accepting Christ which was cool. Wednesday I went to a Freethinkers meeting which is for the most part an atheist organization that enjoys poking fun at religion and Jesus. However, they weren't completely closed off because they allowed me to sit in and eventually talk to them about Jesus and God's word. Even though their intent was to attack my beliefs and the Word of God, they ended up having seeds planted in them. I trust God will do the rest. Thursday in my psychology class they had Madison Equality come in, which consisted of a homosexual or bisexual panel of people to come in and talk to us how it's okay to be gay. I realize often as a Christian while conversing with other Christians people often say, well you can't judge people, but I'm trying to understand that whole concept, but John 3:18-21 says "He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God." I think often when people talk about evil that others practice people want to perceive that as judgment in order to avoid the subject, but honestly if no one talked about it than in a way we'd be ignoring it. It's just like when people don't talk about the gifts and power of the Holy Spirit of the Fear of God. If you don't talk about it than people just ignore it. I mean on top of other things I've been very confused by Christians because so much is ignored. At the same time I also realize that I don't trust man for the answer which is why I pray to God. I'd rather get wisdom from God directly rather than through an intermediate or another person walking with God. But we have to acknowledge also that we are colaborers with Christ, so sometimes He wants others to do His work. Now does anyone see why I have so much trouble with discernment. Because I trust God, but God doesn't always operate through the same people all the time. And sometimes people are wrong not God. So in turn I have not as a much of a battle with the flesh as much as I have a battle with the Spirit. Because I so desperatel want to know truth, but so often people get the truth wrong. I myself do it even when I think I'm relying on God. So where was I going with this? Oh yea, that's right so in class a Christian student more or less told the homosexual panel that they would be going to Heaven, but none of those people had accepted Christ. I think often time we try and tell people of Heaven before we let them know that their is a cost to following God, and that cost is dying to yourself. You don't get into Heaven and then after you become aware of that accept Christ. First you have to accept Christ's sacrifice, and He can change your desires if you let Him. When I heard this Christian more or less encouraging the behavior that their will be homosexuals in Heaven I felt compelled to begin to ask questions that would imply that homosexuality is a sin. Your not getting into Heaven if you choose a life of sin over the life of Christ. It's scripture. And if you deny Christ altogether your also not going to Heaven. I don't say that to be mean, I say that because it's a reality. Realizing this more and more has led my heart to ache for those I love that have not accepted Jesus Christ as Lord. Okay so after Thursday, was the weekend, and we wathed the Driven By Eternity teachings which were good and listened to the story from Driven By Eternity which was corny yet kind of helpful. Eternity is so long of a time that I can't begin to fathom it. This week will be a rough one due to 3 tests I still have to take. I'm going to study for them soon so I will leave this with a song:

Not An Easy Climb

Jacob, where’s your ladder?
Oh, Jacob where’s your ladder
To them it may not matter
Jacob where’s your ladder?

But when it’s my time to just get away
I can’t close my eyes and ream
Of the place where angels go to stay
At least I’m on the righteous team
I guess I lack imagination
Woe is me but bless my mind
Though I still have my salvation (Hallelujah!)
What about the rest of humankind
Maybe the sins that have plagued us since birth
Called for a savior to restore
But if Heaven’s gonna be on earth
Then what do we need a ladder for?
I can see why angels would ascend
But why ever would they come back
I guess this world is worthy to defend
God sends his angels to bring us back
They are not attacking us in violence
But they are hear to protect
Don’t think that it was nonsense
For the Son of God to resurrect

Do they know the Lord stands above the rungs?
Sending fresh air, into our lungs

While saying,
Jacob Here’s your ladder
Oh Jacob here’s your ladder
Don’t your descendants go and scatter
To God, all your people matter
So Jacob, climb the ladder

If I breathe in the prophecy, he’ll surely give us back the land
As we continue to seek your face, we’ll still await your hand
Our human minds hands and feeble minds, cannot reach the sky
Which is why we cry out and sing praises to the Lord on high,
So how long do we wait for, how much further can we climb?
We tire and need more rest so, Lord, please redeem the time
Take a vow in the morning when you wake up from your rest
Set a stone up as a pillar, at least you did your very best
With this act of obedience the Lord your God is well pleased
All it took was a simple dream for God to bring Jacob to his knees
God be with me so that I come back to my father’s house in peace
The seed of families shall be blessed from North, South, West, and East

So Jacob, take up the ladder
Take it up and follow me
So Jacob, take up the ladder
Take it up for all to see
Jacob keep the ladder
No other dream seems to matter
When God’s on top a Ladder

All I have to Say

2007-03-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

I never did get a chance to write about my Spring Break and all that God did in New Orleans, which is a shame because a week after there is no way I'm going to remember everything that happened. I'm sure if I devoted the next 2 hours to thinking about it God would remind me everything that happened of every important moment. But I don't know if He wants me to do that. Commonly I don't know what He wants me to do. And as soon as I think I do something He wants me to do it I doubt it. So going into the trip, I didn't know if I'd be going because we didn't have proper space to take 8 people down. We found out about 30 hours before we were leaving that we had a van that would fit everyone on the trip. God came through, because I had no idea what I was going to do, I just left it in His hands after spending a lot of time in prayer about it. We left at 4:00 am Saturday. It was a really long drive and we stopped every 2 hours. Along the way we got to meet a lot of people and pray for many. I met one guy Carlos who God made my heart yearn for. He was sitting by a pay phone outside of KFC for about an hour. When we got to the church we were staying at we met the Pastor of the church and Joel who was running the Hands to Go operation. That night we were just concentrated on getting rest and talking. That night the 4 guys me, Aaron, Ernest, and Derek just spent the night talking about various things. It was a good night to grow closer to each other and to God. Sunday morning service was pretty awesome too. Judging by the oustide of the church, we thought we were dealing with a Methodist church so I had my doubts, but service was amazing and God had showed up powerfully. There was a lot of freedom in the church, and I also remember the word given by a woman pastor was pretty good. We had lunch after service where we got to meet people in the community, I ate with the little kids, I remember one little boy named Kyle made me laugh a lot. He had tons of energy. We played with the kids after lunch. I'm surprised they didn't throw up there food from the way we were tossing the kids around. After playing with the kids we had orientation with a group of 42 people from Minnesota. For the rest of the day we went to the French Quarter with the intent to pray for people and talk to people. We prayed for one guy who was named Louis armstrong Junior and then watched a Jamaican team perform for about an hour and a half. Then we prayed for some others and returned home to eat. That night some interesting things happened that I didn't understand and the next morning, We started work. We got to gut a house which was fun and easy. During lunch I talked to some high school kids, and later prayed for them. After finishing the house, we got to walk around the community and pray for people. Me and Aaron went out together and just about everyone we talked to was open for prayer, it was awesome. That night we ate dinner as a large group and we got to meet some new people. We went home and I spent a lot of alone time with God. It was pretty neat. Tuesday was another day of work, at lunch we went door to door again and we prayed for one family of Christian women, and they shared the testimony how us coming to there house was completely from God, and it was nothing less than that. That night we went back to the French Quarter to pray for people. Our group again only prayed for one homeless guy and another one who came along. That night we also got to talk to a guy who everyone had separately seen at one point in the night. God was seeking him out and wanted us to talk to this guy. When we left the French Quarter we made it back to share testimonies with the group from Minnesota. That was a cool experience, but the excitement got the best of our group, and discernment wasn't really used, but this proved to be an important lesson for everyone involved. The next day God led me to go with the group from Minnesota and everyone else in our Virginia group went to the other house. I'm glad God led me there because I had good conversations our friends from Minnesota. That night after a couple of conversations, things came to the surface for both groups and God was working only how he can. Our group got to discuss matters for several hours. When we returned we hung out briefly with the other group from Virginia. Thursday our group of 8 worked separately and God used us extraordinarily. We spent the first 2 and half hours walking around handing out pamphlets and praying for people. One man named Leon accepted Christ! Rejoice with me! Then we ate lunch on a seashell beach and shared testimonies and then got to work on a shed, which took an hour. After the work was done, we were able to pray with the house owner and it was amazing. This was by far the best day thus far on the trip, but no one could have expected what God had planned for that night. Service was amazing, from worship to the message, to the alter call. During the end I was in the very back of the church on my face asking God, to show up like never before, and it's safe to say that something completely new happened for me as well as most people there. A lady in the church began to scream and then fell to the floor shouting "Get it off me!" Maybe on her second scream I got up off my face and ran towards the front of the church and began interceding in a completely new type of tongue that I never heard out of my mouth. This lady clearly was being attacked, I look over at the rest of the people in the church and the building starts to clear out. I could feel God's presence more powerful than I almost ever have, and the environment was absolutely crazy, but awesome. God worked like only He can. After the incident I felt like I wanted to talk to some people, so thats what I did, The rest of what God did that night I don't feel like I can express in written word, it can only be explained by word of mouth or by being there so I won't even try. The next day was absolutely beautiful because God had unified the everyone. Everyone was able to work together and love was expressed in full. I don't think a single person was the least upset all day. We worked together out of love, and God was all over it. It was a relaxing day for people to enjoy fellowship and work together. I knew it was our last day, but I don't think anyone was ready to leave. Everyone's heart was too touched by God, no one wanted His work to stop. When the day had ended, no one wanted to say goodbye so we planned to meet back at the church for another night of fellowship and to say good-bye. So that's what we did. God blessed the conversations, I remember at first I was sad and stubborn and didn't feel like saying good-bye so I reflected with God, and then the night just got better and better. God led us to have prayer outside, so many of us circled up, and I remmember when I was amongst that circle I felt a new peace, a peace and a unity like never before, like I was close to Heaven. So anyone who wanted prayer could stay outside if they so desired, and worship music was playing in the middle. Many people were prayed for including myself, and I thought about it, and was like "if God is this good, when we are one earth with all this darkness around us, and we are able to feel this much love even with all the stuff we struggle with that comes along with being human, then how amazing is eternity going to be when we won't need to pray for deliverance or for healing. Only God could orchestrate something so perfect where a Heaven would change people from being so imperfect to being perfect and reigning with God. After prayer we all sang a worship song together and enjoyed God and no one wanted it to end, but it was time to go. So the night ended we went back got some sleep and got ready for the car ride home. On the way home we stopped and got to pray at a gas station with a whole bunch of people going to do work on their Spring Break when ours was just ending. We got home on Sunday which leads me to this week, which was a whole lot rougher on me. Now after all that I'm getting to the real point of me writing, which is the part of God I don't understand. How is it that whenever I have little expectation of what God is going to do, He does so much more than ever, yet when expectations are high amongst many, God seems to barely show up at all, at least by my human sight. I'm super frustrated because I feel I have little to no discerning ability of what God is doing, even while he is doing it, I get the impression that I am just being led blindly. I know I'm walking by faith when I have no plan so that's good. But it seems the more I cry out for something the more on my heart it becomes the further it gets pushed back on God's priority list. The more I pray for God to give me understanding and wisdom on matters the more confused I become. I never want to think about things that are going on, I just pray God will show me. I want to have confidence when saying that's not of God or that is of God. Because so often I feel like I'm being led by man when following when they say they are being led by God, but at the same time I get the impression that if I did what I think God wants me to do, everyone else gets the same impression. But thats the thing I don't care what others think because even when I have a passionate God idea even people who are walking closesly with God will shut it down. Why? Because everyone wants to hear from God, everyone wants to be Jesus's favorite one. So many people are so darn desperate for Him that the line between walking by faith and sight has become so blurred. The amount of confusion that runs through my mind as well as others seems unending. Everyone cries out for the same thing, Revival! Revival! Revival! and it can only be done with God, but God who are you and what are you doing? For once answer me that question, please! I plead with you! Let me know what you are doing! Give me enough faith where I don't have to question it. I had this dream while in the prayer room, I don't know if it's of God, I don't know if God is trying to show me something through it, but it's one of the few dreams I actually remember that seems like it could mean something. I was a homeless battered man in a city that was desolate. All I had was a bookbag filled with money, and something beeping in it, it could have been a bomb, it could have just been something of value that I didn't understand I just knew I needed it, but I didn't need it for me I needed it for someone or something else, but it would help me in some way. I remember I had lost my bookbag and I was standing on a corner worried because I had lost it and knew I had to find it, But another homeless man found it and was asking around if someone lost a bookbag and I ran to him and said that I did. I remember him either telling me or me just discerning that he either had a hearing problem or needed to buy a hearing aid, so I gave him some of the money in the bookbag, and he didn't necessarily want it, but I wanted to bless him with it, after I had given him the money I started being pursued by many homeless people in need of money, and they began to attack me, they would beat me up and punch and kick me, and I know they wanted the money, but I would have given it to them if they asked because I didn't need the money. So as they were beating me up I just was taking money out of my bookbag and throwing it at them saying take it and leave me be, just take it, so that group left with there money and another group came up in a beat up car, and I remember either dumping all the money on the ground or just throwing it all at whoever came near me, and made it clear that I had none left, all I had was my bookbag and whatever was beeping in it. No one else knew about the beeping thing because all they wanted was the money. Then I walked down the street I was on back towards the guy I had given money for the hearing aid, he was asleep on the steps of this abandoned building, and out of nowhere walked the cleanest of the people who were homless and before he got to me I told him I had no money left. He told me he didn't want my money and that he was an important figure, like the president, or something and he pushed a button on a remote of some sort and said "Open" and the desolate building that the guy I gave money to for the hearing aid was sleeping by opened up and it was this giant room filled with technology like I had never seen, it just looked like it was above and beyond my understanding and I remember thinking maybe whatever was in my bookbag was suppose to go in there but I didnt think about for too long because I was amazed. As me, the hearing aid guy, and the guy that opened the building walked into it we all became clean, like renewed, we went from looking like dirty homeless beat up people, to clean business men or something like that. Then I woke up. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but God have I not given up everything? All I want is for everyday to be absolutely amazed by you! I'm tired of these just individual days where You do something amazing, and I'm tired of when amazing things happen I can often overlook them. God I want you at any cost, I don't even know how to make that clear, and often I question myself because I don't know what that looks like. I don't think anyone knows what that looks like. But we can guess and do our best. God don't make it a guessing game. Be more real with us, not just me everyone! Don't be so myterious with us. We know You exist, we can't deny Your power, we openly declare your power and how great you are. I mean often I'll admit I've hidden out from You, but don't You do the same thing. Don't you hide Your face from us? God You can show Your face to us at any point of the day, and we would drop all we had and run with You, but You've never even given me the oppurtunity, everything has just been inklings, where I've been inclined to do something because I take a leap of faith. God I'm more than frustrated with You, because I know you exist, but You should be a whole lot closer than You are. I can't be frustrated with something that isn't real, so here's my confession, if I don't receive more of you, if you don't let me in on more of Your face, eventually I'm going to stop seeking. I know myself, not nearly as well as you know me, if I know something than I can't know something without You knowing it, and I'm saying I know that if You don't give me new revelation, if you don't start hearing my prayers and allowing me to see you work, than I know that I will stop seeking, Lord my heart will never fully allow itself to doubt You. Which is why I am still alive, because if my heart was able to do that I would have ended my life. all this I know, Jesus loves me this I know, but God you never called us to be satisfied and content with our relationships with you, which is why I'm not, I never will be, but You can easily amaze me, so I'm just saying do it, You might as well do it. There is no reason not too, I'm drawing near to you so you draw near to me, it's a promise you made, you made more promises than I ever have so fulfill it please! And as of right now I have total faith that in Your perfect time You will, and knowing how you usually work with me, this isn't a pre-conceived idea, it's just what you have done as of late, is that it will be at the last possible moment, so Lord surprise me once again and make it sooner than later and don't make me wait for it. Thank you Lord for doing it in advance, Amen!

Guilty

2007-03-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

I was reading one of my really old poems today, and I got hit hard by one of the lines. It read, "They wait here so patiently for those who don't arrive" Immediately after reading this line I got this idea about me being up in Heaven and just waiting for others that I love to come through the gates. It got me so upset because I so desperately want to see everyone I love and everyone in general to go to Heaven, and it's so scary to think that people will miss out, and I feel like I so desperately want God to use me to bring in the harvest, especially those I'm closest too. I'm so tired of waiting patiently because I worry about the little time there is. I don't want someone to die before they accept Christ, die to themselves and live for Him. I don't want to wait patiently when I could be out their serving or spreading the good news, but I have no courage, no boldness, I need so much help from my Lord Almighty. I'm so dependant on Him and I so desperately need Him to work more rapidly, so I must pray and continue to pray, be in constant prayer. Ironically enough the title of the poem is called, "How to Get Away with Murder". I thought about this and I think about how God will still let me into Heaven if I don't contribute to helping these people, but at the same time by not helping them in some way I'm murdering them, I'm dooming them to an eternity of suffering if I don't spread the good news of Christ. This is the message I got out of it, there is NEVER a bad time to share the good news of Jesus Christ. I'm tired of people telling me to wait on when I think the Holy Spirit is telling me to do something, all that does is confuse me and make me doubt that He has not yet given us the ability to spread the good news. As soon as we were saved we became apart of this servanthood to spread the good news. Any other way about it is a lie or deception. There is always time to here about Jesus. There is always time to share Jesus with others. What he did should never be kept secret or held back. We are already led by the Spirit to share his Word and it is not selfish to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. I'm not proclaiming I died on the cross nor do I have a kingdom to establish. I'm not looking for succees, name, or money. I want to see God's kingdom grow and with that attitude any and every moment is time enough to spread the news. Don't try and lie to me and say that it's not true, and don't lie to yourselves. The only person I'm listening too is me and God. And when I listen to me chances are I'm going to doubt myself, so hopefully I just listen to God. I'm going to put the whole poem in this blog now:

How to Get Away with Murder

Guilty as charged, a crime has been committed
Quite frankly it doesn't seem anyone took consideration
Unfortunately the maker of these atrocities will be acquitted
And this person may just lose all their admiration

Quite Frankly it doesn’t seem anyone took consideration
Consumed in pain he runs away in utter fear
And this person may just lose all their admiration
Notice they came in droves to show why they are here

Consumed in pain he runs away in utter fear
Fear led us to the end of this very lively tale
Notice they came in droves to show why they are here
Their bodies broken, but one remains so frail

Fear led us to the end of this very lively tale
Brought us war and peace that came throughout the ages
Their bodies broken, but one remains so frail
Deep inside of that one mind yet another battle rages

Brought us war and peace that came throughout the ages
Distant memories is what claimed the souls of those alive
Deep inside of that one mind yet another battle rages
They wait here so patiently for those who don’t arrive

Distant memories is what claimed the souls of those alive
Unfortunately the maker of these atrocities will be acquitted
They wait here so patiently for those who don’t arrive
Guilty as charged, a crime has been committed

Even in Eden

2007-02-25T17:01:00.000-08:00

God has put a lot on my heart as of late. However, He has more than enough power to handle it I've been praying about so much as of late, about deciding on a major; I am taking a career placement test this week to see if that will help me out in leading me towards a decision, but I want to make sure it is only what God wants me to do. I do not want to stray from His will even in the slightest. I've also been praying about what to do once the semester ends, whether I should return home and stay there for the summer. It may suit me better to stay here in Harrisonburg for the summer and get a job here. If I do stay at home for the summer than there is so much I will need to work on. Other than finding a job, I may need to find where God will place me whether it be finding a new church or staying where I'm at with that situation. I also will need to be extraordinarily used by God in the area of my family and friends. God would have to totally plant me with a new group of people that will help me with my walk with God because when I go home that has been completely lacking. The lives of my family and friends would also have to be changed dramatically and I would need God's annointing for all that because nothing can be done unless He wills it. A week from now I will be in New Orleans. I'm excited to be used by God and to learn what He wants me to learn from the experience. I've also been in prayer for wisdom in many different situations. I've been exposed to a lot of new things lately that confuse me, so I'm still waiting on God to give me revelation. I'm searching out the matters that God conceals. Luckily I've had an extremely light workload for school because my mind and heart has been consumed by so many other things. God really has shown me that I need to be in prayer about my attitude because that has prevented me from enjoying being with Him as of late. I'm glad He revealed that to me so it can be something else I can add to my prayers. As always my friends and family and even those I don't know are in my prayers daily, as well as God to make a movement on campus. Throughout all this I must remain completely reliant on God because the second I try and pull something off on my own, I feel like I'm going to drive myself really far down in a ditch so all I can do right now is pray and see what doors God is opening and closing. He's gotten be this far and there has never been a good reason to doubt that He will take care of me. I haven't spent a lot of time writing as of late, but God has recently put a song on my heart which is my main purpose for writing this entry. When I first started singing this song my heart was changing and I almost cried, I think there is a ot of passion in it:

Adam's Somber Psalm

Lord, hello it’s Adam, the first man to ever live
I’m also the first creature that you were to forgive
Remember all the days when I walked with you in Eden
Well, I can’t stand to say that my heart has broken even
You gave me privilege to name every living creature
This came only by the grace of my most Holy Teacher
Lord you gave me woman and my heart was led astray
I plead that you won’t revoke your presence from me on this day
Forbidden fruit means nothing, it does not satisfy my soul
I can’t live without your love; it is all that makes me whole
I can’t stand to walk without you, now I feel like your unknown
Even though my Eve’s right there I spend my evenings all alone
God, what about your love, the touch of my Maker
All I can seem to ask is “why ever did you make her?”
Forgive me once again because I was quick to blame
But Lord you understand that I cannot bare the shame
So curse me to a life where it is my job to work and serve
And as man I’ll hold steadfast to Your every spoken word

Lord why were we so deceived
Why am I so deceived?
I am so deceived
I hope my soul will still be received
Though I am so deceived
I am so deceived
I am so deceived
My soul can only be relieved… by You

Lord the Tree of Knowledge has let me know when Your not there
Once again, comes the deception, I also know Your everywhere
So you banished me from paradise because of my mistakes
And I’ve slipped into deep depression, how can I bare to show my face?
Why would you let me fall so far, am I not your creation?
My heart is geared toward perfection, though I never reach that sensation
Now you have your chance, God, to show how merciful you can be
Lord, give me back the Garden, and take my hand and walk with me
I am merely man, imperfect in my form
From the dust of the earth, from your heart I was born
Silence that serpent send a savior to smash its head
A savior that will be raised after three days of being dead
Someone known as a Redeemer to save souls for eternity
Worthy is The Lamb and the Light for all humanity to see
His hands and feet should be Holy, he should not fear man or a cross
He should be You in the body of a man and count no sinner as a loss

No sinner is a loss, no sinner is a loss,
We were all born into sin
You took a stand on that cross

No sinner is a loss, no sinner is a loss,
We were all born into sin
You took a stand on that cross

Maybe a song

2007-02-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I experienced what it's like to hear a real prophet with the gift of prophecy, and it was pretty awesome. He was a really funny, down to earth guy, and he had words for a lot of people. I was more excited about the words he gave other people than what he said to me. When he was speaking to others I could see clearly that this guy truly hears from God because the things he was saying were so right on to many people. He said to me to "Take it in," but before he said it he knew I had been spending so much time with God, but he kept saying "Take it in" over and over with his hand on my heart. Then he described me as a vessel and related the story of Gideon breaking the jars with his 300 men. He said something about being a vessel inside a vessel and a huge fire burning in me that was almost ready to be let out or something along those lines. When the apostle came a week and a half ago he said to me "Your almost ready to go, aren't ya?" To say that latley, I've been a little perplexed and confused and disheartened is an understatement. Because I have felt all these things along with trying to be a motivator and trying to carry the wisdom God provides me with and trying to obey him when he tells me to speak, trying to discern his voice from my own stupid head. I've been completely torn up about the vagueness of my prophecy. I felt as if others had a rather more straight foward approach to theres, while mine was filled with laughter, beforehand he told me I had supernatural hair, and as he was trying to explain what God had in store he, struggled to describe it, which allows me to hope that what God has planned cannot be described by or through anyone. Maybe God wants me to take in more than in imaginable. I don't know, but I sure as heck wish I had a clue. This seems like a common theme in my life, never really being too sure of anything. I'm sure of God's love, infinite wisdom, and gifts, and all that great, wonderful stuff, but when it comes to my life and how God wants to use it, and what his will is for it, I could hand you a blank piece of paper and tell you this is what I know on paper. I can write down everyone of my hopes and dreams, but it wouldn't matter because this life is not up to me and if I allowed it to be it would 1 cease to have existed by now or been in a steaming pile of coals and darkness. I do know I'm in the right place and going in the right direction, but unfortunately I can't see a foot in front of me, and know that everything behind me is not worth going back too. Because if I have to go back through all that again I might as well die. So all I can do is hope and have faith that things will eventually become clear to me, God willing. God is good, and I thank him for answering so many of my prayers and for moving so much, but I'm still not even close to being satisfied as far as him working in me goes. In other news I stopped writing poems, but for some reason I've been able to come up with some songs, tunes and lyrics in some of my classes.

Broken Deception

My prayer go out to those who don't have faith in Jesus
They may not see the heavenly eternity that seeks us (that seeks us) *echoes*
My savior didn't die on the cross so he could leave us
He died and lived again so God's kingdom would receive us (receive us) *echoes*
There are so many skeptics that refuse to believe us
They call out to the world beggin Satan to "Deceive us!" (deceive us) *echoes*

That was never apart of the plan
for man to depend on man
because to think that he can
would assume man's in command
I'm sorry man but God's in command
the heart and love of man is His demand
because he created man from the sand
that's how it all began
the breath of one's lifespan
now who's here to stand
at God's right hand
bringing salvation to the land
when everyone else ran

My prayer’s go out to those who ran from Jesus
They may lose out on the eternity that seeks us (that seeks us) *echoes*
My savior didn’t die on the cross so you would leave us
Now you changed so much that you refuse to receive us (receive us) *echoes*
The abandonment of truth is why you don’t believe us
Satan answered your cries when you said to “deceive us” (deceive us) *echoes

So I cry out for the lost
no matter, my exhaust
souls come at a higher cost
which is why He died on the cross
for a gain not a loss
to die is gain
which is why I remain
free from a chain
that bounds my name
He cleansed all my stains
so no longer is there pain
or reason to complain
Anticipate Jesus' reign
Earth will be his domain
and Satan will be slain

My praise go out to those who accepted Jesus
We will receive the heavenly eternity that seeks us (that seeks us) *echoes*
Soon there will be no reason for Him to leave us
Into His arms wide open He will receive us (receive us) *echoes*
and there is no reason for you to not believe us
Because Satan no longer has power to deceive us (deceive us) *echoes*

Heart of Prayer

2007-01-29T19:05:00.000-08:00

My Lord, I need to hear your voice, I can't stand not having a clue where I'm going. I mean I know I have a purpose and I know of your love Lord, and I know your plan for my life is beautiful and perfect, but I've heard to much of how you've spoken to people, and revealed to them part of their plan and Lord, that's what I'm asking of you now, is to just show me some of what's in store for me. I want so bad to just know exactly which direction I should go in being a servant unto you. I've given up every dream I had for myself. I gave up any dumb dreams I had when I was a little kid because I realize your will is so much better, but I still have no idea, or even a clue as to what your will is! I mean I may have ideas, but I pray the right idea pops out from the back of my mind and is completely revealed, just so I know. God I love you and adore you and I want to spend my life with you, in your presence, and I want to hear from you. I feel like Elijah being in the desert not hearing your voice for 40 days, but God I'm not running from you Lord. I'm right here, asking you what to do. God my heart longs for you, longs to spend time just talking and enjoying myself with you. Thank you for answering my prayers, thank you for healing my mom, thank you for moving so much in peoples lives that I pray for, and I pray you continue to do so. You are so good to your people Lord, even though often times we fall short of living like we should. Your grace spares us daily and spares us doubly when we screw up. In Jesus name I pray, that I'll have a good week, that the prophet will speak into my life and I will see your face more and more! Let me see an Angel! I love you Lord! Amen!

On Hold

2007-01-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight was awesome at Durag, I got to worship God with my whole heart, it was explosive and I was like drunk in the Spirit, it was awesome. I also have kind of lost hope for my poetry, I realized tonight that my writing is nowhere near as good as others writing so I'm kind of going to just put it all on hold for a while, I'm not even going to attempt to write any poetry for a while in less God presses it on my heart to write something or maybe its not as bad as I have made it out to be, but in either case, I'm going to start going to the open mic poetry nights to try and get better at speaking out my poems, but I really don't have any purpose to write unless God will annoint more words, simply because I don't need another hobby. I don't need to write meaningless poetry unless God is going to use it to work for others, so I was really torn apart about whether when I write if it is a waste of time, or if it is a God given talent because if it is I want to use it to serve, if it isn't than I don't want to waste my time with it. Anyway, tonight was amazing regardless of how I feel about my poetry, but as I was reading my second poem Holy Spirit gave me a pat on the back so to speak so if nothing else I guess that was worth it. I'm going to bed now because I'm very tired. Peace and God's Love!

Cross Over to the Christ

2007-01-10T21:12:00.000-08:00

The whole entry I wrote before about doubting things made me realize a couple things. The first of which is not to take that entry too seriously because I realize that when Christians doubt certain things, it really is the devil playing with our minds, he is basically whipering things in our ears in attempt to make us question what we believe, even when there is plenty of proof of the things God has done for me and many others. Also I'm glad to be back at school, and already I can meet with God and feel his presence easier, and it's just a blessing to know that he is with me and is helping me in areas I need him to. I want to just ask forgiveness for not always fully trusting him like my heart should be doing, but I'm growing still. I also want to be forgiven for any other minor stupid things I may have done that are just a waste of time that may distract me from walking with God better. God knows my heart, and he knows that I want to serve Him and meet with him, and that is where my desires lie. I know he will be doing amazing things in weeks to come in my life as well as many of those around me which is awesome. I'm pumped. In other news I listened to a sermon tonight about desiring to meet with God more and on higher levels and I definitely am striving towards that, and in the sermon the pastor mentioned a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. So I google quoted and found a bunch of quotes I really like by him. I'll put them in so the reader can see them and be reminded why there is a whole day devoted to this man/martyr/servant of God. I'm starting to realize how blessed and annointed this man was, and it's unfortunate I did not realize these things sooner. We learn so much about the MLK that was the Civil Rights leader, but so little about this mans heart for God which was so much more important than anything else. Sure this man did amazing things in helping African Americans receive equal rights, but what this man did for God is measured far greater in heaven and I'm sure he is happy where he is in his place in heaven. Here are some quotes now:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
(not sure what that one means)

"It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it."

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?' " (think about being selfless)

"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. " (Think about how people accept the minor reasons to doubt God rather than accepting the major reasons as to why he does exist)

"The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But... the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?" "

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." (think Ted Hagard)

Now altought these are all MLK's lesser known quotes I feel they are all powerful and I couldn't even find or remember the one I heard that was awesome, but nonetheless I am amazed just at these. I think about how this world and how the people in it are misguided, and so many people lack knowing the Truth because they are consumed in their worldly possessions and all it has to offer. I don't really have much else to say, Unfortunately I'm still kind of hoping God will give me some kind of help or vision for my life. So I'm going back to the Word and praying right now. Here's a poem:

Ghazal "On the Cross"

I guess you forgot to say good-bye on the cross
I’m sorry about the escape you didn’t try on the cross

I’ve been dead a while now, three days strong in fact
I’ve been broken down, remember my cry on the cross

They cursed and laughed at you while you were helpless
You chose not to shout back, that doesn’t fly on the cross

After you are taken down the crucifix you will once again walk
And one day you’ll come back to Galilee you don’t rely on the cross

Forgive me Jesus, for not being able to protect you
Your destiny was the one they chose to crucify on the cross

Look at the God that you bow to, he can’t save himself
Everyone point and laugh at the guy on the cross

The tears drip down my face to hydrate me
There is no way to survive; I look to the sky on the cross

And now James, look to be cleansed from your sins
Because for you I have chosen to die on the cross

Doubting Yourself

2006-12-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

So seeing how I have nothing to do over the course of this break, I've been reading my bible daily, trying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, trying to help the situation around me, and trying to enjoy myself, I've also been writing some poems. However, I don't necessarily like the direction my poems have gone that I have been writing in the past couple of days, I've accepted it. In other news, I've been spending my nights around the town going ice skating, playing night dodgball behind various schools, and driving around aimlessly with good company. So break has been pretty fun, but also pretty depressing. Anyway here is what I have been working on:

No Doubt in the End

In spite of it all
There’s been a loss of control
The loss of some lives
Of both young and old
It never mattered in the beginning
It still doesn’t matter in the end
To all those that found sinning
Something worthy to defend
What good did it ever do?
Hell on earth, is what it has made
All that the world holds true
Are words that continue to fade
Have the blessings been counted?
Or did the failures cancel them out?
Suppose that love fails
Would there be more reason to doubt
Does the love of God sustain?
Is there ever understanding?
It seems some love the pain
That comes with hard landing
The fall of man into hell
The unfortunate fate of most men
But imagine that all will be well
Even when no one else can
The dream of every human soul
Worshipping God in the holiest place
Fill every heart and every hole
Dreams that comes to pass by His grace

Doubt Comes to an End when the End Comes

What if it never comes?
Then who was made the fool
All this time spent waiting
Obeying every single rule
All the hopes and all the praise
The longing in one’s heart
For the day the dead would raise
And the sky would divide apart
Heaven would open and fall to earth
The believer’s souls would be redeemed
Every second suffering was to be of worth
The prophecy fulfilled or so it seemed
All those saw what John saw
And there was no reason to disbelieve
Every human soul stood in awe
For a blessing to be received
The glory it could have been
And the hope that it still can come
Maybe there’s no way to win
But the faith remains in some
Salvation never seemed so far away
Because their isn’t a single happy face
And even on a good day, no reason to stay
People just want to leave this place
But if for some sickening reason
This depressive world is meant to be
There’s hope that in this season
It will come to an end, so fittingly

No End to this Doubt

What if He never comes to my home
Then what am I to do
Because maybe I was alone
All those times I talked to you
All I could do was await
A second coming that never came
And all I’m left with is my faith
Faith that was all in one’s name
I banked my life on you father
Please don’t let me down now
Before I slip away even farther
Please come back to me now
You say you never left me
But you tell me who left who
When you’re up there in your glory
And I’m here suffering for you

Now I could understand how one could read these poems and think the writer struggles with some stuff that seems a little intense. I could also understand how these poems may lead a reader to doubt some intense stuff. And I could also understand how one could say doubt signifies a loss of faith. But my question is, for one to continue to believe yet to be filled with so much doubt, is that not a good thing? Think about it because there are a lot of unexplainable things, and sometimes even though it may be the devil working an succeeding I even doubt my God. And I don't doubt Him because I don't believe in Him, I simply doubt him because I look at the perdicament I'm in and just shout, "Where the Heck Are Ya?" I'm here looking around seeing the walls crumble down, and you know I've been in this situation before and I've waited before, but sometimes I'm confused whether you God have helped me out of the situation or if I've just walked over to a new set of walls and avoided the area that has been crumbling. Because often you know it seems like I just allow things to crumble because I pray about things, it seems like God doesn't answer and then eventually I just forget about stuff. Like most things in life with most people, when poop hits the fan, people just move on. People without knowing God get by easily, so what's to make me think that I just didn't get by, by coincidence. No doubt God's looking out, but I start to question, how blessed am I really? Granted my attitude has changed a lot, I'm happy with life, I personally have no real horrible outlook on life as I used to. Granted everything around me still appears to be screwed up. Granted I still feel alone amongst many individuals and granted things are nowhere close to perfect, and I'm sure God has helped me through most of it, and I'm thankful Jesus died for my sins, and I'm filled with joy when I receive the Holy Spirit, and it seems like no matter how much God throws at me that is positive and that is suppose to be of him, like I could witness someone being healed right before my very eyes, like see a limb grow back, but you know what I'd still have doubt in me. To me it just seems like it's only logical to doubt. Until I see the changes in me and around me that my heart desires I will doubt because I want to be blessed more. I want people around me to be blessed. There is no point to life unless God is going to work in us abundantly. I don't want this half-ass God serving me and I don't want to serve a half-ass God. And maybe all that means is I need to do a better job, but it's the same old same old folks. There is never enough I can do, there is never enough you can do. I devote my time I pay my dues, I pray, but ultimately it's not in my time, it's in God's time, so sometimes all you can do is just what your doing, and if that's doubt, than that's what it's got to be. But the second you take your doubt and allow that to be a reason for you to stop believing in a God that can do miracles signs and wonders, the second you take that doubt and refuse to go seek out the Holy Spirit and be filled, the second you take your doubt and say there is no such thing as sin and refuse to accept that Jesus died for our sins, is the same second when you've probably stamped your invitation to Hell. So go ahead criticize me for doubting, but your not going to convince me that doubt isn't apart of this whole faith thing. I've been thinking a lot lately about if it is possible to doubt and still claim to have faith, and I wrote down that question in my devotional and I realized, I don't listen to worship music and sing to God, and pray, and read my bible out of habit because I some of those things I do more than others, and my attitude is willing to do those things because I enjoy it. I enjoy seeking out God, I don't enjoy doubting but I do. And I'll agree that my faith needs to be stronger, but other than that their is no argument. Of course you can have faith and doubt. That's why it's faith and not fact. That's why some people don't believe at all. Peace out, God Bless!

Calling God for an Answer

2006-12-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

If I was a reader I wouldn't even bother reading this. In fact I'd encourage you to stop before I thoroughly confuse you and myself. Basically I'm attemtping to work through this state of mind of impatience. Impatient because nothing changes around me for the better, impatient because I can read the word of God and get little to no knowledge out of it. Impatient because time moves so slow yet so fast at the same time. I slept most of my days away. I don't mean just during my break so far, I'm just talking about life in general, so much time wasted that seemed to fly by. All days of public school are behind me, but realize I'm happy with that. I take notice that I never did so much of the things that the rest of the world or at least kids did in high school. I mean me and other friends were I guess the odd ones out, and sure part of it was because I chose to be; I didn't want to go by what everyone else was doing, didn't want to fall into the whole school spirit, school dances, and party aspect of school. I wanted to keep to myself and enjoy the friends I had that were different. What does this have to do with anything is basically that I avoided the world but at the same time I didn't do nearly a good enough job seeking God. Maybe if I had, I could have helped some more people along the way instead of seeing them suffer now. I guess I refused to be used, or just didn't have enough wisdom to understand it, but once again that's my own fault, It's always your own fault for the most part. I mean I'm sorry I can't understand God, I'm sorry back in high school I was such a failure when it came to seeking out God, I'm sorry my faith was weak, I'm sorry God didn't reveal himself more to me, but once again that's my fault, all my fault, is it ever not my fault? No, it's always our own fault, but I've never wanted to take the blame. I mean I came to an already thouroughly messed up world. It was like this before I got here, but I was born into sin, I never stood a chance at coming close to perfection. I was counted out the minute I was born, knowing that my whole life I would have to strive to measure up to something that can't be measured up to. My whole life striving to attempt to live life to live perfectly for a second, but constantly being reminded of how flawed we all are. Who's fault is that, mine too? Adams for eating the forbidden fruit? Eve for tempting him? Satan for deceiving her? God for allowing all of it? If any of this is this case, then life is meant to me this screwed up, I meant to amount to nothing no matter what I do on this earth. Maybe I'm meant to never make a difference in the lives around me when all I desire is to see everyone saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and living for God, but I truly cannot blame people for not understanding. Will you look around for two seconds in how this world is? I'm surprised by the little faith God has blessed me with. I sometimes surprise myself that I am able to worship something I've never seen in its full glory, something I've never heard or at least know Ive heard. If God or an angel were to come to anyone, whetehr they walked in faith or not, I'd say it is very likely they would follow the will that has been placed on their lives just as Mary did. Believer or unbeliever I think they would suffer if an angle or God directly spoke to him, but what I have is the word of God in written form, unbeknownst to me if it has been changed or altered, I just take it for what it is and believe it because I have nothing else to believe in because I have no good reason to doubt. But I mean some people do seem to have good reason to doubt, I mean they think sin is fun and for the most part it can be if you don't feel guilty for partaking in it. But if I so much as say one wrong thing I immediately feel guilty, if I so much as forget to read my bible for a day I feel guilty, I guess that's a blessing of sort because God is holding me accountable, but what about those who aren't held accountable those who are lost and completely happy with their lives. It makes me wonder how lost they truly are. Because I one who is not "lost" if I screw up such as they I am worse off than them. I am not bitter because of this I am blessed again because I know right from wrong and God does indeed hold me accountable so I know what to and not to do. But at the same time when most everyone else around me does not know and does not abide by this principle how am I suppose to feel. Why should they listen to anything I have to say, if I tell them they are wrong? Because after all there could be hundreds of others telling them its okay, if they want to know for sure God needs to be the one to tell them not me. And if God were to use me, you'd think he'd speak through me instead of me stumbling over every word. But once again my fault right, yes indeed its my fault. I mean what do I have to do, if I knew I 'd do it, if it meant leave everything I have, if it meant dropping everything never seeing any family or friends again, present the oppurtunity and 'll go God because quite frankly my life is pretty meaningless. Sure I have some poetry I can write, sure I had this little dream of being a professional wrestler since I was 2, and sure I have family and friends that I love less than you God, but ultimately none of it has taken me places. The fact that not too many people even care to read my poems isn't taking me places, the fact that I have not done anything to pursue this worldly dream of being a pro wrestler has taken me nowhere, the fact that I love my family and friends has brought me a few steps backwards due to the fact that I hurt to know that most of them don't share my faith. I mean what do I have to even live for other than for fulfilling a purpose that I can't even come close to imagining. I mean I wish I had a clue, I really did, maybe a hint in the right direction instead of a confusing dream or confusing vision or a vague prophecy given that says "God wants to use you wherever you go" like what does that even mean, yeah I freakin want him to use me wherever I go and if you think for two seconds I'm not willing than guess again because I have no other reason to breathe, I breathe in hopes of that day when I see my family and friends all saved and rejoicing because God has done amazing things, I live for the day when maybe you know God can use my desire to be a pro wrestler to glorify him maybe, or live for the day when someone could read something I wrote a poem or anything and shed a tear because they think something I say may make a little bit of sense to them isntead of making a little bit of sense to everyone but not enough sense to change a life. Because it gets to the point where you think you can have all these hopes and desires and just see them behind a glass case that I can't break through, just put on my heart and mind as a trick from the devil just to make me suffer because nothing I do can ever be good enough, nothing I do can never truly bring me to a place where I can say everything is completely okay in the world, and sure I have no reason to complain about my life, sure I have a cold as I write this, but I'm not gonna die, sure I got a couple of C's this semester, but thats better than getting a D or failing, and sure I have no idea what to do with my life, no idea what to do with myself but God does and I guess that's all I can rely on is God, and just have faith that his plan is worth waiting for whatever it may be, because quite frankly I have nothing else to bank on, my skill has only led my to failure more times than I can count, relying on myself has led me to fail countless times, just read anything I've written before going to college. I mean sure you don't have access to it, but I do and I've read it over and over again, looking back at how pitiful I was, how lost I was, how I would cry almost every night about not wanting to live, I haven't been that much of a baby in at least 5 months which is amazing to me which is thanks to God because I thought I was meant to hate my life forever, I thought I was meant to be miserable until I die, but I myself am happy with how my life is right now, but that doesn't mean I don't want more for myself and more importantly those around me. I can only ask why I don't have more, but I know the answer to that, and it's my own fault, because I myself have come to a point where I don't know how to have more. I don't know what to do as usual. I'm alone in this basically. I look to one side and see people with such faith that it's sickening, people with such faith that even when they don't do miracles or don't really have anything to say, say it and still believe God has worked even when he hasn't visibly, people who pray the same prayer for someone even when no healing has occurred, when it takes the same time to heal whether they've been prayed over or not, but you always blame someone for not having enough faith, more faith, more faith, more faith, I wish it were that easy to say those words to say the words, devil don't tempt me and never be tempted again to say the words more faith and have faith to literally move a mountain. Why doesn't that happen? Then there are those at the opposite side of the spectrum, those who are so burnt out that they just follow this pattern of principle, this pattern of just do what the word of God says and go through the motions of going to church but never actually seeking after him. I've been there and when I was there I wanted to die, that's not the place to be for me. How about those that don't believe at all? I mean does doubting some things make me a horrible person. Does that condemn me or them? I mean when I doubt I seek, and when I don't find I continue to doubt until that changes. I mean sometimes I doubt when people pray for healing that someone will be healed simply because I don't believe that person has the gift of healing, I especially don't believe it when someone prays over me and nothing happens immediately, if I doubt that am I a horrible person. Is that against God's law? Sorry, it's my fault, I don't have enough faith yet, I mean heaven forbid your faith might be lacking because I don't know your heart so I don't judge you which is why I blame myself, which is why sometimes I am disappointed with myself for not having total faith in others abilities. Which is why sometimes I choose to be alone and sometimes I think it better to be alone with God, because I just don't want to put up with the confusion I am caused by everyone else around me. Sorry, that's my fault for being easily confused or deceived, more faith right. But I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I know my heart and I know what I truly desire, and I know I don't desire to screw up, but I am not always comprehending God's will for me, I am not always doing what God tells me, maybe because I don't recognize, but I know that desire to know and I desire to do, and that is why I refuse to condemn myself because I have enough faith to know that as long as I live, I have a purpose to fulfill. So I'm done with this passage, but I will end off with a poem that I put together from a series of lines I wrote over time and added to all tonight. I hope it makes sense, I just wrote whats on my heart, and what popped into my mind. God Bless and enjoy the poem:

Desires to be Fulfilled

Who's to say that what I say has no been said before?
Who's to say that when I pray, God listens to me no more?
I say that I discouraged for being merely just a man
but honestly who am I to question, the Almighy One's plan?
And things do not go just as man has once expected
but this not mean that you're one that God has rejected
Because God does not leave his people alone in the dark
When He called out a flood He told Noah to build an ark
So we know when we are lost that God provides a light
Just open the eyes of your heart; salvation is in sight
When life get's hard you should remember it's worth the fight
and don't blame God; instead, blame Adam for taking a bite
But when you bite into sin, know that God will bite back
He convicts you not to harm you, but to set you on track
I find myself asking why I along with many others ever disobey
Look at the world and how it twists a message worthy to convey
Jesus died so the Holy Spirit would be the one to have domain
Yet so many believers find Him to be something to constrain
He should be running rampant and lighting fires in our hearts
Yet debates that cause division, divide the Body into parts
Baptist, Catholic, Pentecostal, Evangelical, we are all on in the same
Jesus did now want division he wanted unity to tie in with his name
Let this nation be indivisible under God, with liberty and salvation for all
Instead of a nation of lackluster believers causing one another to take a fall
A little more faith, love, and willingness, aren't those the only things we need?
These are the things my heart desires, so under one allegiance, I will plead
Allow all the glory to go to God because he has led us down a purpose driven path
So long as you accept his Word and find salvation you will be spared from his wrath.

To Your life

2006-12-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back at home and while I'm home I'm hoping for some amazing things to happen working through God. Tonight I went to the mall around 9:30 and as I was walking around I realized how much I don't like the mall. It could be because I was there alone, but in either case I don't like it, nor did I find anything worth buying or that I could afford. So I went to the book store at the mall and was looking at a possible Christian book that I may want to read during break, and unfortunately I could not find a single one that interested me. I saw a bunch of self help Christian books, and living your life with God, along with a whole bunch of books about things that argue against the bible, but nothing of real value. I mean its hard to find a book that can teach me something about walking with God and a relationship with him, other than the bible. The bible ultimately is your best bet, and then basically live your life as a book to try and be used for the glory of God. I was so frustrated picking up different books and being like okay this just doesn't seem to be very helpful. So I realize ultimately I have to learn the things necessary from God because his wisdom is so much more mighty than anyone's book on the shelf that I was looking at. While I was looking I also came across a book entitled "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris, and realized this man was bitterly against anything having to do with Christianity. I felt it necessary to go to his website and write him a letter stating that America was the furthest thing from a Christian Nation because the Holy Spirity is lacking compared to so many other countries. A lot of people in America have the Christian front, but open them up and their cover is very misleading. I myself was the same way, and I'm still not even close to perfect by a longshot, but I do know I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, I know I believe in God, and I know I've felt the Holy Spirit come over me on many occasions, and I know for a fact many people in this country that if you say the words "Holy Spirit" too they will look at you dumbfounded. We are not in a Christian Nation, not by a longshot, but if we were I guarentee we would be living in a very beautiful place. I don't have much else to say now, but I will hopefully the next time I write, so I'll just end off with a poem I wrote a while ago:

Title to your Life

What we have here is a story of irony at it's best
One would have thought the lies you tell would be given a rest
Not too mention you're a broken record
anoter record broken
for the most times you've repeated yourself
I've heard it all before
from the girl next door
You knew that she broke my heart too
She shared the same half-truths as you
Your a spitting image
A spitting image of all those who spit on me
You glorify that in which deserves no glory
Sing your praise
in hopes of better days
Abandoned faith, parted ways
Enter into a better blaze
It's mind bending
how you bend your mind
to break off your ties
You broke away from the only thing
that lets your spirit rise
Perhaps, you have something new to live for?
You bleed for a cause
but what caused you to bleed
Did you do this to yourself?
Is this your cry for help?
So you tried to inscribe
your message in blood
The very stain of your shame
is washed away in a flood
Yes, patience were lost
Yes, boundaries were crossed
It seemed no progress was made
Yes, you are broken in mind
but your problems are defined
Now look to be saved

This poem is about how our relationships with God are rocky ones, how we constantly tell God we will do our best to not sin again yet at times we fall short, how we are broken records repeating ourselves at times. It's almost as if God's voice is speaking in the poem. When we sin it's as if we are spitting on him and crucifying him all over again and we get a taste of hell and how bad it is. It's easy to not act upon sin and ollow God yet at times we ignore him. When we should not even live for anything else but God and when you do your cries for help won't be ignored. God's forgiving and He knows we need his help so if you haven't received salvation, then receive it, if you want to fill yourself up and rededicate your life too him, don't waste your time with other things and do it. Live for him, serve him, love him with your whole heart before all else. God is love, and Jesus loves us forever and ever. Please do yourself a favor and find God, feel the Holy Spirit and walk as Jesus did. God Bless!

Reject Acceptance and End Freedom

2006-12-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a bunch of jumbled thoughts of things about this week. All in all my week has been good thus far. Tuesday night was the Chi Alpha Christmas dinner which was fun, good food and fellowship, and that night I finished my English Research Paper so that was cool. Wednesday I worked on another paper all day and studied for my final, Thursday I took my Global Politics final and I got a B in that class as my final grade which is pretty cool since I started out with a low D after the first test which was 25% of my grade. God was good like always and helped me through it. I also found out that an E-coli oubreak happened in Taco Bell's in New Jersey, I think this was God's way of telling me not to eat so much Taco Bell because it might be a sin. So when I go home I'll try to eat Taco Bell 2 times a week or less. But luckily God has spared me from any E-coli because that would not be very fun. Thursday night was also DURAG which was pretty cool, but after DURAG I was doing some bible study and was reading in 1 John 5 and was confused by some scripture. I've realized I need to be praying more for wisdom in God's word. I've been reading scripture and been amongst discussions and have been reading the Heavenly Man, and have been trying to figure out the true reason, why are there are so few on fire believers around. I mean many times I myself am not filled with the fire, but I desire it very much I know that for sure. There is way too much going on in America. I wish I was less focussed on anything around me, any posession, I don't want anything holding me back from God, but in America there is entirely too much holding us back, there is too much acceptance of different things. Our country has become so liberalized in ideas, that we just accept anything and everything even though most of which is entirely unacceptable, it's become acceptable for teenagers in highschool to drink, it's become acceptable, to abort babies, it's starting to become acceptable to be homosexual, it's become acceptable to do drugs namely in Colorado where marijuana is legal. In a way the people who are unaccepting and seem to be mean people are really more in the right. It seems our country is getting to the point where there is no break of moral code. Sure it's still illegal to murder, but it still happens, wars are still going on, There is no fire of God because a good job has been done to allow Satan to take control, and he has deceived so many people into thinking that so many things are okay. But listen up, if you willingly fill your lives with this garbage, your going to die, you will not have the gift of eternal life, you will never know Truth on this earth. You will live amidst your lies. It hurts to know that people are so deceived by the devil that even Christians have allowed certain things to just be okay in their eyes. But, I am so desperate to know the Truth in God's word, I mean sure some of the stuff is simple and I understand, but I want to know the Truth in all of it, I've come to this point where I cried out tonight towards the end of prayer that I no longer want to go home, back to New Jersey because when I go home it feels like I'm walking towards the Devil, I'm going to a place that may hurt my Spirit because the people around me are so dead in the Spirit, dead in life, there are those that have never known God and are dying and killing themselves with all their sinful desires, that will soon catch up with them and there are those that have turned away from God, those that think God will forgive them if they make no effort
to change. The Truth of the matter is if people seek out God with their whole heart and not worry about things of this world, God will take care of you. There so desperately needs to be revival and I really and truly believe revival on JMU campus is imminent, when I was praying for JMU tonight, it was the most the Spirit had poured out on me, God put it on my heart that it's close, but there are still things that need to be done. Though I still believe God will work in my family and friends, when I prayed for the campus God made me laugh because He was like its coming soon, very soon. But back to the whole family and friends thing. Basically I cried out to God and decided that if God does not either use me to change some lives when I go home for Christmas break I don't go back. If my mother is not completely healed, if lives aren't changed in those Christians that are asleep in God, and if God does not use me to bring people to salvation, I don't think I'm going back home. Because if these things don't come to pass than that means I am not yet strong enough in God to make a difference in the lives around me, and if I can't make a difference in those around me than my faith is truly weak. Sometimes, even right now I feel down in the Spirit because I feel so helpless. I'm tired of going home and losing everything I've gained from God here at school. He pours out so much more when I'm at school, reveals so much more to me, and I see lives changing more. At home, it's become a destruction to my soul. So unless I go home and see some dramatic changes in the lives of those around me, I'm not going back, guarenteed. It's not enough anymore that people are getting by in life. I think I've allowed that for many people in my life for a very long time now, and I even allowed myself to just get by for most of my life, but God has not given me one reason to complain about things not going well in my own life since I've been here unless I've fallen short for him which I feel I do at times when I fail to be used by him. I'm tired exhausted about thinking about the same family situations and same friendship situations back at home and crying out for them and not seeing or hearing of any changes. I'm tired of it, and I believe I remained pretty faithful to the cause. I need to see change for my Spirit to be raised more. Thank God for all the blessings he has poured out on me, but God please start to pour out blessings on those around me when I go home. Prayer tonight was also pretty cool because I had this image in my head that is pretty hard to explain, but I'll do my best. I saw almost a an entirely gold painting, but the pictures in the gold were basically drawn in black. The figures in the painting were a giant bird that was on fire diving towards the earth, I imagine that the bird was surrounded by a red fire and this bird was huge like an eagle of some sort, and as this bird was diving towards the earth, an upper torso of a man holding up a miniature cross towards the beak of the bird, was standing firm with a pained expression on his face. The bottom of the paper of the painting seemed to be ripped off or burned. I only say this for about 2 seconds. So that is as much as I can remember, but I also remember as it faded out it seemed like the bird turned into an airplane or a missile. I really am not sure exactly if this image or vision had any meaning. But what it seemed like was this man holding this cross outstretched towards the sky, was spared by this fire bird, or missile, or plain, that was heading directly at him, and he put up the cross and was spared by the grace of God. When I think about any meaning it's hard to not be a little scared, of the fiery bird or plane, or missile, but I pray my knowledge will grow more. Other than this vision and crying out and feeling the Holy Spirit, the only other thing I did was sit in silence, tonights prayer was once again awesome, but it was hard for me tonight because I am so desperate for things I've been praying for to play out. Like God fills me with his Holy Spirit, but I feel undeserving and I feel like it's being wasted on me because I know so many people that if they experienced it they would want more and more and I want more and more, but I don't know what more to do to seek after it, but God has been so good to me! One last thing I want to just make quick mention but is not exactly of importance, Way back during the beginning of summer I wrote a poem called "Our Clowning Achievements" and I posted it in my first blog. I make elusion to a song called "Send in the Clowns," and just today in theatre I found out there were actual lyrics to that song, I thought it was just an instrumental, and I found out the song is basically about a man and woman who's timing is horrible, they kind of like each other, but the timing of events in their life don't allow them to be together, when I wrote my poem I had this idea about people who are unsatisfied with life, but I can see how it relates to bad timing in the lives of humans. How we fill our time with so much garbage that when it comes time for church on Sunday that's when the show starts for some people, they put on their smiles and Jesus faces, and act like they've been living for God during the rest of the week when in reality the only time they make time for God is Sunday morning, that in a sense is bad timing. What if Jesus comes back on a Monday, and your Jesus face isn't on. It really makes me realize that time must be made for God and seeking out wisdom every day, Every day we should be in scripture, everyday we need to pray, even worship God, every single day and if you "don't have the time" make it because no one is that busy that they can't make time for God, and if you are that busy than your life is not where God wants it to be by any means. I'd have trouble believing that your life is where you want it to be if you don't have time for God. Anyway, that's all I have to say, so I'm gonna go to be and end off with a poem:

Freedoom Kills

And I will rip my heart out of my chest
Take in some air and give the heart the rest
Feel it beating in my hand
Now I'm in command
of my own destiny
Then I take a bite
So the blood fills my mouth
Bringing ease to swallow my doubt
So I can taste how cold I am
To all of those around me
to the darkness that surrounds me
I was speaking so profoundly
In the puddle of blood in which you found me
So this is why they associate
ones heart with love
I guess my heart does pour out
to something up above
This doesn't change the fact
that I don't cease to bleed
Drowning and choking on my own blood
at least my heart is freed.

Just now I've kind of realized how the freedom we have in America is killing Christians as believers. Freedom diminishes the power of our faith. Basically the images of darkness and blood symbolizes being tortured or suffering for God, and how beautiful it is because God will free our heart of the things that don't allow our hearts to fully pour out to God, and even though we may be drowning and choking on our own blood, as in if we were persecuted by our own country we would be free in a different way because we would realize more how valuable the Word of God, and the death of Jesus Christ was. Freedom kills our fire for God. God has put on my heart that I have work to do in another part of the country at some point in my life. For some reason he has really put India on my heart, I don't reall know anything about India, but he put it on my heart, and I believe it's a part of his plan for me. I hope people will wake up in America and find fire in their hearts and put more faith in Him, instead of all the comforts we have in life that make it so easy for so many of us to live.

Give me the Time Needed to do your Will

2006-12-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've been super busy writing papers and doing tons of work as of late, but decided to take a break to glorfiy the things that God has done recently. Last week was pretty amazing as far as lighting a fire in my heart. I'm glad I was well received by God because my break wasn't exactly very spiritually fulfilling, but I'm too blame for that. On Thursday night, DURAG was amazing. It was a pretty intense word about not making enough time for God and it made me realize how during my break I had so much time and there was no excuse for not seeking out God more. I guess I was a little to excited about seeing people I hadn't seen in a while. Next break I need to make God my number 1 priority even though he is by all means, I just need to take more time to set aside for God especially when I am on my own. It's easy when there are tons of organizations and plugged in with a church and people who walk in the same faith to stay close to God, but I need to get better at being able to walk with God when I am all on my lonseome. He has already put on my heart, that my home is anywhere I go because I can feel at home so long as I feel God's presence with me. Friday night at prayer was by no means normal. The first night I went prayer a month ago, it was amazing intercession and crying out to God for so many people in my life and people that I have never met. Then the next two times I met were a bit rocky, but this past Friday was a Divine Appointment like no other. The Holy Spirit was alive and kicking in full force. Pastor Paul gave me a word that God is going to use me not only on JMU but everywhere I go, which really made me think even more about doing Missions Work because if God wants to use me wherever I go than I should go to some different places, but as for now God still wants to use me at JMU. He also said I will do it with a certain gentleness which to me was a little weird because sometimes I can be insensitive and when I talk to people I tend to deal with them in a serious matter when I am frustrated with them, but recently I can see how I am becoming more gentle with those around me. I'm still excited and waiting for God to work in the lives of my family and friends and I know he will whether it be through me or someone else. Friday was so amazing, people were slain in the Spirit, I may or may not have been, but I definitely felt his presence among me and I'm sure everyone else did as well, I don't know if I couldn't stand but I know at times I did not want to, I just wanted to lay before him, and once Pastor Paul gave me a word and prayed over me I fell down and just laid there for about 25 minutes. It was an amazing night. Saturday I must admit I was a little lackluster, I did not really do anything and did not devote enough time to seeking God, I pretty much ate and slept and did work, I read my bible for about 5 minutes. Sunday morning church was awesome. I love when service lasts 3 hours, it's awesome! Afterwards, me and Aaron ate and had good fellowship for while, but then I had to go home and get started on more papers, but I had some good worship cd's to listen to which was awesome and encouraged me as I wrote my paper, i also prepared for my presentation that I presented Monday morning. I was so overjoyed and thankful that God used me to present his word to my English class, I could have cried because I felt so blessed that I was able to do this, and God gave me words to say and present. He was so good throughout the whole process of my Research Paper because he just led me to all the information and scriptures I needed to make an affective presentation. He is so good. Thank you God! Today bible study was also awesome and we got to worship for a little while afterwards. That's all I have to write about, but I do have a poem about something I've been thinking about as far as my family and friends being saved goes.

You Can Say Things Will be Okay All You Want, but Things Will Only be Okay When I Know That You've Accepted Jesus in Your Hearts on This Day

The other day
I heard you say
that everything would be okay

but then this morning when I awoke
My chest was swollen, my heart, it broke
Before I could weap I smelled the smoke

I walked to the door, I felt the heat
Jumped out the window, but didn't land on my feet
Then I got up and ran towards the street

I heard a scream my back was turned
I looked around, my house, it burned

And then I knew what I had to do
I had to go back in and rescue you

I ran back to the house kicked in the door
Heard you scream on the second floor

The devils flames made it hell on earth
but my life is less than what you were worth

Ran up the steps and through the fire
It was hotter and hotter as I went higher and higher

When I finally made it to your room
came the time when I was to meet my doom

I grabbed your hand, led you down the stairs
Your life was saved, an answer to my prayers

As fate would have it the roof above me falls
My flesh is dead, for my Lord's voice, it calls

And even though I may be forever gone from this earth
life is meaningless in comparison to what salvations worth

My mission was to make sure that in heaven we would reunite
which is why I have no qualm with God taking me tonight

The meaning behind this poem is how I will come to feel when I know that my friends and family get right with God and acknowledge him as their savior and when they accept Jesus Christ dying for their sins and accpeting him into their hearts. This is how I will feel when I know they have been filled with the Holy Spirit, and realize that the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, God is our maker and lover, and if we seek a relationship with him everything in life is taken care of. I would spare my own life to know that my friends and family would be in Heaven and I would get to see them there, and I have to make sure I get there as well, but at times I feel I would be willing to sacrifice myself to go to hell if it meant the salvation of all of them. I mean I can say that on earth, but I'm sure it would not be worth it because God's promise to us when we meet him in Heaven is a joy that is entirely too unimaginable to develop words for. But if I lived in a perfect world where everyone was saved, it would be so beautiful, there would be no reason to complain, which is why I may one day have to die for the word of God to be shared amongst others, and I would be totally willing to do that. People need to feel the power and joy that comes with an altercation with the Holy Spirit, but when can only receie this amazing feeling if they seek him and once they seek him enough they can be filled with the Holy Spirit at any time so long as an individual shows a hunger for his presence. Until the day comes I can only imagine what it will be like when I see my closest friends and family dancing and praising God with their whole hearts, but when that day comes, I will be filled with this comfort that I no longer have anything to worry about. I felt the need to give that poem a long title because I know there is quite of work to be done before I will see God move in everyone's life that I desire to see him move in.

Prayer for Brokenness

2006-11-29T21:00:00.001-08:00

So my last post was like two weeks ago. If there are any faithful readers other than myself, then yeah I'm not happy about it either. It's hard to always find things to write about. I guess things have been moving kind of slowly as of late, but very fast at the same time. The feelings I currently have are at odds because they confuse me. Break was last week and it was interesting; it was different because it was harder to seek out the God and I wasn't consumed in the Spirit as much as I have been at school. I've come to realize that being at JMU really keeps me in line with my faith. I never think that going to secular school with so much temptation around and so many people that do their own thing would be the place in which I keep myself in line. Over the course of break I can think of one instance where I disobeyed God which felt guilty for, but every time we sin we disobey God and guilt and conviction is a good thing because it forces us to either humble ourselves before the Lord and completely admit that we are failures in many areas of our lives. I speak for myself. Some may feel they aren't failures, but I'll be the first to raise my hand and say I am, well maybe not the first, but I'll raise my hand none the less. My speed has decreased drastically over the years. For me being home was both good and bad. I was happy to see my family and friends, and some things are going well, while others need work. I really feel God wants to use me whenever I am home so I need to be more willing to spread his word when I am home. I think I may have to be less sensitive to people's feelings when it comes to dealing with Jesus Christ. My heart cries out so much for my friends and family, I cried saturday, sunday, monday, and tuesday for my family and friends, and a lot for my mom, but when I cry I no longer look at it as a bad thing. I can remember when I was little I would cry just about every night, and it was the worst thing in the world, now it's not so bad. It's okay too mourn because that's when Jesus comforts us. It's truly beautiful too cry, it shows how sincere and badly you want something. I fear that my heart has become hard towards myself though. It's like when I fail God, I accept the fact that he will forgive me and not so much cry about being a failure. I consider that a bad thing. I hope God's not frustrated with me or has turned a cold shoulder to me, I read Hebrews 10:26 and it says, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of truth, no sacrifice for our sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and raging fire that will consume enemies of God." When I read this I came to believe their is a number of times that God allows one to sin before his mercy let's up. It could be the devil either trying to confuse me or me being paranoid and wanting to give up because maybe I have failed God too much. Or the worst possible thing I can think of is maybe I no longer stand a chance at God's gift of eternal life. If that be the case, what would be the point of even living anymore. I also wonder what this may hold for other Christians. Maybe their number and mercy has let up too. This particular scripture has frightened me to the point where sometimes I doubt that I know my own heart. Like I start to get confused about things and worry that even though I read my bible and feel what I perceive to be God's presence, all of a sudden it all gets really confusing. Like there is the part of my heart, that loves reading Go'd word, loves hearing testimonies of people being saved, love to be in God's presence, and loves the fact that Jesus Christ died for my sins, I also love talking to others about how God has moved in my life, but then the same day, I question my own sincerity. I think to myself that maybe I'm just a fake, maybe I do all of this faith stuff because I'm so helpless that I have no idea what else to do, and maybe everything that has happened was just coincidence and things in my life are going extremely well. I have a hard time believing that because I think this is the longest I've gone without actually complaining about my life. The longest time of my life where I have been thankful for being alive. Luckily tonight Aaron helped understand the passage better. I mean reading that passage hasn't stopped me from seeking after God by any means. Now I should also make mention that I prayed a prayer for God to break me. So along with that, I'm being prepared to fill up with much information and wisdom of the word, so when I go home I God can use me to win some souls for his Kingdom, and so I can see my friends and family in heaven. Because what does it matter if I am saved, if the people I love are not. Even the people I don't necessary are entirely too fond of I want to be saved. Why have I written so much? I don't
even have a poem to write with this. Actually I kind of do:

Broken into the Light

See the broken moonlight
as I sit alone with you
Amazing how there was no word
if there was a word
it wasn't heard
because my self-centered mind
thinks I stood a chance
at standing on my own two feet
without your help
See the broken moonlight
and though I see it
I feel as if it's trying to show me more?
Are you tring to show me more?
or am I just imagining what I want to see
because no one wants to be alone with me
and no one wants to see what I hope to see
They need to see the broken moonlight
to know how broken things can be
Broken things namely my heart
it's not your fault it was mine to start
And how I wish I could see the moonlight
in all it's glory, in all it's might
as it shines in the endless sky so bright
How I wish I could be with you
under the sky, through and through
By faith I know your love is true
As the broken moonlight
comes out from behind it's clowd
my heart will praise you oh so lowd
then I'll pray with my head bowed
that I will be taken to the Holy Place
And I can only get there by your grace
So make my love pure and for you alone
And when it is your will, Lord take me home

The reason I did not think I had a poem to write was due to the fact that this particular poem, at least the first half of it was written for a girl, up until the stanza that ends in start. I'm not going to say who it was written for because that's no one's business, but now it is written for God. I'm not really too sure what the broken moonlight metaphor even means in this context, but I can imagine it has something to do with the fact that as of now I can only see or feel a very small part of what glorious things God has to offer. It talks about how I am alone with him and talk to him or I may be quiet before him, and how sometimes I sit before him, hoping he will work miracles immediately. It even makes mention of how sometimes i question things like when it says, "Are you trying to show me more?" God wants to reveal more of himself to him so long as we are willing to seek. Sometimes I get down and feel alone and feel like no one will ever put up with me and I get very hard on myself. But even though sometimes I get upset with myself or things in life, I still have such hope like, hope I can't even describe that I will one day see God in all his Glory and it will be amazing. As I keep seeking God and as more of him is revealed to me and as amazing things happen, my faith will grow to levels I could never imagine and one day by his grace I will be in his kingdom forever praising his name. Peace and God's Love

I wrote this to my friend Ben at 1:15 in the morning. I just wanted to put it in here for my own memory:

I just want it to be known that there are a lot of things that I don't understand about life, there are a lot of things that I don't like to accept, but I do, and I get upset about a lot of things, and I wish I could say that I always had a close family to come home too. But I truly believe and may be certain about this more than any other thing I've ever thought I've known or believed in my life, that everything in my life has happened because God has allowed it and it's apart of his plan, and I can't do anything about it. I no longer can do anything in my life and be happy, in less I feel God is putting it on my heart to do so, and as I've been in school I've learned that the people I've grown up with, I can't be with on this earth forever, but if even I can have the hope that I can live eternally with them in Heaven, I would believe in just about anything because I so badly want to live in peace and harmony with those I love forever.

Great is thy Faithfulness

2006-11-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

I would have thought I'd have more to write, I was on a good run, writing almost every day way back when, but it seems like I don't have as much to write about, just like in life I don't have much to say. I've been thinking a lot lately about being quiet before the lord because of the power that any individuals words can have both good and bad. Me and John were talking about it and it was already on my mind, but it got me thinking about it more and more about how often I used to and still often do use my mouth to speak of useless things. Things that aren't necessarily bad, but are not productive either, and all over the bible God warns us about what we do with our mouths. For example in James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry." Everyone pretty much knows this one, but I've been attempting to practice this more often simply because I want to hear what God has for me to do, and I don't want to miss a second of what he may or may not reveal to me. I could be wasting time talking about how funny or good my day was and maybe during that time God is like what about how good I am. What about how many things I do for you my child. Why don't you praise my name right now. Now I'm not saying we should never speak of anything but God and at the same time I'm saying it would be a great idea to only speak of God all the time, but in James 3:1 it says, "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." This part is so true because think about how often, even in recent times with Ted Haggard, the pastor who was recently caught in a scandal. To teach the word of God means you will be put at the chopping block for every little thing you do and not only that Satan will be targeting you more heavily. I'm not saying this should discourage us from being teachers, I'm just saying God does not always want you to talk about God because sometimes when we talk about God we say the wrong thing. We should talk to others about God when God either puts it on our heart or is speaking through us, but during those other times we should just be watching our words so to speak. James 3:5 says, "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts." I can say that often among Christians and non-Christians alike people boast about things that aren't necessarily true. Sometimes I question whether boasting about how God has used both me and others is really encouraging or discouraging. I mean of course people should praise God for what he has done, but there have been times when I've heard how much God has been working in some people's lives and I myself get discouraged. Whether they intended to do that or not, I myself start to feel like this person must be more righteous than me, even though no man can put a tag on righteousness. As I read on further in James I discovered in James 3:14 it states, "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in you hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth." Now sometimes I also wonder whether or not as a Christian when you are begging God to use you more and more and it's not happening whether it is selfish to want God to use you. Because when I read this verse when it says do not boast about it, I get the impression that we should never even speak of the things we do for Christ, but at the same times how fine is the line between boasting and simply sharing what God has done. It's one of those confusing things I pray for wisdom about. I think what it comes down to is frustration with myself for being so bad at speaking, like when I try and share God's word I stumble, and when so many others share it so well through God, I'm just like "What a bummer!" For anyone else who feels this way, here is my word of encouragement. Think of the word of God this way, it does not matter who presents it the best, nor does it matter whether it's you or someone else doing it so long as it is done. God will give us all our oppurtunities so long as we have the desire to be used, and it will take a little bit of patience, but remain faithful. Faithfulness is what God has been speaking to me from others Words and something he's been putting on my heart. And for those who are discouraged because they feel like they don't know God at all and feel like they can never hear him no matter how much they speak to him, I have another word of encouragement. "If you want to know God more, make yourself known to Him" and you can do this by getting into his word, praising him, and praying. I hope some of this made sense, but it's late so I'm just going to share a poem I started a month and a half ago.

Be Patient for Purpose

The message was so complicated
because nothing is what it seems
His ideas seemed entirely replicated
from my own hopes and dreams
This idea drawn out before me
how could it not have caught my gaze
My dream became reality
but someone else received the praise
When I heard him speak I knew
that all would perceive this man to be right
Whatever he was going through
the people had compassion on this night
Every eye and ear he captivated
it became part of his identity
But the ideals that he demonstrated
could not convince me to agree
My words were spoken from another
And at that time I surcame to envy
Instead of seeing him as a brother
I saw him sided with the enemy
Then my Lord, He shed some light
and told me that I should rejoice
The words were not mine to write
Because the word was God's voice
So it does not matter who he speaks through
Just as long as Jesus Christ is proclaimed
Be patient and God will certainly use you
Because for His glory you were named

The narrator of the poem is frustrated that the words God put on his heart were spoken by someone else. What the narrator does not realize at first is that God is the one who provided this mere mortal man with this wisdom, so it does not matter who speaks the words of wisdom because God should be the one receiving the praise for it. When the narrator is amongst the crowd he believes that everyone else will "perceive the speaker to be right" and for good reason because God is speaking through the speaker. However the narrator does not want to believe what is being spoken because he wanted to be the one to say the words of wisdom. But towards the end of the poem the narrator realizes God's word is God's word no matter who it is spoken through so long as the Spirit is leading it. The very end of the poem is basically the narrators realization and encouragement to the reader of the poem that God has given us all a purpose and as long as we remain obedient and faithful to God he will use us and show us his will over our lives and how much of a blessing is that! God Bless us for Him making that promise to us! God is good! Peace and Love!

The word is to love not to judge

2006-11-11T16:17:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here listening to David Crowder and was working on a history project, and thinking about how I've been wanting to write something because I haven't written anything in a while. I kind of feel like I'm in a waiting position right now because no real strides have been made. I mean I absolutely love life and how my relationship with God and spirit has become so much stronger than ever, so that's a huge blessing. However, I feel like I don't know what I can offer to God, I've been praying that he uses me more and maybe gives me words to write, but for like the past week I've started writing some stuff but can't finish it or end up being disappointed with it. It's like I'm not sure what I even want to say, what words I can write to make some sort of impact. I've been discouraged because like I've been craving something amazing to happen everyday and when it doesn't I get a little disappointed, but not everyday is going to be filled with blessings. I was a little worried Thursday and Friday because this guy came to JMU and called himself a preacher and was preaching a message of hate. I listened to him for an hour or so, and listened to people arguing and I opened my bible and read this scripture. 2 Timothy 2:14 "Keep reminding them of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen." At first I was disappointed that everyone was listening to this man and was like if everyone ignored him instead of arguing with him their wouldn't be a problem. But then I realized not then but almost right now that these mans words and the arguing between him and the crowd was ruining my mindset, it had a negative effect on my faith. I realize as a follower of Jesus Christ my faith is not strong enough where I can stand in the midst of arguing that is doing no good and in effect it negatively effected me over a couple of days. But God still found a way to use me which I also didn't realize until today. After an hour I went to my room to get my stuff for class I had at 3:30. As I was heading back to my dorm I overheard someone say "Let's throw a pie at this guy!" God wanted me to hear that. So I walked to my dorm and I knew I would have to walk by this preacher again to go to class. So as I was walking back I saw the false preacher covered in pie and then God spoke to me not allowed, but in my heart, he was like "You need to wipe him off and not say a word." So I went to the bathroom in Warren Hall, got a giant handful of paper towels, and walked up to the preacher on the hill and began wiping this man completely off. It was like I myself wasn't even doing it, but as I did it he stopped preaching and the giant crowd stopped yelling. I did not say a word or even look at a single person. As I wiped him off, the preacher whispered, "thank you" and I wiped him off until you could not see any more whipped cream from the pie. I said "God Bless" and walked through the crowd with my head down and walked off to class. That was on thursday, but God was basically I guess trying to show people that words mean nothing. You can argue all day, but it will mean nothing. I didn't want any acknowledgment for it, in fact I didn't even want people to know, but I told people in order to basically show a message through the whole thing, but today after me and Dan had lost first round in our racquetball tournament, we were walking back from UREC and a guy approached me who was amongst the crowd and told me he saw me wipe off the preacher and he said it was a kind act of love, so I thanked him for the compliment. The thing about God is, he may not always speak to us directly, he may allow some to hear his voice, but the thing is God doesn't always show us our plan through his words, he may give us a vision, he may speak through someone else, or maybe he just puts it in our heart. God doesn't show us love by saying in his booming voice "I love you." He shows us his love through his Holy Spirit, through healing, God's actions speak louder than words, and it was just the same with Jesus. Lately, I've been discouraged because I want to know my purpose and I've been like God speak to me so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what your will for me is, but I know God will reveal it to me one day. So I just need to be patient, and maybe one day when I dig myself into a whole and am covered up to my head in dirt or pie, he will wipe me clean and show me what his will is. Anyway I'll wrap this up with a poem.

Passing by judgment as judgment is passed

A crowd, once passerbys turned their attention
to man standing on a hill, so bold
But I should also make mention
that is heart was one that was cold
He spoke to condemn the broken
those who were caught up in the world
He never seemed to be outspoken
into the crowd, stones were hurled
So they stood and yelled profanities
when no one forces them to be still
To be amongst their individual insanities
would mean I would need a stonger will
Though I wanted to walk away
I decided to stay and wait
Who would have known that on this day
I'd hear a preacher speak words of hate
He spoke nothing of God's love
just of God's apparent hatred for sinners
But when push comes to shove
Jesus died to make us winners
If we so desire we must be willing to allow
God to come and live inside of our hearts
We humble ourselves, our knees will bow
and this is how our salvation starts
Instead their was just an argument
between every skeptic and every scoffer
Everyone so quick to pass judgment
No one saw what God had to offer
So I felt that it was time to walk away
there was no time for me to stay and wait
because apparently on this day
every spoken word was one backed by hate
Like every one of us the preacher had a need
His stain covered clothing was easily seen
After seeing the hate that his words did breed
My heart told me to make this man clean

See fit to Read it!

2006-11-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

Note: If you read any of my entries this should be it because this was not me writing it

I really should be in bed right now because I have to wake up for church tomorrow and I'm always usually tired when I get to church, but God put it on my heart to write a poem tonight, so I chose to make an entry. I went to Jason Upton concerts both Friday and Saturday night. Now it's Sunday early early morning. Anyway they were amazing concerts. He had a lot to speak about Friday night which touched me in many ways. I believe I'll be able to speak to many of my family and friends about God's glory and his existence and I especially want to talk to my father. It was an eye opening experience, he had such insight about life that I've never heard put in such a way before. It's obvious he's an annointed singer/songwriter. And he has an amazing way of expressing words of wisdom from God. He spoke about people not thinking for themselves Saturday night and how a custom people have become to just buying into the media and what the majority speaks of. I related it in my mind to how people drink and party and how when kids first start to take part in it they usually do it based on what others present as being the cool thing to do and so many kids buy into that. It's not likely that teens would go to a party and drink of their own volition, they do it because they don't think for themselves and see others doing it and they care so much about fitting in that they refuse to think for themselves and fall into a common belief that drinking and partying will bring you friends and popularity. Jason related it to politics and how the media constantly pushes the political views on people and people just believe what they see and base all their judgements off of newscasters. It's true, and it's sad the world works that way. But a lot of people fear thinking for themselves because they don't want to feel alone, if they can just conform to beliefs of the majority their mediocrity will be disguised in the midst of a sea of mediocrity. This makes it all the more clear that if people would seek truth instead of just believing false words, people would easily realize their is truth in the word of God. There isn't one principle in the bible that produces evil, man produces evil which is why the world is in the state its in. Because man chooses to ignore the word of God and they build man made empires that fall in instants and are made to collapse and if they don't collapse by another man, than God can use his power to collapse the empire, thus humbling man. I think America needs to be humbled. America needs to come to the realization that we can't be almighty and powerful because we are human, and unless we realize God created us equally to everyone else, our empire will fall in an instant. I assure you unless an enormous revival occurs, unless we realize in America not to be so self centered and quest for wealth and power, then the empire will fall, but maybe thats what America needs, maybe America needs to fall in order for people to realize they must seek God because his word is Truth, and the Truth will set you free. So that's what God put on my heart, in all honesty my fingers have never typed so fast nor did I have any idea of what I was going to write before I wrote this so I don't even know what I just typed but I will read it tomorrow. I just want to put up my poem now and get some sleep so I can be awake during church tomorrow. So here's my newest poem:

See it fit to be Selfless

When I sit and ponder
I question the things I've done wrong
and the things I didn't do right
I try and justify the means
by saying what I mean
wasn't what I meant to do
and the things I do wrong
aren't necessarily what I mean
I often use the excuse
My mistakes are unintentional
And I am not at fault
What happens when I have no one else to blame?
Do I dare take the blame for my own downfall?
But before you become quick to judge me
for not wanting to admit that I'm wrong
Look at yourselves
Your awfully quick to convict
and you'll condemn mortal men
however, when you are in the wrong
you attempt to point out all the ways
in which you believe you are superior
to those that surround you
It's common to not want to blame yourself
and common to deny your shortcomings
which is why you begin to seek out
things that will disguise your mediocrity
You seek others that self satisfy
others that are so heart set
on satisfying themselves
that they have no time to notice your flaws
you conform to a way of thinking
that is so self serving that your
not even thinking for yourself
Because everything else is telling you
"Look out for number 1" and "help yourself"
"love yourself over all else"
In spite of all those worldly words
there are words of wisdom through Jesus
"Love your brother like you love yourself"
and "Love your enemies"
These words save you from being selfish
yet you still see it fitting to fit in
with those who fail to seek God
when you should fail to fit in
because you find it fittng to seek God
When you seek God you don't need approval
from everything around you
because God approves of you
But don't allow me to tell you
that all I care about is fitting into
the kingdom of heaven
I encourage you to discover it for yourself
Find it fitting to find for yourself
that being selfless is what will satisfy you
All because that's what God finds fitting
and fitting in with God is the perfect fit
And how fitting it is that God loves you

I just want to make it clear that this poem is not a direct offense to all who read it, because I am by no means saying that everyone tries to fit in and everyone blames other people for their shortcomings. However, I myself know that I have blamed others for when I screw up, I'm sure many of us have, but the reason for the use of you's is because this does speak directly to the reader, I wanted it to be a reminder to myself, that sometimes yeah Jim you blame others and you need to work on sometimes that when you mess up it is your fault and the ending is so beautiful "And how fitting it is that God loves you" because that is speaking to everyone. This holds true for every human even those who believe they are too good for God so they deny his existence. The bottom line of this poem is that to live life you should not live to satisfy your own desires, namely sinful desires, God wants us all to be happy but he wants to be glad in Him. "We will rejoice and be glad in Him" is a worship song I remember singing in church and that is true so long as we choose to accept him, we cannot be glad in him if we denounce him so I encourage those who don't know God to not denounce something they don't know. That is the problem with most people today. They denounce things that they are unfamiliar with or have never experienced. They are so used to what they are comfortable with or what pleases them that they refuse to step out of these worldly boundaries, especially in America. People need to realize that fitting in and blending in with the world is not the number one priority but so many people make it that, they think "As long as I fit in and people like me for doing what they do, at least I'll be accepted" when the truth is you already are accepted. You can be accepted just by being yourself because God accepts you. Anyway that's the message here! God Bless, Good night, Amen!

Why you Walk

2006-11-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

So how can I make this positive, I mean it still will be positive, its just right now I feel like garbage. It could be because I haven't eaten in 3 days, but I don't think that's it because I don't feel hungry. I'm disappointed because I feel weak, I look at myself and my body doesn't look defined or in shape, which I guess should not be a reason to be upset. However, I am kind of disappointed because I fear all the working out I've down since last April will end up being worthless after a week of not eating. I went to DURAG tonight which was pretty cool, I'll admit some things made me a little uncomfortable, but I still was able to dance and be filled with the Holy Spirit which helped because I was feeling down today, but now I'm still feeling down. I knew right after service that it was going to be a hard rest of the night which is why I'm going to sleep after I right this. It's probably just the devil trying to tear me down from my spiritual high which can easily be ignored because he is powerless. But other than my current state of sadness, I'd like to thank God tenfold for how he has revealed himself to me this past week. I pray that amazing things will happen for the rest of the week especially on tuesday. That is going to be the culmination of a lot of preparation to pour out God's love on this campus. So if you read this, just know that Tuesday, November 7th from Noon-1 on the Commons will be a concert/free food and it's going to be amazing. God will show up! Other than that I've been coming to a lot of realizations about different things that have been kind of disappointing to me, I feel bad for all my friends who don't know Christ on the level I know him because I know if they did, they'd realize any worldly thing in their life is meaningless. I'm so powerless when it comes to helping out my friends, and I know only through God and accepting that Jesus Christ died for their sins will they be saved. But amongst all that, other things still bother me that I'm not even going to mention because they don't matter to anyone else but me. I don't understand why people consume themselved with so much garbage that is so unfulfilling, why do people do drugs and get drunk when all it does is provide a temporary escape from problems and leads people to do stupid things because ultimately people are stupid. I'll admit I'm not smart, I've made my mistakes, but people insist on thinking different type of sinful behavior is cool: who can drink the most, who can get the best high, who can sleep with the most girls/guys, like honestly why are those things priorities for people. All those things lead to negative outcomes, for example getting hungover, throwing up, overdosing, dying, spreading STD's, getting someone pregnant, honestly why ruin your life, and people don't realize that God will not ruin your life, how many negative things come from believing in Christ. Don't get me wrong, I'm saying your life is going to be a pack of roses just by giving yourself over to Him, but his love will never stop so you choose to realize its there, it doesn't stop if you ignore it. The fact of the matter is that it is what is missing from those who search in the wrong places for what they think they need in their lives. All that the world has to offer shall pass away. "So I challenge all the skeptics and scoffers, just come and see what God has to offer!" Other than that I have nothing else to say, but I will share a poem I wrote on Tuesday.

Why you Walk

Show me the ground you walk on
and after you show me, tell me why you walk
Why don't you crawl?
It's okay to walk
but it's not okay to be ignorant towards
the one who allows you to walk
But rest assure that when the day comes
and you realize why you are walking
and what your purpose is
you won't find it necessary to walk
Walking will be child's play
because you will begin to run
And as you run
you will not grow tired
You will not suffer from exhaustion
You will not suffer from dehydration
Because you will be filled with the Holy spirit
But when you run, you will collapse
You will not collapse because you are weak
You will collapse because God's glory
will pour down on you
not only will you feel it
But you will see it
See it moving through miracles
moving in prayer
you will see the earth shake
and be transformed
You will see heart's break
and be reformed
God will purify
souls that have been torn
People will die
and then be reborn
All because humans will recognize
they are only human
and they will realize that
by calling upon God's name
lives will change
And as lives change
They will begin to walk,
then run, then collapse
They'll want all of God they can grasp
And when they rise back to their feet
they will walk again
But when they are asked
to show the ground that they walk on
they will point to a ground glittered in gold
because ground will no longer be common
it will become holy ground
and when they walk on this holy ground
they will proclaim why they walk
People will cry out "We walk in Faith!"
So now I plead with you
Show me why you walk

Not much to say other than have a good day

2006-10-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

This past week has gone really well. I haven't had a lot of work to do and if I did I probably just didn't do it, but this weekend I only have two papers to write which is pretty good. I'll be working on them shortly. Monday night bible study was amazing because I learned a lot and felt I should take what I learned and apply it when speaking to some of my close friends. On Tuesday night I went to Chi Alpha and Thursday I went to Durag and the message at Durag was pretty powerful and there were like 100 people there, it was cool. Friday night I went to prayer night at Church of the Living Waters which was amazing. I was soaked and could barely move my legs afterwards. That was my week, but on Thursday night at Durag I started thinking about things, and I wrote a lot down Friday morning and I was going to put it in here, but I decided I'm not going to because it's unfinished and I can't figure out what I was trying to say when I wrote this passage I was working on. So unfortunately I have nothing else to say nor do I have a poem to share. Now I must work on my papers. Good day!

What do you hair about?

2006-10-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose I'll report on my weekend, the only eventful thing that happened was cutting my hair, yes I finally gave in, I cut off my golden curly locks and now its the shortest my hair has been in 2 years. I did myself, though I don't hate it like the time I accidentally shaved the sides of my head and then left the curls on top, but hey lets not get into that because that was 3 years ago and I looked silly, nor do I know how it was an accident, but it was. I missed church on Sunday cause I set my alarm for 9:50 pm instead of am, i was upset about it. Sunday night we lost our championship game 9-1. I'm not sure why we did so bad, but at least my foot didn't break like I thought it may have at first. It was still kind of fun. Other than that I remember doing a lot of video game playing and attempting to do homework, some eating, and sleeping.
I forgot to do a lot of homework though. Anyway I wrote a poem about my hair amongst other things. Towards the end it gets a little corny, but it was one of those deals where I was inspired and then was like okay lets end this poem.

Careless Hairlessness <------ I made that title up right now hehehe

I used to have a care
Back when I had my hair
The thing that allowed me to stand out
It wasn’t worth the attention brought about
I don’t want an outstanding quality
That brings people close to me
I’m willing to become just a number
When I can’t be feeling any number
Towards the world and all it offers
I seem subjected to the scoffers
But at least I can go to God
Get on my knees, begin to sob
Does that make me less a man?
Even though I’m doing what I can
Though my hair was a delight
The curls identified me in sight
But I decided to not allow to be defined
As the curly blonde I was so assigned
So now I have no hair
But I’ve forgotten how to care
About much of anything including myself
I deny my selfishness but not much else
Deny any pain I may or may not have felt
I think I’m content with what I’ve been dealt
But this about my hair and the promise I’ve made
To make myself a warrior armed with holy sage
And I know I don’t need hair for that
But by the time my hair grows back
I’m hoping my life will be on track
Towards a better place than where I’m at
But I’m doing just fine in my current state
And when my hair grows back I’ll be doing great!

Basically this poem tries to explain the reason I cut my hair. I mean I did love my hair and the curlyness and how I could never mold or sculpt it, and just dealt with the curls and allowed old ladies to admire it and constantly asked me if I got a perm. Every time my grandma sees me she asked if I got a perm, and I'd be like "No gram, I just woke up this morning and it was like this." Now granted I won't be getting compliments on my hair for a while nor will people say my hair is my trademark, but ultimately my hair doesn't make me who I am. Sure it was neat that people could recognize me from a distance, and it was fun to play with, because I could put my hair in my nose, and chew on it at times. But I cut it because I don't want to have something special about me even if it was just my hair. If someone is going to think I'm a cool person or someone they want to talk to, I want them to be able to do it when I'm as unattractive as possible. So yeah I miss my hair, yeah I didn't need to cut it, but I did and it will grow back in like 6 months which is a really long time and I wish it would take shorter, but I'm the same person. Still Jimmy, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I don't know, but that's it. I have nothing more to say. Good day! God Bless!

Run towards God kingdom and call it home

2006-10-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty cool. I woke up, went to English class and did bad on a quiz, then fell asleep during class on my trusty purple pillow, then I came back too another nap, then went to theatre class and did nothing. After theatre I sat on the quad and wrote poems until lunchtime. After lunch I came back to the room, played some video games, went to play racquetball, ate dinner, and watched 30 minutes of the mens soccer game. Since then I've been in for the night, just like every weekend night, but I kind of enjoy just kicking it back and taking it easy. Also a silly thing happened when a girl walked in on me pooping. I don't know why she was in the guys bathroom but it was funny. Anyway the main point of this entry was to share the poems I wrote. Basically what I've done is devised a new way of writing poems for myself to keep me inspired, I choose a word that is usually made up of two words and switch them around. For example the poems I wrote I used the word homerun for one poem and then run home for another. I compiled a list of words in which I want to write poems about. The poems have deeper meaning behind the titles that are far deeper than they should be. Anyway here are the poems that I will explain after:

Run Home

For the most part I lead a comfortable life
Usually I spend time snuggly fitting in a brown niche
Occasionally I'll be tossed through the air
from "Spalding" to "Spalding"
I glide so my seams seemingly sping as I spin
However, sometimes my life becomes dreadful
I grow a custom
to living with a false sense of security
When game day comes my biggest fears are realized
I come face to face with my arch rival
This is the story for most of my kind
It tends to be a losing battle
I'm thrown to the wolves and I clench up
hoping my body does not get smashed
by the wooden cylinder known as "Slugger"
He's a rotten piece of crap, that's what he is
He hits me many times, causing me to get scuffed up
But every once in a while I'll throw myself
with such force that I snap "Slugger" in half
Unfortunately, "Slugger" is easily replaced
There are circumstances where "Slugger"
gets the best of my kind
On those occasions "Slugger" hits us
so damn hard that our insides fly out of our skin
leaving us to be useless and dead
But that's not the worst that can happen
The worst possible outcome is when "Slugger"
hits you so hard that you leave the stadium
causing one to be lost whether it be
in the woods or in the water
So lost that I'm never found
And all I want is for someone to find me
and bring me home to a snuggling mitt
This may be a time when one wishes
that they could just run home
Running home is all I want to do

Home... Run!

I enjoy being a kid
I enjoy knowing that my innocence
allows me to be protected from the world
I like having the freedom
to walk a couple of blocks to the park
and just play all by my lonesome
Don't get me wrong
I like playing with the other kids too
But playing alone allows me to be creative
Though mother tells me it's dangerous
She also tells me to be aware of my surroundings
Yesterday, I was completely aware
So aware that I noticed a man in black hiding in the bushes
He was older and looked like he needed a shower
I went up to him and asked if he was playing hide and go seek
He said yes and since I was the one to find him
he gave me some candy
Then he wanted to play to tag
He tagged me kind of hard and said, "you're it!"
He began to take off running
I chased him towards a dark alley
The alley was far away from anyone,
But I knew I had him trapped
I tagged in him and he smiled
I joyfully took off running
I had remembered mother told me to be home for dinner
I figured the man would follow me
considering he chased me after I tagged him
Hopefully, he could come to my house
and perhaps get a shower and cleaned up
Maybe he would even stay for dinner
But when I had reached the corner and called out
"I'm running to my house"
he disappeared
I turned the corner and looked back
and he was gone in an instant
Maybe he got tired and found some other kid
who was not as fast and tagged him
It's not my fault, it's just
when I think of home I begin to run fast
because I am so excited to see my mother
When I think home, I also think run
I wonder if that man had a home
Funny thing about mother though,
Today she showed me the newspaper
and said, "Charles, you know how I always tell you,
Be aware of your surroundings, well
this is why"
It was a picture of the poor old man
who was chasing me in handcuffs
Poor guy, he should have been aware of his surroundings
He should have followed me home like I hoped
Instead he followed another little boy home
and that little boy got him in trouble
I guess now, he doesn't have a home
All he can do now is run

These two poems have perspectives that reverse each other. In the first poem, it's talking about a baseball, an inanimate object who deeply fear the wrath of a baseball bat, he also fears being lost and alone. Whereas the boy in the second poem who should be very afraid of this stranger who could easily rape him or capture him shows absolutely no fear. He is naive and thinks that he could have helped this man, but in reality he is lucky that he was not the victim. The baseball in the other story was made to be hit with a bat and used in that way, but it does not want to whereas the boy in this story wants to help when he should be thinking about his own safety. The deeper meaning however is hidden in each of these poems, First in Run Home, the baseball shows a lot of relation to people in the world or at least in America. How fitting I used an example from America's greatest past time of baseball. Anyway the opening line "For the most part I lead a comfortable life" which is entirely true. We as individuals are blessed to live in America. Occasionally or maybe more than occasions we deal with being tossed around by life, being tested and sometimes we fail. Many times it feels like life is a losing battle. In this poem I relate "Slugger" to what I believe to be Satan. We battle against him and sometimes he gets the best of us. For many people he gets the best of them on too many occasions and people feel alone and wonder what they are missing. Fortunately for us we are not a baseball, we have the choice to not be alone in the woods or water because we can turn to God. Now the deeper meaning in Home... Run basically implies that when we were children things were fine and dandy. For me I loved being a little kid and constantly I wish I could be again and to this day I still act like one some or most of the time depending on who you talk to. Once again I guess you could see Satan as the stranger in this story. Fortunately for this child and his childlike faith that people are innocent at heart and he cannot be hurt, he can't be hurt because he walks with God and God protects us. Luckily the child in this story is protected and doesn't end up hurt in the end, but just know that I could have easily wrote a unhappy ending, but I didn't because it wasn't fitting. So Yay! I like these poems, so I am pleased, now I will go to bed. Good night and God Bless!

Wasting my words on weird things

2006-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

In this book of an entry lies a funny story

I want to write tonight because I have positive things to write about and I'm in a good mood and silly things happened. I slept till 11:45, went to class at 12:30, it was pretty boring, but not bad, Towards the end of class which was Global Politics, we talked about poverty and people not eating in foreign countries and it made me realize I should stop complaining about things and be so much happier than I am at times. It's all in one's attitude. Anyway in Global politics I argued that people in poverty stricken and starving countries need to stop reproducing and spend time trying to get themselves to the point where they can support themselves. After that I had lunch which was delicious. Then I had my dumb discussion class for history in which no one read the readings so it was boring but i got an A- on my paper so I was pleased. When I returned from the discussion something silly but kind of gross happened but it makes me laugh. So I came in to my room and sat down at the computer and began talking to Clinton Merle Pop Fisher. When I say down I thought I (what the kids call it nowadays) sharted. Now I know this is "gross" or repulsive to write about, but I write about things like this normally and I figure sharing funny stories is better than complaining. Anywho I thought I sharted, luckily I have toilet paper in my room that I also use as tissues cause we don't have tissues, I've been sick for like 12 days so it's all we had left. Anyway I figured I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom which was an entire 12 feet away so I proceeded to take some TP and check my boxers. Now anyone reading this has probably 1) stopped 2) are thinking why am I reading this and who cares that he's checking to see if he sharted or 3) they are weird like me think this is kind of funny and can't wait to see what happens next. So anyway the climax of the story, as I checked myself I look over and realize the window has no shades and is wide open in broad daylight during a busy time of day. As I look up I could have sworn eye contact was made with a girl walking along the sidewalk while my hand was by my butt. Now this was kind of akward, not for me, for her, but I think I saw her giggling afterwards. It's a wonder how that played out. It was also funny because I told Clint what had happened through his cell phone in text and he was out to dinner with his girlfriend when it happened, and she ended up reading the whole story which is funny to me. That's all. After this I went to lift, I've gotten a lot weaker but I way 168 now, I still haven't gained weight since being here though I'd like to gain 15 pounds of muscle, pipe dreams Jim, pipe dreams. After lifting I showered, and I really did not want to go to the history lecture, there is too much history on thursdays, i knew it was gonna be boring, I had this feeling like i shouldnt go, I go to class late and a lot of people were absent, I fell asleep almost immediately for 45 minutes. I woke up and there was still a half hour of class left and i already missed all the notes, so I just read the Bible the rest of class. I decided to read Job because when I opened there a couple days ago I read some stuff that was similar to what I write at times, It seems the book of Job is a lot of repetitive complaining on Job's part. It reminds me of myself, but then again Job lost all his wealth and children so he had it slightly worse... ok fine a lot worse, but Job complained a lot too about not wanting to live and such. I read the first 14 verses and stopped because it got slightly bothersome to read much of the same thing, but the point of Job I feel is that it's okay to complain to God. I mean after all it displays that we need him, that we are helpless without him, he basically yells out to God in hopes of an answer. So even if I don't have things as worse as Job I can still complain at times and get away with it so to speak. After that boring class, I ate at Dukes and got some really gross pizza, it looked like it had a loogy on it. I ate it anyway despite how nasty it was. After dinner I got to go to an amazing bible study type thing or church service because DURAG came to JMU. It was amazing to see the way in which they shared God's word. Their ministry was a blessing and I'm pretty sure I'm going to attend regularly on Thursday nights so long as time allows it. Plus I like the word durag after all you can find that word in my screenname. My day was wonderous although I don't know how it's so late already. Well now is a good time to go to bed, but first a poem that isn't one of my best and I wrote it in April of this year.

Don't Waste my Time

As you read this poem
You will try to discover the meaning behind it
You will find a message the author is trying to convey
But why should you bother to read this poem
I can't answer that
Why was this poem ever written?
And who was it written for?
It is written to make a point
And it is for you the reader
Is this poem a waste of time?
Most likely, it will be
yet you continue read
You want to know the message, don't you?
Fine, I will tell you
It's actually quite simple
Don't allow someone to waste your time
Ironic, isn't it?
Because, that is exactly what I have done
Lesson Learned

Thinking things will be just fine

2006-10-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

On Monday night I had bible study and it was pretty cool. We started in Matthew 5 with the Beatitudes which is something I never read believe it or not. It helped answer a bunch of questions and I was able to convince myself that things are going good and things are just fine. It was ironic how quickly my attitude changed during that day. I also realized that it's okay to question to certain things, and if it bothers you too much, just pray and God will help you find some answers. That was reassuring. Tuesday went pretty well too simply because tuesday is always my easiest day. I think I did okay on my history midterm even though I was completely unprepared and was the first one done out of 120 people. The midterm was two questions and he said to not waste time writing an intro and conclusion in the essay, and that he wasn't grading on grammar and sentence structure so i figured my 3 pages was enough to satisfy the questions. So after 30 minutes of writing I figured for 2 questions that was more than enough, so I waited 5 more minutes to see if anyone else was gonna finish but it appeared that everyone was still diligently writing. I decided it was not worth while to just sit and wait for someone else to turn in a paper so I got up seeing how I sit right in the middle of the lecture hall, I was stared at, handed in my test and walked out. I hope I did okay. Looking back in this passage it hasn't been full of excitement, drama, or good writing, but I'm satisfied with it simply because I have nothing to complain about on this moment, so instead I'll share a poem in which someone is complaining about the smallest thing but its kind of funny. Sorry if it's a little offensive, but it's not too bad.

Train of Thoughts

Let this be a time of relaxation
In forty-five minutes I'll reach my destination
I'll just wedge my purple pillow
between this seat and window and doze off
That is at least what I so desired
It did not seem like too farfetched of a thought
Until I realized that at each stop
more people would be getting on this train
Then I heard the dredded announcement
"Make room for oncoming passengers"

There is no way in hell I'm sharing my seat
They want me to risk my level of above average comfort
for a negative level of comfort for me and someone else
That's sheer craziness
Maybe they should consider making the train bigger

The train pulls up to the first stop
And I see the type of creeps that just might be
a potential seat stealer making me a seat sharer
Haha, no way fat spanish man
Not a chance me and you are squeezing into this two-seater
I see you eye-ing it up
Move along
especially if you ate burritos for lunch
Phew, that was a close one
His gas will be welcomed elsewhere
Now I can rest easy at least for another stop

Damn, that was fast!

This is just dandny, what an inconvenience
Why does this stop have so many people waiting to get on?
And why isn't anyone getting off this train?
Hey conductor!
You should throw Tony Pizzaria over there off the train,
whiles its moving
It looks like an oil tanker spilled on his scalp
And he's wearing far too much
marinara cologne
It's clogging my nasal passages
Oh good! He is getting off at this stop

Okay, fine, I can't avoid my destiny
But maybe I can choose who will share my seay
I'll be satisfied so long as it is not
that really old lady with a mustache
Thanfully, she walked in the opposite direction
No wait, please, not the metrosexual Indian guy
By the looks of that hat and tight shirt
he may hit on me
Good, he's on his cell phone and walking fast
I don't think he notived the open seat
or maybe he just thought I was too ugly to sit next to
That jerk!
I'm not ugly
I am a very good looking man, right?
Who am I kidding?
I am great looking
He was probably just intimidated by my looks
Yeah, that's it
Wait, why do I care?
I like girls....... right?
Yeah, I definitely like girls

Great, a bald, skinny, jewish man
It's cool, just act tough and he won't sit down
He will cower in fear
That's right Mortimer, keep walking
I don't need my taxes done yet
I can wait another month at least
But maybe I could get your business card
Aw shucks! That's alright
you're already in the next car

Sweet! Yeah baby,
there is room for you here
Darn, please come back!
Good point you deserve a seat all to yourself
Would it be creepy if I turn around stare at her?
I'll just peak through the seat
Why don't the make a bigger gap betwenn the seat and the window?
What if I had kids to check on?
Good thing I don't
If I had one of those annoying, little, butt munches
kicking my seat I would ring their neck

Well, it's inevitable now
At the next stop, someone will definitely sit next to me
I don't care if it's a vaguely Chinese woman
or if it's a weird, middle-aged, genious
that looks like a droopy version of John Malkovich
Even if it's a smurf, I'd be satisfied
Just as long as it's not a smelly person
or a Gothic teenager listening to loud music
or a nun, especially if it's a hot nun
Because then I'll just be let down
or it will be like that one dream I had where...
Neverming, just stop worrying about it

The moment of truth has arrived
Oh wait,
this is my stop, already?
So it is, that seemed very fast

I wonder if this station has donuts

I was inspired to write this poem on a train ride up to my mom's this summer. None of these people except the Metrosexual Indian guy did I see on the train. Nor did I care if anyone would sit next to me, no one did of course. In any case, this poem is just meant for humor purposes. That's all!

Stay just for Today

2006-10-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

So my last entry I wrote like 16 hours ago and I was pleased that I felt I was helped and guided in some sort of direction because God helped me out in figuring out the meaning of my poem. But right now, things changed, all at once I was sitting in Communications class and things started becoming blurry. It seemed as if a fit of rage came over me Here's what I wrote amidst a presentation:

People are so eager to prove something or someone wrong. No one is willing to take things for what they are or believed to be which is why some go crazy. If you spend all your time trying to figure out whats "right" you goin g to get caught up in something wrong. Why is faith constantly tested? How do I stop questioning things? All of a sudden things jump to not making sense, just as quickly as how I believe God answers me. This battle sucks. There is no victory. If you find victory in one thing I'm bound to get something else wrong. There's never balance. I figure one thing out but I f*ck up in some other area of my life whether it be school or being a "good" person. I so badyl want to drop everything and find a way to do what God wants completely, but what if there is a chance I miscontrue what God wants me to do and I f*ck up my whole life. He wouldn't allow that though right? This type of though destroys ones desire to do anything. Now I'm f*cking depressed again and I did nothing to deserve it. Why?

Now I don't know what in that passage so desperately needed to be written. Because I look at that and see someone complaining, someone that is a baby, someone who doesn't know what the hell they want. The bottom line is this, here where I'm at, at school, I've gotten nothing accomplished. No change has developed in me. I don't want to be here still. I still have no direction, in fact I'm losing patience. For a moment I was just getting content, just dealing with the fact that I'm so damn average. Dealing with the fact that I'm not good at a whole lot. Dealing with the fact that I can't measure up to anything. In fact I don't want to measure up to anything. I was thinking the other day about stuff too, but my attitude was better than today so I dealt with it differently. I tried to think about what type of person was. I decided I have priorities, number 1 on my list is being a Chrisitian, and I realized this though I've been hard on myself a lot because I feel I'm not doing a good job, but the bottom line is, I do do my best to keep God on my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week, when I do something wrong I recognize it immediately and for the most part my mistakes are accidental, I read my bible, I go to church, and I love God and enjoy worshipping in many ways. However, I'm an unhappy person, thats just the way things are, some people have something in them that doesn't allow them to be happy, thats life, I'll deal with it and enjoy the brief moments I can convince myself I'm happy with myself. Desptite the fact that I do get caught up in video games and try and do a lot of schoolwork the bottom line is God is #1 even though I constantly end up feeling like sh*t whenever I hear a sermon about not doing enough, face it you can never do enough, another thing that I will come to deal with. I heard someone talk about settling with being average a couple weeks back, but the fact of the matter is average is a place you have to deal with being for a while. I guess I'm prepared with being in the state of averageness until I die which God I hope is sooner than later. Anyway the second thing I am is a student. I try and get work done, I'm at college and I hate it, good thats number 2. The third thing I am is a writer. I spend a lot of time writing, I deal with things that way, I don't have a lot of people to open up to, maybe its my fault, but after a while you learn not to trust many people, the world does that to you. The 4th thing I am is an athlete, although I've been sick a lot lately, I enjoy doing physical activity, it keeps my mind off of how worthless I am, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that shows I have a little bit of respect for constituting as a person. Other than that I have nothing going for me. Now that I'm at college, I don't talk a whole lot to my family, I don't have what I'd consider to be any close friends. I'm just looking to get by until I realize what the hell I have to do. So things suck right now, I'll "man up" and deal with it, get by, not have pity on myself maybe, or maybe I won't do any of it and cry myself to sleep like I used to do, but in either case somehow it will get dealt with. Anyway I wanted to write a poem, but this is all I wrote.

If only I could Stay

Sitting there
I was alone
So unaware
Just hold the phone
How could I
Be hurt so bad
A place in the sky
I hoped I had
What caused my pain?
What makes me doubt?
Am I insane?
My heart pours out
But it’s not enough
No never enough
The “right” stuff
Is lost in the rough
And I’ll admit
When I have failed
Why don’t I quit
I just exhaled
Cease this breath
Keep hope in place
Watch out for death
Watch my face
For I have lost
A heart to be healed
What’s the cost
Of truth revealed
I run away
I made the choice
But I would stay
If I heard His voice

That second you spend will be worth it

2006-10-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

I went to church this morning and it was amazing. Gods presence was definitely felt and something pretty cool was revealed to me. I wrote a poem on Wednesday called Just for a Second and I didn't give an entirely logical explanation as to what the poem was about or what I wanted to say, but it seemed so clear to me after today. The character in the poem is unsure whether or not he is willing to obey God. However, in the poem he sifts through his mind to try and understand that he obeys God, but sometimes does it out of habit. However, I believe that once the character sits down for the second time he realizes what he needs to do. He needs to be willing to obey and do so submissively. During the sermon it became clear also as to why so many people refuse God. People dislike obeying authority. Everywhere this occurs. I thought the pastor made a valid point when he said it starts when you disobey your parents. So many kids and teenagers do the things they do simply because they are told they shouldn't or they can't. I'm willing to admit some things are meant to be figured out on ones own, but our parents or guardians do know something about there childs welfare. It hurts me to know that there are high school kids that are stupid enough to drink and do drugs simply because they get a crazy sensation that they can do something wrong and get away with it. I recently heard someone say they should lower the drinking age, and it made me think whether or not people would drink as much since it would be legal. I believe this would cause less people to drink and would encourage more people to get involved in something more dangerous. Once something becomes to easy to do and one can do it without any threatening consequence it most certainly takes away the fun of it for those who love sin. Eventually people realize they need something more than one thing they turn to. This makes me realize if people can't even obey their parents, then why would they be capable of obeying God. Granted some people don't have the best relationship with their parents, some people don't have parents, but this is no excuse for not obeying. For some people its hard to listen to authority, but ultimately it is so much easier to obey than do things on your own. Obey the law, Obey your parents, Obey God! Otherwise your just going to want to sit down for a second and watch your whole life pass you by and wonder what good you did or could have done. I don't want to sit down for anymore seconds, but I probably will at certain times and look at myself in order to realize I'm not living up to God's potential for me. However, I am so glad that he keeps me informed even if it is something very minor like my poem. So in conclusion I challenge, those who took a second or much longer to read this, if you can take a second of your time to read what I have to say, then you should take at least several minutes even hours over the course of a week to see what God has to say. Open up a bible, ask someone you know about Jesus. Go to a church service. Because you can sit down for one second and be captivated for a life time if you just allow God to let you know what he has in store for all of us. That second may turn to minutes and hours, but it will be worth it when you feel Gods presence. That's all I really have to say. I don't have a new poem today, but if you want go back and read Just for a Second. Even better than that, read a scripture. Peace out and God Bless!

Happy Dayz

2006-10-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Thus far my weekend has been very exciting. Even though everyone is away on fall break, I seemed to enjoy myself a lot. Friday night, I went to go see a play alone called Fat Pig. Although I did not really like the story line and it didn't make me laugh and I didn't care about the characters, I still thought the actors did an amazing job playing their roles. I don't know if thats a consolation, but I was glad I went to see it nonetheless. I'm already pretty much done the paper I have to write for it. I also didn't wake up till 2 in the afternoon on friday so most of my day was gone anyway. Then today was pretty cool too. I slept till 1, ate lunch, then me and Ricardo went to go see The Marine starring John Cena. It was a poor storyline, but I really liked the movie, the acting wasn't very good either, and there wasn't more than a minute of consecutive dialogue. The movie was pretty much just explosions and it remained PG13 which I liked. After the movie me and Ricardo got dinner, and then went to the girls volleyball game. That was exciting cause they won, but it did last 2 and a half hours. Then we came back watched some TV, I got some homework done, and now I can't wait for church tomorrow. I didn't get to go last week because I was very sick even though thats not a good excuse. I'm very excited to meet with God and seek what will be said. I have an old poem to share:

Fall of Oz

The mayor of Munchkin Land
Lollipop parliament at his command
Debating whether they will go to war
Against the flying monkeys bron to soar
Mini munchkins have been stolen
And Deputy Donut is patrolling
But the elusive monkeys can't be found
Unless they swoop down to the ground
It will be hard for the gummie guards to fight
Since they are handicapped by their height
The lion is a coward and the scarecrow has no brain
And Tinman doesn't have the heart to help the munchkin reign
So Oz is in turmoil, but there is no time for woe
The fate of the land lies in the hand of Dorothy and Toto
Stop the Wicked Witch, knock her off the broomish throne
And please end this horrid war so Dorothy can go home

This needs no explanation. Praise Jesus and good day!

Seconds to Minutes to Hours

2006-10-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

The reason for the delay in a new entry is due to the fact that I've been horribly ill the past week. I really didn't do much of anything. I managed to get through the week and accomplished all I needed too. I made it through my presentation which was a good thing too. However I am still a little sick, and yesterday was a bummer because I was suppose to go to see a play and I walked 4 times to Theatre 2 which is a 12 minute walk from my dorm and each time I went I did not get a ticket1 time for class, then again at 4:45 to see if they were selling tickets and they said come back after 6, so i got there again at 6:25 and they were sold out and said come back at 7:50 so I got there at 7:40 and waited in line for 20 minutes and they said sorry everyone there are no seats avaliable to i walked back. I wasted like an hour and a half just in walking to and from Theatre 2, so instead I now have something to do on Friday night, which is going to see a play that probably no one else will be at because, everyone has gone home for fall break, something I should have put effort into trying to do. Now I'm stuck here for the rest of the weekend with very few people but it will be cool because I will get a lot of work done and read the bible to make up for how sick I was when i didnt feel like even moving. But yesterday I did do something productive because I wrote a poem after I walked back from the Theatre for the 4th time. So I'll post that. I wanted to say a whole bunch more meaningful things, but I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. So instead here is my poem

Just for a Second

I'm just going to sit down for a second
But this second will turn into minutes, then to hours
I don't sit down just to rest
I do it mostly to collect my thoughts
Thinking about myself, thinking about God
thing about myself and God together
Wait I worded that wrong
Because God should come before myself
I wish I could say I always catch myself
when I make a mistake such as that
But I'll confess, many times I am guilty of putting me first
I don't usually do it intentionally
Some say it's human nature to look out for one's self first
Kind of goes along with the "survival of the fittest" mentality
The reality of it is it's not human nature to be selfish
it's human error
humans choose to put themselves first
Is it a crime for people to want the best for themselves?
Is that really selfishness?
And is it slefish of me to take a break
to sit, reflect, and turn my cheek to the world for my own good?
That second of sitting down has already turned into
twenty minutes of thought and written word
See how easy it was to get caught up in something
I wanted to do and chose to do
However if someone like a teacher
had told me to go sit alone for twenty minutes and write,
I'd probably be mad at my teacher
write half as much as I have already written
and my topic would have been on how stupid the idea of sitting alone
and writing for twenty minutes is
The reason for this is quite obvious
People don't like to be told what to do
This makes me wonder,
maybe God tells me to do something
and the idea is placed in my head
but then I convince myself that the idea is stupid
and I don't do what God calls me to do
This could be a reason, but that woud put me at fault
Maybe God just doesn't have anything to say to me
or maybe he doesn't make himself clear enough to me
How quickly I put the blame on something else
It's so easy for me to unassume responsibility
which could be why I'm such a failure
I guess I don't own up to my mistakes enough
Maybe stting down for longer than a second was a mistake
Maybe within the minutes and hours that passed
was my chance to make the difference God wanted me to
Or maybe it's not too late
I can get up right now
And right now I'll go make that difference
Because this time I'm going to grasp that oppurtunity
I'm going, but wait what direction am I going?
What if I go the wrong way?
What if I waste God's time?
I don't want to be wrong again
I should think this over
I'm just going to sit down for a second

This poem is pretty easy and complicated to understand at the same time. I fear the message one might first find is that the person in this story, severely doubts the presence or the fact that God might exist, despite the fact that the character so desperately wants to please God. That's not the exact message I wanted to get across and I also want it to be known this poem was not based off myself entirely. I believe sitting down with God and collecting your thoughts is a good thing, and I'd encourage it. When I sit down with God, in all honesty, I don't hear his voice nor do I feel he has called me to do anything most of the time. Most of the time I just sit, pray, listen, and if I'm felt upset, usually I'll feel better even though I don't find direction or guidance, at least that I am aware of. The main point of the poem is to make sense of things, even though things go full circle and no questions are really answered. That's all I have to say about this poem.

I just want to add in, that usually when things start to turn for the better, I don't write things down as often which is another reason why I probably haven't written as much, but I just want to make mention that I've become comfortable and happy about everything even though I'm still a litte sick. Everything is settling down and my mindset has a adjusted towards a positive one. Hopefully I'll start writing about some positive stuff, so good news there. Good night and God Bless

Speak for me or through me

2006-10-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been trying to get back into the Word, or the Bible to those who don't call it the word. I started in Luke because I like Luke and I've been looking for a scripture that I read a while ago. Last night I came across it again and it stuck out so I highlighted it though it still confuses me in different ways. Luke 13:30 says "Indeed those who are last will be first, and first who will be last." It probably appears in the bible a couple of times, phrased differently, but I've found this particular contradiction to pierce my flesh because I find myself being almost torn apart when I think deeply about it. Much like every set of contradiction I find I try and figure out what is a more accurate half of the contradiction. Usually I never come to a clear cut decision and I'm sure I won't come to a clear cut decision about what I want to say about this particular verse either. The reason it torments me so is because I can't figure out which side of this verse I am on and maybe I shouldn't think about it and just focus on bettering my relationship with God. But when I look at the verse, I notice "those who are last will be first". So often I feel like I'm pitying myself for finishing last or being falsely accused, or argued with, I feel like I try so hard to avoid argument, in the past avoid heartbreak, avoid dwelling on where I'll be led in the future, but I still think about it. I almost try and convince myself I'm finishing last, but the word says those who finish last will finish first so that should give me some hope right. Nope, of course not because there is another side to this contradiction. "and those first will be last". This leads me to question how good of a job I'm doing to put God first. Maybe I'm doing a bad job and I'm putting myself first which is why I feel like I'm finishing last. Or maybe it just varies from day today. Some day I try and make myself finish first and ignore God, but end up finishing last while other days I do a good job of helping others and serving God, or putting myself last, and maybe I'll feel good at the end of the day. As usual I have no full fledged answer. Another scripture that has confused me as of tonight is from Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer". This scripture amazes me because if we truly believe everything in the bible is true, then how could this be false. There are a lot of things I would never think to ask for like material posessions, but I have been asking for direction, motivation to get work done, and just do a good job of living life and find some satisfaction in what I'm doing. I've been going out some nights and spending an hour just alone with God so to speak. So often it seems like my prayers don't get answered, but once again maybe I'm just drawing pity on myself, nonetheless I feel that way sometimes, which leads me to question if I'm doing a good job of believing my faith. I mean I just don't know if it's possible to pray and convince myself that I believe, but really I'm not proving to God that I believe good enough. That praobably doesn't make much sense, but I don't really write anyway to make sense to others, I try and make sense out of life to help myself mostly. Hoping that maybe God will speak through me and answer some of my questions. Anyway, I'm gonna share another poem:

Dummies

I can't control myself
But who pulls all the strings?
You set me on the shelf
with these other lifeless things

I have you speaking for me
My mouth moves at your command
Please find yourself another hobby
There's not much more I can withstand

Try to imagine how I feel
When your hand is deep inside my back
And let us hope I don't reveal
the rage, that may compel me to attack

Why do I dream so hopelessly
to be like Pinnochio or Chuckie and his wife
But maybe it will turn into a reality
that I'll be given a chance at life

Cut the strings and set me free
And I will be grateful to exist
Even though I will still be a dummie
At least, you're not my ventrilliquist

I so don't want to do anything anymore

2006-09-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything new or profound to write about. I'm up to my chin in work though. I felt like I got so much done and I still have so much to do. I think I did good on a test today. I have a quiz tomorrow and still have to do my communications homework. Tonight was the Chi Alpha meeting, it was nice to worship God since I missed churched Sunday. Although every time I've heard a sermon or bible study, all I'm being told is I'm never good enough. I'm not good enough for anything or anyone and that's a good thing I guess so I don't have a lot to live up to. I don't get how people that are disconnected from God seem to have everything together. Everything is so backwards. Here's a poem:

Hear in the Dead Lights

Abrubt endings are common for those in darkness
They will see the light, but it's too late
Because they are frozen and gone in a flash
God willing, when I see that light I'll embrace it
And be filled with such elation
How glorious it all could be
Hopefully, one day we will all be enlightened
But you may end up in total darkness and
the only thing you will have left is your faith
You'll be entirely alone
alone with your faith here in the dead lights
But isn't that better than having no chance
like a deer in the head lights
After all, aren't we deserving of a chance?
How do we recognize such an oppurtunity
when the lights are dead and sound is mute?
Is it even possible?
Perhaps, we have no control over whether or not
we even receive the oppurtunity to accomplish the goals we dream about
How unfortunate it would be if our lives were based on coincidence
instead of fate and God's design for our lives
The odds that we would dodge death would be slim to none
Just like the deer in the headlights
Had we listened to the words of God's only son
it wouldn't be so hard to hear in the dead lights

Basically, I believe in Jesus Christ, I've come to the conclusion that ultimately I can't change anyones mind about what they should believe so if God's gonna speak through me he's gonna speak through me. I can't control it so whatever happens, happens. Right?

Highly Exalted

2006-09-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

I warn anyone who reads this now, that this will be a long entry because I have a lot to write about, and I haven't written in a while. My first order of business has to do with a song I've been listening too. I don't own the cd its on or even have it downloaded on my computer, but I was checking my good friend Dave's myspace and I heard the song "Long Day" by Matchbox 20 and I've kind of been going back to his myspace just to listen to it as odd as that may be. Not so much because the music, but because some of the lyrics. I'm gonna put the lyrics in here and just discuss the parts that effect me which isn't much of the song but heres the song:

Its sitting by the overcoat
The second shelf, the note she wrote
That I cant bring myself to throw away And also
Reach she said for no one else but you,
Cuz you wont turn away

When someone else is gone
Im sorry bout the attitude
I need to give when Im with you
But no one else would take this s*** from me
And Im so
Terrified of no one else but me

I'm here all the time
I wont go away
Its me, yeah I cant get myself to go away
Its me, and I cant get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldnt feel this way
(chorus)

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out your hope for me
Its been a long day, always aint that right
And no lord your hand wont stop it
Just keep you trembling
Its been a long day, always aint that right
Well Im surprised that youd believe
In any thing that comes from me
I didnt hear from you or from someone else
And youre so
Set in life man, a pisser theyre waiting
Too damn bad you get so far so fast
So what, so long
(chorus)

Its me, yeah and I cant get myself to go away
Its me, yeah and I cant get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldnt feel this way

Now I can't remember the last time a girl gave me a note that I didn't want to throw away; then again not many girls passed me notes anyway, but that doesn't matter. The line "And Im so terrified of no one else but me". That's where I find myself thinking about how even if some of my problems are caused by other people it is my own fault for just feeling sorry for myself rather than moving on. Which is why "I'm here all the time, I won't go away". But even when times come where all I want to do is run I can never seem to run that far. Because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, and I just need to ask God to help me through it. I'm hoping that God will "Reach down your hand in your pocket and pull out your hope for me" But the song is about having a long day. In God's eyes our lifetime could be as short as a day, so I feel the song is interpreting this long day as my life. For some reason I have this outlook like my life has been a very long quest for hope which is the case for most people. I think most of the time no matter how hard I try I fall short. I try and be a good person by not conforming to drinking and partying while everyone else appears to be doing that. Luckily I don't feel tempted by that type of thing, but I just feel so darn lonely. Between never putting my full trust in anyone, and holding back from getting too close to someone I literally feel alone all the time. The contradiction that has always plagued me is how when I'd go to church I'd hear some teachings about if your down and out and feel like you have no friends and you can't count on your family at times you can turn to God. That's all good, but if you could live a fulfilling life alone with God why hasn't anyone achieved that and if someone that is in almost complete solitude has, come tell me how. Now I try to bring people to God even though it's uncomfortable to see if they will reject me and my faith. I even try my best to act godlike in my manner, not mighty and powerful, just polite and helpful, but I'm only human. I like being around people for the most part for people who have been torn apart and crapped on by everyone they meet how are they suppose to build up enough confidence to attempt to save others. What if you are so hurt by people that you don't care whether they go to heaven or hell. Are you going to hell for not helping them. When you are judged before God chances are he is going to want to know what you did in order to help his kingdom and when someone says to him, "Well, truthfully I was too scared to approach anyone because I'm so sick of being crushed that I just gave up". Will God have any mercy? I don't know, in fact I don't even know how I got on this subject so I'm changing the matter at hand. Tonight I was talking to my dear friend Ben about life and how we are now forced to grow up and what we would do if we could go back in time and do ove knowing what we know now. We talked about old memories in Mr. Holmes class and various things and if we have anything left to look foward too. I realized by talking to him that now that I'm growing up and have been impacted by so many things, it is time for me to impact people in a positive way. It's now an oppurtunity for me to guide others in some way or another. Now that I've written all of this I need to just put a poem here at the end so here it goes just to wrap this up:

His Exaltation

Believe that a miracle is not a hallucination
The Lord's power has no limitation
So go ahead and save yourself some aggravation
By being wise enough to accept his invitation

If you desire eternal life, find the motivation
to seek Him out for a spiritual elevation
Heartbroken? Anticipate complete restoration
because when one accepts God, there is total jubilation

It's simple, Jesus is the foundation
who leads us to salvation
which enables us to resist temptation
preventing us from eternal damnation

This faith is not to be a decoration
instead it should be, the believer's proclamation
Not just proclaimed here but to every nation
Join a family of believers for his glorification

Worship together and hear the ovation
And allow the word of God to be the newest sensation
For he should be the center of concentration
Yet the world still has not come to the realization

That our existence is the result of God's creation
Stop with false idols and false adoration
See that sinners are unworthy of acclaimation
Do not envy them, it will only lead to frustration

Brand him on your heart and taks His affirmation
Rev: 7:14 "These are they who have come out of great tribulation"
Lift praise unto the Lord's appellation
Let Him be the only one deserving of adulation

For those who feel they are lost in the equation
Know that only God can be your liberation
He's the Alpha and Omega, sheer perfection, that's no exaggeration
It's his second coming, did you get the revelation?

Praise God!

What's my work worth?

2006-09-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't stuck to my guns by writing everyday because time seemingly flies by way too fast. This morning I went to church on 6 hours asleep and was dozing off. Am I a bad person for that? No, because I got the message completely. The message was in regards to humility and humbling yourself before God. What triggered in my mind during the whole message probably wasn't what I was suppose to get out of it because all the message did was make me feel like a piece of crap. The messaged offered hope in that if you humble yourself before him he will answer your prayers, but all I felt when I heard it was that no matter what I do it will never be good enough. That seems to be the attitude I've taken on as of late. The message also made us aware that our pride should not be important to us which makes plenty of sense. I'm more than willing to admit that my pride gets in my way sometimes, but at the same time I'm aware that I can never measure up to God which truly means no matter what I am doing I can be doing more. As that train of thought goes on, I have another train of thought that feels like I have no time to do anything else, so I can I do more when I feel like I have no time to do anything. This messaged depressed me, so when I got back from service I fell asleep until 5:00. I wasted more time, nor do I even feel rested. Obviously I still have so much to learn about life and the second I feel like I've accomplished something I realize there is so much I haven't accomplished in comparison. These entries still have not taken on the positive outlook that I hoped they would because I'm still working towards that. I'm still a work in progress. Now to transition how I feel right not into a poem I've been working on the past couple of days. Here it:

Work in Progress

I am a demon that is not possessed
I am an angel that failed to be blessed
I am always the opposing view and scheme
The same old scenario with a different theme
My life is the punchline of your dirty joke
I’m the air that, you breathe that, makes you choke
Sometimes my progress turns out to be fruitless
I am useful for many things that end up being useless
I run to the darkness when it appeared to be light
I escape the violence but find myself in a fight
I am the perfect canvas that you allow to be scarred
I am the ace of the heart that you want to discard
I am the flawless jewel you let sink in the ocean
I am movingly gifted, yet you cease my motion
My emotions are strong, yet you cast them as weak
I am labeled as wrong, but I’m right; here with the meek
I am the anchor that only floats on the surface
I’m worth the price of gold when gold becomes worthless
I am the writer whose words are erased
I am the work in progress whose work goes to waste

I feel that even in this poem there is a sense of imcompletion. I feel like there should be more to it, but just like the title says it's a work in progress. I think ultimately this poem sums up everyones life. If we never can reach perfection and no one can ever do enough than we are all just works in progress, but it hurts me when it seems like so many people have it figured out. I don't have anything figured out. If people ask me for advice the only was I can give it to them is if God speaks through me. I alone know nothing. I alone don't know how I can get work done, which is probably why I don't get work done. It seems I like I don't even have time to sit down and read my bible which would mean I have to find a way to make time, but I don't even know how to go about doing that. It seems the more I analyze what establishes my faith as faith the more hopeless I feel, the more I feel like I can never please God, like I can never do enough. It's constantly feeling inferior despite the fact that I am inferior. It's me feeling so inferior that I can't do anything. I'm helpless. I could be doing something about it right now, but instead I am writing and now I'm not even going to do that anymore.

Blessed Beaver

2006-09-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything to write about, other than I took a quiz in History and did good on it even though I thought it was going to be my hardest class. In History I wrote two poems about beavers because that was mentioned in the lecture and it just stuck out in my head. So here are my two poems about beavers:

Beaver Damned

Playing in any field
requires loads of energy
But once my legs groq weak
I know that's it for me

Luckily I am perseverant
as I head on back to my niche
Lesser beavers would tire faster
and simply pass out in a ditch

Low and behold the motor cars
have crowded up the road
However there is no time to wait
because mother will be woed

So now I began to scurry
across the sun burned black tar
What is now running through my head
happens to be the tire of a car

Perhaps my patience should have been
my one and only priority
For a split second I lost my head
and now my head is apart from me

Damn Beavers

Driving in my pick-up truck
down a seemingly empty street
my wifes jabbering but my concern
is on what she is making me to eat

Been driving for several hours
on the way back from the rodeo
My eyes were growing heavy
until my wife yelled out "Hey Joe!"

I was like "Damn Deloris,
You scared the piss right out of me!"
She gave a little giggle but
that will cease when she does my laundry

She shouldn't have taken her tone so loud
Now I must drive with my wet pants
I should turn up the radio
before Deloris goes on one of her rants

Thump! "What did I hit?
Lord Jesus, I'm not a sinner!"
Deloris replies, "Joe calm yourself
it's not a person, just your dinner."

I was inspired to write these poems not just from the fact that I was bored in history, but 6 months ago back in Jersey I witnessed a gopher get hit by the wheel of a van that was driving in front of me. Now the gophers head didn't smash open but it did get hit in the head and spun a complete 720 in the middle of the road. When I witnessed it I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. I ended up laughing. I'm a horrible person i guess, but when it stopped in spinning it lay peacefully in the middle of the road lying on its back with its arm stretched towards the sky. That's all! God Bless!

Say No More

2006-09-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

I talked to my brother a couple of days ago and he assured me that in 2 weeks I'd probably get used to this whole college thing. It's definitely a different atmosphere and I've had to adapt a lot. I'm sick now, have a cold or something. I'm out of it more often than not. Every day goes by really fast and it feels like I never have time to do anything or I just end up wasting my time. Everyday things happen that end up making me feel like garbage, but through all of this I've been keeping a positive outlook and trying to remember God in everything I do. I've definitely been looking for a good outlet and a place to fit in, in order to stay with my faith. What I dislike feeling most is trying to convince myself that everything is a test. It's hard to believe, that I have to feel so misguided through this whole experience; this is what I have been feeling and God isn't going to tell me over night what I'm meant to do, is he? No, and the worst part is I'll always be the one to blame and I'll always be told I'm not seeking God enough, not doing enough, I wish I just would give up easier or maybe I give up too easy. Why don't I ever feel good about the outcomes of thing. Should I go back to feeling numb about people walking all over me or should I stand up for myself even if I may have to compromise my beliefs. It hurts to even think about all this crap. Even if I say I don't want to play the victim, or I'm not trying to be the victim, I feel like I'm contradicting myself. I just want to feel one solid emotion for one period of time. Damn! I can't even put my words into what I want to say anymore. Total frustration. When will I have something positive to write? End this now! Before I keep dwelling on the same old crap that happens every single day. I'm trying my best here. I didn't even want to go college. I never wanted to live to see 18. Why do I consistently manage to convince myself that my life is a burden? How come everything I write makes it seem like I have serious problems? Would you believe me if I said I didn't have problems? Would you consider this normal? Why can't I find contentment? Why does no one take me seriously? Why would I even want to be taken seriously? Why can't I just deal with everything that happens? Why am I always worrying about the future, always disappointed with my past, and never concentrating on what's going on right now? Why does nothing ever get figured out? Why am I so worthless, and moreso why do people insist on lying to me and telling me I'm not? Why can't I just run away and be alone forever? Why can't I just stay and feel like it's a blessing that I'm here? Why don't I trust anyone? Why do people feel like I am an approachable person? Why do I ever open up to people? Why do I allow people to open up to me when I can so easily disregard their existence? Why do I feel emotionless when people leave my life or I forget about other people? Why do I grow bitter towards some for leaving me and be fine others who leave me in the dust? Why can't I do everything right when I am supposed to? Why can't I recpgnize what is right? But all these questions that plague me truly mean nothing because all I want to know is...
Why am I here? What is my purpose? and if I truly do have a purpose, when will I find out what it is? I don't know the answer to any of these stupid tedious questions that some of you readers may ask yourselves. I don't even have the answers to the simplest of questions. Truthfully I can't convince people that what I say is true nor what I believe is true so why do I bother sometimes. But I have nothing to say. All this has not meant a thing. I'm just gonna share a poem and end this.

So They Say

Don't get your hopes up
but be optimistic
Use your imagination
but be realistic

It's cool to be popular
but don't follow the crowd
Silence is golden
But to be heard, be loud

All is fair in love and war
But life is not fair
Mind your own business
But show me you care

You can have free speech
But we will silence the truth
You can respect your elders
But we will forget the youth

You say all these slogans
to convince us they're true
But contradiction after contradiction
prevents me from listening to you

This poem is simple to understand. Sometimes people say things that they believe is good advice, but it's not. Ultimately more of yuor experiences you will have to learn by yourself. Listen to it, but ultimately you will choose whether you will follow this advice.

Seek HIm

2006-09-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing is wrong with me and it's just me thinking their is or hoping their is so I can have an excuse for my shortcomings and daily failures. What I find most ironic though is as soon as something goes horribly wrong and you want to give up, someone tells you, you can't or that it's bound to get better. Notice when people are really excited about something hardly ever is anyone one going to insult your hopefulness. They will push you to do the thing that your very excited about even when it is obvious that your excitement could likely lead to failure thus ending up in an unfortunate turn for the worst. No one ever tries to bring up the consequences when someone has hope for something. Just like everyone pushing me to get excited about college, the second your forced excitement comes about you realize all the downsides. How everything will eventually go wrong. And then who else can the blame be put on but myself. That makes me feel like absolute garbage especially when someone raises the question, "Well, how's your relationship with God?" Because the answer to that question is always, "Not as great as it can be!'" No matter what, every sermon you hear on the matter the message is you can always grow closer, so when I or anyone else answers that question no matter what answer they give you, what they really are thinking is "Not as great as it could be" which makes me feel insignificant. Knowing I can never reach a point of inner peace for the remainder of my life. Knowing I can never taste perfection. So yeah, some days my life sucks and I hate it. That's not a good thing I know, but don't think this statement is meant to cause a pity party; it's not. I just don't want to be in this position. I never wanted to be in this position. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed getting an education. But in all honesty, even if I wasn't being educated I doubt I'd be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus! I love going to church, I love being filled witht he Holy Spirit. I love listening and reading God's word, but I no longer expect anything out of prayer. When I pray I expect the worst outcome. God's will, will be done whether I pray or not. Whether I want the best for myself or not my life will ultimately be just that, my life. Maybe I am meant to go through life completely unsatisfied with the way it's going at all times. So what exactly is the point of this entry other than to vent and complain. Truthfully I don't know. At this point in time I don't even know if I have a poem to go along with it. But as I search, you readers think about this question. "Is it possible to be fully connected with God and lead a miserable life?" Because what I've started to question is maybe my reason for being unhappy is due to the fact that I am not doing a satisfactory job. Apparently I am doig way below average because I try and seek God and I seem to live a less satisfied life than so many who don't walk with God at all. Or maybe they are just better hiders, and I'm not so good a seeker, If this was Hide and Go Seek I would never win. Now hold up one second because I have just hit a stud in the wall because I think I can work off this metaphor of hide and go seek. This will be the first poem in this blog that I will write spur of the moment (not already written prior to the entry). So here it is:

Hide, and Go Seek

So, you've found your dark crevice
But honestly is this where you want to stay
Should I just leave you be
Or would you like to come out and play
The game is actually quite simple
In fact, you can go back to this very spot
However, I could easily find you
But then again maybe not
Because so many times before
I have looked in the wrong direction
Even when the answer was in the same place
I chose to walk alone without protection
A mistake on my part?
Yes, I suppose I am the one to blame
I could place the fault on something else
It's not the player; it's the game
If I was the one to run and hide
instead of being the only seeker
I could have an easy route of escape
instead of feeling all the weaker
Seeking is no fun
because you usually stand alone
Until you've found a hidden soul
whose cover has been blown
Convince them to seek the truth
so they offer a helping hand
They may be a guiding light
or a sabotage to the plan
In either case, as the seeker
I never seem to be satisfied
because everyone else seems
so joyful when they run and hide
But joining them would never be
considered staying true to my own self
So while they seek their place to hide
I'll be off seeking something somewhere else
I'll seek my own salvation
perhaps underneath a steeple
Right out in the open
along with the rest of God's people
Even if I find myself in failure
I can only hope that he still provide's
Because I believe it's better to go seek
then to be the one that run's and hide's

Guess what, you are figuring this one out for yourself unless you request an explanation so I can get some feeback

Cursed Eyes

2006-09-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight me and my suite mates have devised a bet for who can go the longest without cursing. We are doing this because tensions have grown high and we've been slipping in our words so we are testing it out, hopefully it will work out for the best. I also got thinking about what my favorite song is and how 2 years ago I did't even listen to music and now I have so many different songs that I relate too and enjoy. A while ago I wrote a song describing how I feel involving relationships so I'm gonna share it and explain if after words. The title is a bit rusty but I wrote it in December of 2004. Here it is:

These Eyes Cry

He looks into your eyes
and it makes you break down and cry
but you don't know why
no you don't know why

You say he's shady, oh so shady
But all he wants is a sweet young lady
And he walks among the living
And he's always so damn forgiving
You think that he can't be hated
But some people think he's outdated
And no one gives him a chance
Not even a second glance

But he's always trying to find your eyes
Hoping to catch you by surprise
And you won't realize
No you won't realize

But he knows
how the end to this life story goes
So he'll walk for hours, he'll walk for days
Searching for something in different ways
But he'll never know
which way to go
At times you may not know where he may be
And then just maybe, you might see

That he's always trying to find your eyes
Even when they are in disguise
Still hoping to catch you by surprise
but he'll be the one that always cries
and you won't realize
no you won't realize
and No one will know why
No they won't know why

I wrote this song after becoming close friends with someone of the opposite sex and became attracted to them as more than a friend. When this happens, more often than not the feelings are not mutual or so it seems for me. To you they are almost perfect, but since you're good friends you know their flaws because no one is perfect, while the other person may think of you as a good friend or a shoulder to cry on. They may even like you a little bit, but not enough to put the friendship "on the line." Or they just might not know what they want at that particular time. When this happened to me I felt that no one would give me a chance, it's actually what I have felt so often in my life, but you get over it. You can try and be a nice person and make it obvious that you are trying to "find someone's eyes" or getting their attention but sometimes it goes unnoticed and is meaningless. They may realize and not care. The song also states no matter how hard one tries one will never know the right decision to make, whether it be to tell the person how you feel and risk the friendship or just ignore your feelings so no one will know the true feelings. I don't have an answer to that, and that's all I have to say.

Lost My Direction, Lost the Sense of Time, Maybe the worst is Behind

2006-09-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating whether or not I should move out of my dorm. Unfortunately there are pros and cons concerning this matter. If I leave, it basically means I'd have to meet a whole new group of people, basically grow apart from the friendships I have made thus far, and take a risk of getting some really bad roommate. But when I think about the first couple of days, I met new people and got along with them pretty easily, so how hard would it be to go through that again. Plus it was fun meeting new people. However, the people I've met in my dorm are really cool and great people each in their own individual way. I can't decide whether I am moving out until there is a reassignment opening. If I do move out I want it to be sooner than later. The longer you wait to do something the harder it is, this has held true so often in my life. But it leads me to doubt myself because I often feel that I never am satisfied with how my life is, so I don't know if any difference will be made. I am also a pessimist so I feel almost every decision I make ends up being the wrong one anyway. I need to pray about it tonight, so I'm going to do that as soon as I am done writing this entry. The poem I want to share has summed up how I feel when I am most upset about the way my life is going. It also states how I never have any idea what choices I am suppose to make. It seems I am so lost all the time and I am sick of feeling that way. I need to pray more and read scripture. Anyway here is my poem:

I Used to Know Where I was Going Until I Got Here

Unfortunately for me I woke up again
I guess I tend to do that every now and then
I made more bad choices and when the wrong direction
And I took another hard fall trying to reach perfection
Just like before I fell asleep, when I awakened, I cried
But I had one peaceful dream, you know the one where I died
This cycle of repetition, all it does is create a numbing pain
Failing over and over again now only brings shame to my name
A different ego shattered but who needs pride anyway
Although, at least my pride kept me going from day to day
More failure, more temptation, and more of being tested is whats in store
Those are the things I know are coming, but I still want something more
The good things I don't expect because I'm paranoid for the worst
Maybe that's why before I'm happy, I battle years of sadness first
No reason to live other than for God, but why don't I want to live?
Because I'm selfish and there is less to get the more and more I give
But at times it feels like I've got nothing left to give so I lose hope
So I deal with all that crap that tumbles on me and I try to cope
I'll bleed for a cause because I'm willing to be run dry
I'll break all these laws, if gravity means I can fly
I need to soar through time and fix all that's unfair
Because most of my problems, someone else put there
At times I could kill because there was nothing I could do
How I wish I cold just forget it all and put my trust back in you
But one day I will get over it and realize that nothing that happens, matters
And as I watch another mirror fall, I'll be hoping my reflection shatters
Luckily, soon I will have lost this fight so please don't bet on me
I'm losing more day and night, I'm still 0 for infinity
At one time I envisioned a futre for myself, I even drew out a plan
I kept a positive outlook, even told myself "Yes I can"
But so many failures have just lead me to further doubt
that everything I live for I would rather live without
I've been broken in mind, no longer can I concentrate
I try praying, running, should I also learn to meditate?
All I write about is failures; it seems that's all that I see
For some reason it's so easy for misfortune to find me
Don't pity me, I've had my heart attacked and it's pretty severe
And I used to know where I was going; until I got here

This poem may seem a little exagerrated, but sometimes I feel more hopeless than this poem. I read it sometimes and try and look at it as if someone else wrote it and I cry simply because I know that others have it worse so I can't imagine what they would write if they could put how bad they feel into words. By no means do I want people to think I have a hard life, I just want a better life for myself. I so badly just want to feel like things are going in the right direction even if they aren't. I'd rather feel that way, then have my life go in the right direction and not even notice it. It pains me to think about this, so I'm going to spend some time in prayer and look for answers to what I'm doing with the rest of my time here. I assure myself that things will get better because after all, all I can have is my hope that all will be well. Bye!

Revolving Doors

2006-09-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

I tripped over a chain today, but I kept walking. I ran the wrong direction, and then I gave up. Today thus far has sucked immensely. My roommates thought it would be silly to keep me up till 3 when I had to wake up for class at 8. Unfortunately my alarm didn't work and is still not working. I almost got in a fight today, I was almost hoping for it. It's just been a bad day so I shouldn't feel bad about it because it will get better. I'm gonna share a poem that I wrote a year and a half ago. Now that I read it, it reflects on how I feel at this moment, even though I felt the same way in a completely different place at a different time when I wrote it. But since it is relevant I decided to share it. But be warned a year and a half ago I was not as good a writer so this poem is a little poor.

What Doesn't Revolve Around Me

Sometimes I run away from life,
for all the wrong reasons
and sometimes my moods change
as rapid as the seasons
These days pass me by so fast
I can't enjoy the time spent here
So I contemplate the thought
of what it's like to disappear
And I wonder is it really worth it
to breathe every breath today
When I could be in a place
where I'd do exactly what I say
I wouldn't run nor hide
from things hidden from my eyes
And just maybe I wouldn't be
the only one listening for my cries
When I cry, I fight myself
beating myself into submission
Then the tears stop when I black out
remaining in the same position
It seems I'm running but never moving
Hoping but never choosing
a better path of life other than
the one that leads to losing
Tell me exactly
what I might be doing wrong
So I can solve this puzzle
that I've been living for so long
I can't give up on a solution
it's something I need to solve
But I've been in the same place forever
As I watch My world revolve

Many people sometimes feel that the world revolves around them. This poem places some understanding on what it's like when things don't go exactly our way. The poem has a very negative tone because it doesn't really offer any hope of changing for the better, but rest assure with hope nothing will stay bad forever. I can't guarentee, but I feel it is better to live in false hope because at least you have something to hope for. That's all I feel like writing

Where's your faith at?

2006-09-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today I had a pretty busy day. I think it could go without saying, but I have homework to do, but I have not yet started it. I slept till 11, went to class at 12, ate lunch, played racquetball, then soccer, then went to history, then to a chi alpha meeting, then dinner, then did laundry. Now I am writing this. I got thinking about people who don't have much faith in God or much of anything in fact. It's not hard to think about things like that when all day I'm faced with different things that are there to make me doubt my faith. In Global Politics we discussed a whole bunch of crap about cultures and negative aspects of American culture, and was just angry because it's so easy to tell that no matter what happens not everyone will be happy. I don't even know why we discuss the things we do because no solutions are ever made clear. It's almost as if we discuss things just to be taught that there is no hope for the world. We reflect on things of the past, but history constantly repeats itself. History there was discussion of pre biblocal period and people that were on the earth, which raises question once again on how earth began and stuff like that. It's frustrating, especially since I'm trying to stay close to my faith, but there is so much to do constantly that whenever I have a free second I just want to sleep or write. Anyway, my point of course relates back to a poem I wrote over the course of the summer. It's two parts. The first part basically relates to the secular world. The second part offers salvation. In either case here is the first part of my poem:

Ye of Little Faith

As usual I am alone in the darkness
Funny how darkness and silence go hand in hand
When it's nothing I hear, I fear everything around me
When I hear everything, it is then I fear nothing
But darkness really gets to me
Not because I am without sight
It gets to me because I am forced to rely on feelings
And I cannot trust how I feel or what emotions I feel
My emotions are underlying in comparison to this reality
Thena gain that is the case with everything in darkness
Nothing is entirely real or without doubt when you lose sight of it
More often than not, at some point
you'll lose sight of everything you believe in for some period of time
I may lose sight of you, you may lose sight of me
I may even lose sight of myself
No matter what the outcome, people are forgotten
Faith is abandoned and exiled from our own reality
We ask, "Why must we ever be in darkness?"
Thus the reasoning behind our faith
When you are blind and all you rely is on feeling
You are relying on faith which is
the only guidance we have in darkness because
we all want to be in the light
But for those who never rely on faith
Life is simple
yet short
and ends without warning

This poem is not meant to knock on the lifestyles that differ from mine, it's too state the unfortunate truth that people who have faith in nothing really don't live for anything but themselves. Ultimately living for ones own self can only end in disappointment. I've been alone in the darkness before and it has torn me up and has made me feel as if my life is not worth living. Some days I seem to reconnect with that feeling, but I know it will pass so long as I humble myself in the presence of my God. I realize that some who may read this may not agree with my beliefs, which is why I try and write poems in worldly perspectives, but most of my poems do have deeper religious contexts. Anyway I need to do homework so I'm done. Peace!

Why I don't get my homework done

2006-09-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm done my first class today and it was pretty funny, seeing how my professor is very odd and is full of BS. He is cool though. I said something a little too profound and he didn't quite understand it so that didn't really work out. He really seems to have no idea how to teach nor does he really know a whole lot about the information being taught, and he agrees with everyones opinion. It's quite amusing. I still haven't read anything for that class yet. My next class is in about 30 minutes so I need to write this quick. Since the tone of this entry is pretty upbeat I'm deciding to type out one of my sillier poems that some people have already read. I will not be offering any meaning behind it because the poem is basically meaningless. But if I were to make up a meaning, it would be that people get upset over very trivial things.

Why I Destroyed Herbs Lawn Gnome

How dare you taunt me
Acting like it's your property
Guess what, It's not your property
You don't have a deed
And even if you did you couldn't read it
Go back to playing your miniature flute
Speaking of which
I've never heard you actually play it
Always holding it, but never putting it to your lips
Never playing a soft melody
It's an accessory for you

I've seen others like your kind
But none so arrogant
To stand right on the line of demarcation
diving my yard from Herb's
I'm surprised he allows you to stay on his property free of charge
because I know you didn't offer to pay a single penny
Or even ask hi if you could stay there
Sure, Herb is deaf
But you could have contacted him some form
Rather than just standing there
Claiming the spot as your own
Claiming Herb put you there

Every time I look out my bathroom window
you just stare
and I stare back
as if we were engages in some kind of staring contest
of course you always win
because I actually have a life
and I have places to go
Why don't you stare through Herb's window?
He doesn't have a life, He's 83
So I'm sure he has plenty of time on his hands
He would probably love the challenge
of facing you in a staring contest

Yet you continue to torture me
You never let up
Well, guess what? Your hat is stupid
No one wears hats that come to a point
No one with style at least
Luckily I have a plan to get rid of you
And your stupid pointy hat

Still Awake

2006-09-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight one silly thing happened. While studying in the bottom of the dorm one of my sweet suite mates pointed out that the desks are in the shape of swastikas. I thought that was funny in a kind of sick way. I barely got any studying done. I went to a dance party shortly after which was kind of odd at first just simply because I'm not a party goer nor a dancer, but I eventually busted some sweet moves. The most valuable part of the whole night was when I was about to leave the dance party, I received information regarding church organizations from a new friend. I enjoy meeting people that share my faith because I knew they have a good story to tell and usually lead an interesting life. After all when you don't spend your time drinking your usually doing something exciting instead. I'm excited to see where God will lead me while hear at JMU.
Of course I didn't just write this blog to say how my night went; I wrote it to let anyone who may or may not read this my reason for living is God which is what excites me and interests me more than anything. However different people have different things they live for so this poem is basically about why people wake up every day. Here it goes:

For Whose Sake Do You Lie Awake?

Have you ever just layed there?
I'm talking about really laying down
With your eyes open in total darkness
fixed on one direction
staring into nothingess
and for no partciular reason

If there was a reason
it would be to consciously question your purpose
not questioning with words aloud
instead the words just run through your head
while you stare off into nowhere
waiting as if the darkness of all things
will show you the path to take,
show you the life layed out for you

But just like you laying there
your life is layed out in darkness
like a touch tunnel in pitch black
you will get through life on feelings alone
some of the time you will be totally mislead
How unfortunate that you sulk deep inside
about all the times you've been mislead already

It would be wise to just close your eyes
Because in all honesty there is usually nothing to see
Instead you keep your eyes open
Consumed in so much false hope
that a saving grace will appear to you
Because you are in "need" of a sign
those are your words not mine
Who isn't in need?
Honestly we all need something
So needy, that's a sign of imperfection

Imagine resting eashy for just one night
one week, one month, one year, one lifetime
I can't imagine it because truthfully
if I could I would not lie awake with my eyes open
I would close my eyes and trick myself
What I imagine, I sometimes make realistic
But more often than not I lie awake
Waiting for my imagination to take a stride into reality
Instead reality takes over my imagination
Crushing hopes and dreams
thus making my lying awake seem pointless

So eventually I close my eyes
We all close our eyes
Even if we lie awake forever, no progress would be made
No revelation exclaimed
So we lie awake in darkness
Only until our mind serached for words no more
And then slumber is all we end up finding
Just to put us back in touch with the dreams
that will be crushed the next morning

But rest assure for all our sake
That the day we awake
and those dreams finally take shape
We will become ignorant
But what does any of that matter
As long as all our needs are met in the end

This poem is meant to depict common selfishness of human beings. It attempts to make it clear how when things aren't going the way we planned we lay and question whether it be to God or ourselves why certain things in life don't go our way, we doubt ourselves and purpose. Even though we shouldn't do it we do, but it's so easy. Sometimes instead of relying on God for help we try and do things ourselves and are blinded by our own ambition and selfishness thus "closing our eyes to God" but in this poem the poem suggests to "close your eyes" to worldly things. It's basically saying submit to God and let Him guide you through rough times. Everyone needs God whether they believe in Him or not. It's clear that life is not meant to be easy, but it's easier to live with Him than without Him. The end of this poem is basically full of sarcasm which an individual could like or dislike, it basically makes or breaks the poem. The poem could have had a more uplifting ending, instead I chose to take an easy rhyme and sentiment and twist the words to make an entirely selfish statement "what does any of that matter as long as all our needs are met in the end." Despite that last statement being a completely selfish thing to say, I'm almost positive everyone has felt this way at some point. It's clear because sometimes when we go to God and he grants us what we desire, we take it all for granted and act like it was our own doing that brought us success. This was a long explanation so I'm done with it now. Peace Out!

One word at a Time

2006-09-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty cool I guess. I mean nothing crappy has happened which is enough to be thankful for. I went to half the football game, now I'm here writing. I feel like writing something everyday so I get in a habit of doing something. I still have yet to get to my homework yet, but I'm getting there. What I have chosen to write about today is a common topic that I have seen a lot of not just in the last couple of days, but throughout my life. I'm not dropping names so let's just say someone I know more a less led on and had hope for something, and was denied it. I've talked to 2 people on both sides of the spectrum. It happens all the time to a lot of people so it's not a unique occurrence. What I did a while back, actually not too long ago, it was July 29, 2006 to be exact. I wrote a poem about how the act of being led on has happened in my life more times than I would have liked. Actually I have several poems on this topic, but this is my personal favorite, so here it is:

Live Your Lie One Word at a Time

Didn't you see me standing outside your window?
Or was it more convenient to ignore me?
Notice I did not make a sound or
attempt to capture your attention with words
because I knew you would never hear me
over the lies you've been reciting to yourself
the same lies you convinced yourself were truths
How did you manage that?
I know how you managed it but you don't
You don't realize that the little faith I had in you
was no match for the amount of faith you had
that your lies would push me away
How right you were, I guess you prevailed
After all you're guilt free, enjoying your night
while I spend mine, probably writing some stupid poem
about some stupid guy who was mislead
Now it's time to make an attempt at a healing process
Maybe, I'll eat some ice cream in my sweats
and watch a movie where falling in love
is portrayed to be so easy and perfect... or not
But I'm a man so that medicine won't do
Instead, I'll play your game and devise a lie of my own
"I was too good for you and you're missing out"
Are you convinced?
Yeah................... Neither am I

This poem was written after a girl had rejected me after quite some time of leading me on. She lied to me in order to push me away, yet she convinced herself what she was saying was true. It's the OJ complex. Now I've been led on, on several occasions, but with this particular girl I didn't call her out on it. I just got over it. In all honesty it didn't tear me up inside, and in reality I believed I truly was too good for her. However, in most cases people do get torn up about it and they feel they weren't good enough for the particular person, which is why I chose to end the poem the way I did. I like the interaction between the reader and writer with the question at the end because some readers might sympathize with the writer and feel that the writer may actually be too good for this person, but the ending shuts down any thought of that. That's my explanation, Now it's time for homework

Common Contradictions

2006-09-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

So as everyone knows I am in college now, which means I should grow up, learn to become more independent, and excel at my work. Unfortunately I don't want to grow up, I'm already pretty independent, and I'm so tired of doing schoolwork and I haven't done any thus far. Basically I like how this whole college thing is going. I like the people, the place, the laughter, the food, the fun. I can only complain about the classes, and the lack of single girls. Basically I became a custom to doing little work in high school and now it appears that it is gonna pile up quick. The lack of sleep could also contribute to my low level of comfort and happiness at the moment. Anyway my purpose of these blogs is to share a poem. So here's a poem that relates to how I feel.

The Inside and Outs of Common Contradictions

It's a common occurrence
Far be it from me to ever understand why
Apparently, though I am deserving of it
I can be having the time of my life
But tragedy will tragically brush my mind over
Suddenly, for no reason at all
I am overcome with this overbearing feeling of depression
As if something is trying to make my life completely incomplete
Whatever that something is has succeeded on too many occasions
Each time I cower before it and begin to beg for mercy
Because the power it has over me proves my humanity
It proves my makeshift shell of perfection is easily shattered
I anticipated nothing less, it was all for looks anyway
Those us invincible on the outside are so vulnerable inside
Those vulnerable on the outside are only out for pity
They are more than willing to admit how pathetic they are
How condescending can one be to confuse pathetic with honesty
All of a sudden, being open and honest is a crime?
Your damn right it is!
Why can't you put on your mask and live a lie like everyone else?
What makes you so special?
Don't let me spoil your good time;
clearly you're busy extracting pity
from those of us who act like we have it all together
Now, who's in the wrong?
Wrong question
What can we do to make it right?

This poem is a battle in itself. It's basically trying to make sense of what goes on inside my head when I feel depressed or disconnected from my beliefs or goals. I battle with myself between doing something selfish or what's right. It can be compared to a battle with sin as well, but it's not always a matter of sin. It's more of a battle in life that is just circumstantial on different things that occur most of which I have no control over. I like this poem, mainly for the reason that at the beginning it offers a sad outlook on how quickly ones mood can change, but at the end it more or less tells you no matter what happens just change your outloook from how can I stop myself from doing everything wrong to how can I make things right. That's all I got. Peace!

The first clowning achievement

2006-08-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

The reason I started this was not only to share my poetry and thoughts, but also because my youth pastor suggested I start one. Therefore here is my first post which will be the poem that inspired the title of my blog

Our Clowning Achievements

Fill in all the holes you have in your heart
with many things of no real substance
so it seems your mind may be in absence
when the show is about to start

I can look at that canvas and fear
the song in my ear, in my head as it pounds
A voice shouts, "Send in the Clowns"
But who would have known, they were already here

Arrived home late from that 3-ring circus
smudged your smile 6 inches wide
what's underneath that you're trying to hide?
You're honestly not that worthless

Upset, because you're not the main attraction?
Just a stand in for the kids to appreciate
talk to the bearded lady, she can relate
However, she gets no positive reaction

No she can't relate, that's how she truly looks
At least you have the paint to hide behind
No one can tell what's on your mind
Or maybe clowns are open books

Your garb much like your heart is polka dots
Large holes randomnly covering most of a plain
Am I wrong when I say "Clowns feel no pain?"
No pain? Maybe this is true, only if clowns are robots

Fill in all the holes you have in your heart
with many things of no real substance
so it seems your mind may be in absence
when the show is about to start

I can look at that canvas and fear
the song in my ear in my head as it pounds
To me It shouts, "Send in the Clowns"
Look in the audience, they're already here

Shot out of a cannon, a real sight to see
Become the daredevil, take off your curly colored hair
Forget all you've known, you don't really care
The finale of the show is where you should be

I know it's easier to be something you're not
But have you lost touch with who you really are?
Step out of the curcus, this has gone to far
Or keep the paint on and just act like you forgot

The audiences attitude depends on you
Or maybe you rely on their judgment
Either way your performance receives no comment
Simply overshadowed by the dog that plays cazoo

Over-rated, under-appreciated whatever happened contentment
Highly-awaited, fascinated, all for no ones enjoyment
Degraded, outdated, no more employment

The life of a clown, a life that does not appeal
Because all it requires is to live a lie
Don't let the moral pass you by
The life of a clown is the only life that's real

Fill in all the holes you have in your heart
with many things of no real substance
so it seems your mind may be in absence
when the show is about to start

I can look at that canvas and fear
the song in my ear, in my head as it pounds
To all of us It shouts "Send in the Clowns"
But look around we are already here

This poem is about how people are more or less clowns whether they notice it or not. How individuals put on their paint to act like they are either happy or sad whether it be to extract pity or to convince people that all is well. When people are alone they change and put on a show when they are around others. We all do it at some point, however some people do it all the time while others just do it when it's convenient. It also shows how people fill the holes in their heart by doing things that are out of character to esape their pain. It further goes on to discuss how human beings usually are never fully satisfied which is why they always want to be on the highest level of what they are good at. But sometimes no matter how hard we all try we must taste failure and accept our failures, learn from them, and accept that we are already here doing the best we can. That's my moral for today. Goodnight, God Bless!